Well, I suppose I'm not really "out" yet but it is something that I'm coming to realise that I may have always been but it has been something I've fought for a very long time. I'm 38, was married for 10 years and still best mates with my ex-husband, even though we've been divorced for 3 years. I consider him a brother and I do love him deeply, in an unconditional way.
When I was young, I was always the tom-boy - running around with my male cousins, always wearing tracksuits and trainers and being quite horrified when my friends insisted I had to be Princess Leia whilst playing Star Wars in the playground! I always put this down to the fact that my Mum and Dad had always wanted to have a son, and having had 5 girls already, they were pretty much happy to raise me as a little dude. I didn't go to Brownies, or learn the piano like my sisters before me. I was happy just reading comics, drawing and hanging out with my friends.
It all changed for me when I went to secondary school, or should I say an "all girls, catholic, convent, grammar school" which, of course, all my other sisters attended before me. I hated it. I was such an outcast, bullied by nuns, and found it hard to relate to any of the girls that went there. Don't get me wrong - I eventually made some amazing friends that I am still in contact with today, but I was truly miserable. You see, the worst thing, the absolute worst thing you could be in that environment, is a lesbian.
"Les-be-friends" was one of the worst put downs to say to another girl. Sleeping with lots of guys and getting a rep as easy, was nowhere near as bad as being gay. Really horrible things were said about some teachers who probably were gay and how they "perved" over girls in the changing rooms. But the most defining thing was, everyone hated the nuns who, of course, were all lesbians too. Of course, none of this is true but when the pack mentality believes this crap, it's difficult to go against it. So, being a lesbian was never even an option for me. In fact, I remember wanting to be a boy so badly because then it would be ok to fancy girls.
Time passed, and although I could chat to guys and have a laugh with them (as I had done since I was little) I could never quite get the hang of "fancying" them or being comfortable having them attracted to me. It didn't seem right, but practice makes perfect, so on it went. I had meaningless sex with men, as I thought that's what I should do, for years and years. I was even brutalized by one guy in a relationship, but that didn't feel too much worse that the other relationships I'd been in - I'd always just been something to be f**ked.
I got married to this lovely fella because we had so many of the same interests and he loved punky girls and although sex was chore which I didn't enjoy, I really loved him and our geeky life. The last time we were intimate was the night before our wedding. Due to some medication that he was taking, he lost his libido and that suited me fine, to be honest. I had never had an orgasm with a man, and still haven't to this day.
So, that's the story in all its gory detail. I'm now starting to realise that this is a part of me that I have ignored or fought against for a long time. I don't want to do that anymore. I think it might be the reason that I've never, truly, felt whole. It messes with your mind on a epic level, but not anymore. I've spent too long running and hiding. This is me. And to be honest, as soon as I came to this monumental decision (or realization) I'm doing pretty good. Hell, who knows, I might even be happy with being me someday!
Thanks for reading and letting me get that off my chest! xx