Author Topic: finding yourself or coming out  (Read 74054 times)

Offline Rachael

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Re: finding yourself or coming out
« Reply #315 on: Mar 19, 2013, 10:04:41 PM »
Hi Slantrhyme,

well done you for getting through all of that!  now comes the fun part of diving in the lesbian pool and not looking back  :D

welcome to the board

Rachael

Slantrhyme

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Re: finding yourself or coming out
« Reply #316 on: Mar 20, 2013, 09:29:12 AM »
Hi Slantrhyme,

well done you for getting through all of that!  now comes the fun part of diving in the lesbian pool and not looking back  :D

welcome to the board

Rachael

Thanks Rachael x

Offline Musette

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Re: finding yourself or coming out
« Reply #317 on: Mar 21, 2013, 04:07:22 PM »
^ And I say well done for doing it by 31. Plenty of us didn't do it until much older than that!
"U r a multifaceted dark horse. Oh yes you are..."

a wise and helpful soul, Musette  ;D

Offline sally33

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Re: finding yourself or coming out
« Reply #318 on: Mar 21, 2013, 05:31:37 PM »
^ And I say well done for doing it by 31. Plenty of us didn't do it until much older than that!

Yes I was 42 ...so you've got 11 yrs on me ...good luck!!
"Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self-esteem, first make sure that you are not, in fact, just surrounded by assholes. ~ William Gibson

Offline Chablis

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Re: finding yourself or coming out
« Reply #319 on: Mar 21, 2013, 05:43:59 PM »
I was 46. so you are loads younger than me ??? ???
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Re: finding yourself or coming out
« Reply #320 on: Mar 22, 2013, 03:13:11 PM »
Thank you all xx

Offline Vera9

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Re: finding yourself or coming out
« Reply #321 on: Mar 25, 2013, 11:40:47 PM »
I'm still skulking around here; partially out to the world at large (everyone except family), still not lost my virginity... but my lovely lesbian mate has promised to get me hooked up asap (or lead me to some lesbians and let me hook myself up, at any rate). So things are moving on, and I'm more tolerant of others' misconceptions/ opinions about being 'bi'. If I am that anyway. As someone else pointed out, it's perfectly ok to accept yourself as you are, as you go, rather than trying to be it all and do it all at once. I've seen that it's one long learning curve basically. Very interesting how some people feel threatened by it all though, straight/ gay men and women. Awkward moment in a crowded bar when I realised my friend had let her friend know I was a virgin..it was written all over her face..but f# it; who cares?! If anything it helped me lighten up, and see the funny side of it, and stop taking myself so damn seriously.

Really encouraged to see that I'm by no means the oldest virgin-ahem- late starter here (36). But it will be one label I'll be pleased to see the back of  :D
Be yourself. Everybody else is already taken. ♥

Offline Musette

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Re: finding yourself or coming out
« Reply #322 on: Mar 27, 2013, 12:57:46 AM »
Good luck Vera9. Being able to see the funny side of it all is a good start :)
Hope you don't have problems with your family though.
"U r a multifaceted dark horse. Oh yes you are..."

a wise and helpful soul, Musette  ;D

Slantrhyme

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Re: finding yourself or coming out
« Reply #323 on: May 05, 2013, 11:00:43 AM »
I just spent an age typing this out for a thread on another forum that was asking how long people had known they were gay and how did they come to realise. I remembered this thread which I have posted in previously so I thought I'd paste it in here. It goes through some similar stuff to my other post but there's probably some other things in it as well.         

I was always told when I was a kid that being homosexual, especially lesbian was disgusting and somewhere along the line that must have gone in a lot further than I'd imagined. Then when I was at school I was dealing with the usual growing up stuff, plus having a severe visual impairment, so I used to get bullied a lot. I was hurt, confused and angry and I just shut my emotions down and built a massive wall around myself to protect me and keep people out. People used to say I was thick skinned, nothing could affect me and I just didn't care about other people. This wasn't true, things did go in and they hurt, I just never ever showed my emotions in front of people because I felt it gave them something else to pick at, it was a show of weakness I suppose.

Then when I left school and went to college I got quite heavily into drugs. Just dope at first but I was always smoking. I'd wake up in the morning and skin up. Then I started doing other things as well. My head was completely mashed most of the time.

All the way through school and college I never had a boy friend, not even so much as a crush. I had infatuations with a couple of men but they were all older. I think I admired and kind of hero worshipped them. Never any boys at my school or college though and they were never interested in me.

When it came time for me to leave college I met my husband. He was having a bad time and used to tell me how unhappy he was. I fell madly for him. Again he is a lot older and I think in some ways I wanted to save him. There was never a physical attraction on my side though and when the sex started it never felt right.I was so excited the first time, I was desperate to try this sex thing that everyone raved on about so much. I didn't really feel anything though. I put it down to it being the first time but it never improved. As long as that emotional attachment existed between the two of us then it was nice to be close, but as for any pleasure, than never really happened.Then when the emotional bond started to whither the sex became less and less interesting and more and more uncomfortable. Sometimes I would have the need and I'd try my hardest to concentrate and I might get a little bit of enjoyment out of it, but afterwards I just wanted it over and to get away. My husband would like to cuddle me and talk about it but I just felt uncomfortable and a bit sick.

A couple of years ago I decided I wanted to go to university to study English. I was accepted on to a degree course. This was the first time in ten years that I had been somewhere by myself, had my own identity and had the chance to make friends.There was a bisexual girl in my class who I used to sit by most of the time. Sometimes I used to get a flutter when I saw her. It was only a tiny thing because I wouldn't allow it to be anything more. Then when I found out she was bi I ran a mile. I felt sick and stayed away. Then I started my second year and was with a different group of people. I made friends more easily and I made one firend in particular.I've never had a crush on this friend but she is the first female friend I've had since school, through her I learned what it is like to emotionally engage with a woman. Then I made more female friends.

