finding yourself or coming out

[truestory]

I think, you'll just feel/know/6th sense it when the time is right and, especially, the people are right. Otherwise, it's not worth it. Because I simply cannot drop it, like bomb and not care, or pretend I don't...I don't want to be responsible for someone else's feelings (bad mostly) afterwards. I know who I work with enough to keep some things private. Just leaving it to their freedom of imagination. But I must admit, it's mildly annoying.

[Bewilderbeast]

It is annoying, because of course no one should have to come out, no one has to come out about what they have for breakfast do they? Breakfast, unlike sexuality, is seen as range of options all equal, there is no default breakfast from which there are certain variations which are either tolerated or despised. Nobody freaks about about people who like more than one kind of breakfast nor does anyone expect that you’d like the same breakfast for ever.

Think about your straight colleagues, I bet you know if any of them are married and you may even know some their spouses names even if you have never met them. You still know nothing about their private lives from this but you know the basic things about them, things it would clearly distress them if they to felt they had to conceal. They are expressing their sexuality in all sorts of ways but none of it involves telling you about their sexual activities. Well sometimes but hey you get over sharers of every stripe…

Part of the coming out process is reversing the brainwashing that says that when gay or bisexual people mention partners and relationships that we are rubbing sexuality in people’s faces, something clearly not thought about straight people doing the same thing. If someone is hearing “I have sex with women” when you say “my partner Jane is coming to pick me up later” then that’s about them not you! To bear responsibility for that persons feelings is above and beyond the call of duty as they say.

This is totally something that you have every right to approach in your own way and time and it can be very hard to get past. Please don’t take what I’ve said as criticism. I’d been out for years when I ended up doing some temping work in various primary schools and I found very hard to come out in that environment, there are some careers that are harder than others in this respect. Compare this to the fact that none of the women married to men felt the children shouldn’t know that. But in all other jobs I’ve found a way to bring it up and it always feels better once that cat is out of the bag. In my last temp job in a school I did finally out myself in the staff room in response to a particularly ignorant comment made by one of the staff about “gay people”. It was terrifying but fine. Good luck!

[Klasse]

Well put Bewilderbeast.

[tash]

When did I realise?.. I never actually had any feelings for a woman until I was around 16, before then I just never really liked boys and I thought there was something wrong with me; all my friends were in relationships and having sex and I was just this weird virgin. Whenever I got close to having sex with a guy or doing something sexual, I always would bail at the last second, I just didn't like it?
But it wasn't until I was at least 18 I really started to connect the dots, and the penny dropped. I always focused on girls more, I always wanted to be around girls more. I would get more into a lesbian storyline in a film than a male and female one, now I know why I hated those soppy romantic films my friends used to make me watch, because I just didn't feel anything?
I had strong feelings for this woman for a couple years, but to begin with I just thought it was adoration, then I started fantasizing.. you know... and I started to realise these feelings are more than adoration, but she is too mature and straight and inappropriate, and currently not a strong figure in my life anymore but I still think about her. I came out to my best friend but haven't really told anyone else yet, too scared to tell my parents.
I don't know any other lesbians either, so that makes it harder, because I really want to explore this life style more, and I am ready to embrace it! I'm struggling to come out, but I want to meet someone, and really explore this more. It's like recently its all I've been thinking about? I just want to enjoy it. x
 

[Inara]

when did I realise?
oh, I've always known that I was different. when exchanging clothes with my girl buddies was more interesting them going with them to kiss boys behind the library... all that. and then... around 10 years ago I met a real lesbian. the first lesbian I've even met! and... I loved her. we never had sex, though she was my gf for a brief period in time. but we loved each other more than we wanted. but I couldn't identify with this... I just wanted to be 'normal'.

I haven't come out.
I haven't even had a proper relationship or lots of experience. I've been on my own. but now I think it's time to move towards acceptance. my own acceptance of myself.

but all the stories that I read were so inspiring... moved me a lot.

thank you everyone for sharing.

[Small fry]

Hello,
I am 48 nearly 49, I have never been interested in women sexually I have always been with men until recently, I started to develop feelings for a lady who came to work at my organisation. She is a lesbian and married to a women they have 4 children.

We got on really well from the start of her joining the team 21/2  years ago, we have talked so much about families, job, daft stuff etc. She rang me one night after drinking telling me she loved me, I waited until she was sober to bring this up with her, she was very honest and open and still insisted she had feelings for me, up until this point I have never considered being with a women, but then my feelings started to change towards her, then at Christmas when out on the works do we kissed it was so passionate, soft and OMG my feelings deepened that night for her.

We have snatched moments together as she would never leave her wife or her family and I would never expect her too, I was left totally confused about who I am as I thought at my age I knew exactly who I was....

This experience has opened a whole new side to me I never knew existed, I know this women and I have no future but I also know now I would not rule out a relationship with a women, I am a very sexual person always have been, but since this has started with her I have not been with a man and I have no interest of going with one... I am still confused but learning to live with this whole new me


Julie x

[Piper]

Would I have come out if I had known that my parents would chose not be involved in my life....that their love,or maybe approval is a better word, would be conditional upon me living a conventional, hetrosexual life...I think the answer has to be yes.....

Would I have come out if I had known that my friends would distance themselves from me because I no longer fit in to their 'straight subrban life'.....again yes

But it does hurt when I let myself feel it

I've made mistakes, not handled it terribly well.....my friends felt hurt I didn't tell them earlier, that I wasn't honest .....but I was scared, exhilarated, overwhelmed....

