Author Topic: Dealing with mother's (barely disguised) rudeness to wife. Any advice?  (Read 44 times)

Offline HurdyGurdyOutintheCountry

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Hello gingerbeeries!

 I'm new to the site so thought I'd introduce myself first. I'm nearly 40 and live in rural East Midlands with my wife, 2 dogs and 4 exbat chickens. OMG I feel so old reading that back...

I have ongoing and unresolved 'difficulties' with my parents, mainly my mother, father doesn't get beyond small talk much. Have you experienced anything similar and found anything helped? Or have any advice?

My parents have always been homophobic but kept it mainly quiet until I met my partner, nearly 18 years ago, as they seemed to think it was a phase I would just grow out of. Their homophobia manifests itself in either a complete disinterest in my partner, e.g. it took my mum 5 years to ask - do you have any brothers or sisters? To my wife...., Or my mother is actively rude to my partner, e.g. my partner says something friendly, my mum says 'whatever!' like a teen-ager and storms out the room, or 'teases' my partner in a way that is really about taking the piss out of her for being gender non-conforming.

This sounds so terrible when I write it that I'm not sure why I still let them visit...

There was a brief reprieve around the time we got married, when my parents got over their homophobia and it seemed to disappear. I think from peer pressure from all our other friends and family who were delighted we were getting married after 15 years. But about a year later were back to their old tricks.

We live quite far apart so I only see them about twice a year when they stay for a night.

I've tried the direct approach of ' stop being so horrible to X' but that lead to blame being put on my partner for anything and everything with most weird justifications. E.g. but she didn't eat the broad bean skins... :o

Im at a loss for what to do as I would like to continue to see my parents, but the situation has got so bad again. And after 20 years I feel the time as come for a crunch point. It's too much to put my partner through. And I can't go visit parents on my own as I have health problems and can't travel. And had wanted to avoid that as in the beginning my partner wasn't invited to family things so I didn't want to actively go see my parents without her.

Any help? Advice? Or sharing of your parental difficulties would be great  ;D

S

Offline Lust for Life

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Sounds kind of familiar, not exactly but in essence. My mother tends to be rude about my wife behind her back. Rude is an understatement. She waits until she's gone to bed, then says really nasty twisted stuff to me about her. And about her parents. All ridiculous but based around a tiny grain of truth that she magnifies and twists in a really ugly way. Last but one time I was there she did this to my son, rather than to me. He was quite shocked and refused to tell me what she had actually said. He, very maturely, said it wouldn't help anyone to repeat it. Which is true.

I do sometimes go on my own, or with one of both children (they are grown up now). But it's a very long way and sometimes my wife comes too.

I don't know what to advise. I love my Dad and he doesn't do this at all. I promised myself when I had kids that I wouldn't deprive them of a relationship with their grandmother, based on the fact that she and I don't usually get along. I don't regret that, but some days I totally see why some other people do cut contact with their mother.

All I can say is, you are most certainly not alone!

And welcome to gingerbeer  :)