About this time I started to get fantasies about women. At first I pushed them a way but they were getting so insistant that I allowed my mind to let them in and think about them. I went like this for a while, I'd think all the time about women but I would never a tribute these fantasies to myself. I never allowed myself to own the thoughts. Then one day I had a major crisis. I thought to myself, 'why are you thinking all these thoughts?' There was only really one answer. I then admitted to myself that I was questioning my sexuality.

While all this was going on, I was going through the worst spell of depression of my life. I wasn't sleeping, I wasn't eating, I was shaking all the time and I would shut myself away from people and not want to talk. This only happened at home though, at college I was fine. It was my space to be who I wanted and most importantly, to be myself.

It took me a while before I could verbalise my issues surrounding my sexuality. That was where Internet support forums helped immeasurably. When I could finally say it, just questioning at first, I started to accept myself in my own mind. I did a lot of thinking, a lot of self reflection and a lot of adding up the evidence in my life and my conclusion was clear. I am a lesbian.

I came out to my family and my husband two months ago and now all of my friends know as well. I am getting divorced and am in the process of finding myself a place to live.

Since I have realised my sexuality and openly admitted it, I have felt so much calmer in myself. All the residual anger I used to carry around with me all the time has gone and I feel like a massive, massive weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I still have a lot of things I have to deal with in order to get myself into a comfortable space, but as long as these problems have practical solutions then I can deal with them.

For most of my life I had this ball of worry inside my head and I couldn't get to the middle of it, it was impenetrable. Now I feel like I have managed to get to the core of the ball and I have started to unravel it.

This is the first time in my life that I have felt comfortable in my own skin. All my insecurities about not being feminine enough have gone, I no longer feel like there's something wrong with me because I'm not into men and I don't know, I just feel freer to be myself. I have a lot of things to work through with my divorce etc but as long as there is a practical solution, I can get my head down and just push on through. I feel my own mind is clearer and I can deal with all these things, now I know who I am.

Offline MzB

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Re: finding yourself or coming out
« Reply #324 on: May 05, 2013, 11:12:39 AM »
Thanks for posting that, Slantrhyme. I'm sure a lot of us can relate to it. Coming out obviously brings big challenges, but the self acceptance and potential for fulfilment make it worthwhile. And finding people and places to share it with makes such a difference.

onmyway

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Re: finding yourself or coming out
« Reply #325 on: May 05, 2013, 08:04:01 PM »
Yes, thank you Slantrhyme.  I really appreciate your honesty and openness.

Slantrhyme

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Re: finding yourself or coming out
« Reply #326 on: May 05, 2013, 09:30:05 PM »
Well, that's what I'm doin now. I'm finally being honest with myself and everyone else. Also, I know how lonely it feels when you're mind is turning itself inside out, trying to deal with something that you previously thought incomprehensible, hell, it nearly had me under the wheels of a train or in the psychiatric hospital. Somebody might read my post one day and see that they aren't the only person who has had to deal with it. I imagine most of the people on these boards have had similar experiences, just knowing you're not the only one makes all the difference.

valerie

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Re: finding yourself or coming out
« Reply #327 on: May 06, 2013, 10:58:42 PM »
I loved reading that Slantrhyme,very interesting.

Offline Vera9

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Re: finding yourself or coming out
« Reply #328 on: May 07, 2013, 12:56:41 AM »
Good luck Vera9. Being able to see the funny side of it all is a good start :)
Hope you don't have problems with your family though.

Thanks Musette. I'm dropping massive hints here and there. My dad is quite old school (or bigoted to put a finer point on it) but my mum probably wouldn't care either way. Actually, they might even be relieved, as I've a terrible track record with men.

Thanks to Slantrhyme. Again, I'm in awe of people's honesty and the fact that I'm not the only person who hasn't just wafted into queerness without noticing. What is funny is how narrow minded I've been in the past- in fact my own narrow-mindedness has actually masked my identity! I used to think you have to be a certain 'type' or things have to be a certain way in order to be gay. I didn't equate my 'weirdness' as I used to put it, with those other people. I think I thought that a little dyke with a banner saying, 'You like girls', should dance in front of my face first. I had to logically 'put the evidence together', before the girl with the banner entered. I think this seems like quite a common thing for people who have a lot of 'issues' in their lives. The sense of self is overwhelmed, and it can be like living in a labyrinth, trying to find yourself in there with all those emotions! x
Be yourself. Everybody else is already taken. ♥

Offline Noodles

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Re: finding yourself or coming out
« Reply #329 on: Aug 30, 2013, 09:23:28 PM »
 Posted this on a different thread but this seems to be a better place for my post :
 Hi , well I have been searching for somewhere to help take a load off , looks like you lot may have  ;)drawn the short straw!!! Lol !!! I'm 37 & have two wonderful sons . Divorced from their dad in 2006 ( we became more like brother & sister, no sex) I've since been in a relationship that is more or less over as the same thing is happening .i care about him but I just don't want to be intimate .  I have always known I have been attracted to women but have never ever verbalised it to anyone. Lately my sexuality is on my mind all the time. When I was in my early teens I had an experience  that was same sex . I have also kissed another girl , as a mess about , sounds stupid but I was really turned on . I have been so down the last year , as I working through things I've been trying to find me . I've gone from long hair to short hair . Changing what things I do. I'm becoming to realise that it's more down to this then anything else . I know that it's only me that can deal with this but really need any help or advice or opinions. As I said I haven't spoken to anyone . So many things going round my head , Lol feel like a blathering idiot but , hey it's typed so I'm sending it ......