My children have been fantastic, so accepting and amazing.....and my partner, well if I hadn't come out (at least to myself) we wouldn't have what we do

[ScobieC]

Well, I suppose I'm not really "out" yet but it is something that I'm coming to realise that I may have always been but it has been something I've fought for a very long time.  I'm 38, was married for 10 years and still best mates with my ex-husband, even though we've been divorced for 3 years.  I consider him a brother and I do love him deeply, in an unconditional way.

When I was young, I was always the tom-boy - running around with my male cousins, always wearing tracksuits and trainers and being quite horrified when my friends insisted I had to be Princess Leia whilst playing Star Wars in the playground!  I always put this down to the fact that my Mum and Dad had always wanted to have a son, and having had 5 girls already, they were pretty much happy to raise me as a little dude.  I didn't go to Brownies, or learn the piano like my sisters before me.  I was happy just reading comics, drawing and hanging out with my friends.

It all changed for me when I went to secondary school, or should I say an "all girls, catholic, convent, grammar school" which, of course, all my other sisters attended before me.  I hated it.  I was such an outcast, bullied by nuns, and found it hard to relate to any of the girls that went there.  Don't get me wrong - I eventually made some amazing friends that I am still in contact with today, but I was truly miserable.  You see, the worst thing, the absolute worst thing you could be in that environment, is a lesbian. 

"Les-be-friends" was one of the worst put downs to say to another girl.  Sleeping with lots of guys and getting a rep as easy, was nowhere near as bad as being gay.  Really horrible things were said about some teachers who probably were gay and how they "perved" over girls in the changing rooms.  But the most defining thing was, everyone hated the nuns who, of course, were all lesbians too.  Of course, none of this is true but when the pack mentality believes this crap, it's difficult to go against it.  So, being a lesbian was never even an option for me.  In fact, I remember wanting to be a boy so badly because then it would be ok to fancy girls.

Time passed, and although I could chat to guys and have a laugh with them (as I had done since I was little) I could never quite get the hang of "fancying" them or being comfortable having them attracted to me.  It didn't seem right, but practice makes perfect, so on it went.  I had meaningless sex with men, as I thought that's what I should do, for years and years.  I was even brutalized by one guy in a relationship, but that didn't feel too much worse that the other relationships I'd been in - I'd always just been something to be f**ked. 

I got married to this lovely fella because we had so many of the same interests and he loved punky girls and although sex was chore which I didn't enjoy, I really loved him and our geeky life.  The last time we were intimate was the night before our wedding.  Due to some medication that he was taking, he lost his libido and that suited me fine, to be honest.  I had never had an orgasm with a man, and still haven't to this day. 

So, that's the story in all its gory detail.  I'm now starting to realise that this is a part of me that I have ignored or fought against for a long time.  I don't want to do that anymore.  I think it might be the reason that I've never, truly, felt whole.  It messes with your mind on a epic level, but not anymore.  I've spent too long running and hiding.  This is me.  And to be  honest, as soon as I came to this monumental decision (or realization) I'm doing pretty good.  Hell, who knows, I might even be happy with being me someday! 

Thanks for reading and letting me get that off my chest! xx

[Daffodil]

Interesting read.  Thanks for sharing.

[Musicality]

Glad you're realising more who you are and what you want. I can relate to some of the comments about your school and how lesbians were viewed. At my school it was the most disgusting thing you could be and I'm pretty sure that contributed to me not realising about my sexuality until I was in my twenties. It just wasn't an option I even considered as lesbians were never talked about as real people, it was just a label for an insult.

Luckily my mum had a lesbian work friend and used to invite them round for dinner otherwise I may have tried to repress it a lot more than I did.

[ScobieC]

It really sucks that school life can affect someone so deeply that they can't admit who they are until many years later.  But, I suppose, better late than never!

[Vickilipstick]

Wow, so many interesting stories! Thank you for sharing them (i havent come close to finishing them yet though, at 24 pages!!! )

[sarah_m]

I didn't know I had been lesbian until last year after writing. I was an unconscious mover of words.

[Xof the Elder]

My name is Xof ... and I've been looking for love in all the wrong places. Here.

I've been a raving bender for 21 years and came out aged 16 to my non-plused mother who asked me if we could "talk about it after Corrie" - best answer she could have given. She'd been pretending she didn't know for at least 18 months and embarrassed me greatly with every girlfriend I ever brought home for the subsequent 4 years including banging on the door and asking my girlfriends to keep it down and giving my partners cold showers, on purpose.

I knew I was gay from age 7 when I wanted to be Jason Donovan when he married my Kylie #suddenly you're seeing me... just the way I am# - I cried and put myself to bed that evening - at 5.30. I never fully recovered.

My first girlfriend was 6 foot tall and drop dead gorgeous. Being a total div I cheated on her. She ripped up my full size Manic Street Preachers merch that I'd nicked from HMV - my pride and joy. Since then, I've had my laptop smashed, expensive wines mixed with cherry coke/poured down the sink and had suitcases slashed, stolen and flung at me. Even when I haven't cheated! How's that for being born under a bad sign? (I'm a Capricorn).

Despite 9 straight years of good behaviour I'm still imprisoned in my own world of terrible short lived relationships and/or being used as a Duracell bunny sex toy.

I'd say, after 21 years, finding myself is about the only option left. I think it starts with throwing away all my mini-cheddars and giving myself a good talking to/seeing to/manicure.

[scouser]

^