Author Topic: finding yourself or coming out  (Read 71893 times)

Offline Mosaic

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Re: finding yourself or coming out
« Reply #30 on: Apr 20, 2007, 06:20:28 PM »
@neon - great post re labels.
Have lived and loved.  Still living (just) and am definitely still in love.

Offline Suze

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Re: finding yourself or coming out
« Reply #31 on: Apr 26, 2007, 11:16:29 AM »
bounce!
Begin doing what you want to do now.

We are not living in eternity.

We have only this moment, sparkling like a star in our hand and melting like a snowflake.

Offline debspa

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Why didn't I realise I was gay ?
« Reply #32 on: Apr 18, 2008, 04:17:50 PM »
Have been mulling this over for the past 6 months ( when the penny dropped ), but am just going round in circles.
I mean I am no spring chicken ( more early autumn !) but it took me til I was 49 to realise ! I would be lying if I said it had never crossed my mind during all those years. It did quite frequently, but I always seemed to be able to reason out why I felt what I did without alighting on the glaringly obvious.
 When asked if I was gay ( on several occasions ) I denied it , yet as far as I am aware have never felt remotely homophobic
My parents were both broad minded and fair and I know it woudn't have worried them at all
I suppose I just feel I have wasted so much time that I cant retrieve
thoughts anyone?

Sorry, what a whinge  !! Will now stop bleating and work out who I shall say I am on sun at the retro so as not to be embarrassed ! :-X

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Offline smiling

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Re: Why didn't I realise I was gay ?
« Reply #33 on: Apr 18, 2008, 04:29:51 PM »
i don't think you are the only one who took a while to realise and then to "admit" it (admit is not the right word, it sounds like you have been doing something naughty ::)) even to yourself.
 :) it's not embarrassing, it just is.
..auch die Ruhe nach dem Sturm
is nur die Ruhe vor dem Sturm.
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Bertie

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Re: Why didn't I realise I was gay ?
« Reply #34 on: Apr 18, 2008, 04:44:20 PM »
I think there's a lot of people in the same position as you, debspa. There's loads of women on GB who didn't come out till their thirties, forties, fifties, some after having been married to men.

I came out pretty young comparatively, but I still understand where you are coming from. From childhood, I can see in retrospect that the signs were there, I just never interpreted them properly. I spent my teenage years fucking as many boys as I could, assuming that one day I'd lose this feeling inside me that it was fundamentally wrong. That I'd stop feeling utterly disgusted with myself every time I had sex. That I'd stop thinking about doing it with girls. I can single out women I had crushes on from about the age of five onwards, but I don't think it ever occurred to me that that was what my feelings were, or when I was older and was able to interpret certain feelings as sexual, it didn't really occur to me that that would mean I was a lesbian. I don't know why. I wasn't brought up by homophobes or anything like that.

I felt very shy about coming out onto the scene (at the ancient age of 21!) because it seemed to me that every lesbian I met had known she was a lesbian from the moment she was born, had come out at 12 and never even seen a willy. I worried that because I hadn't been like that it either meant that a) I wasn't really a lesbian and I was making a horrible mistake by telling everyone I was and it would be really embarassing when I had to retract my coming-out, or b) other people would think I wasn't really a proper lesbian and I wouldn't get a girlfriend or any lesbian friends. I think there was a bit of cognitive distortion going on for me then!

I think something like 70-odd percent of lesbians have had sex with a man in their lives. I don't know what the stats are for gay men shagging women, but I think it's a lot lower. And this is purely anecdotal, but it has always seemed to me that you meet more gay women who have come out later on than you do gay men. If I'm right, I wonder why this is? Is it because women are under more pressure to conform to societal ideals? Or because women are less black-and-white in their thinking and more open to exploring the possibilities?

Anyway, try not to dwell on whether you have or haven't wasted time. Just make the most of it now you've figured it out!  ;)
« Last Edit: Apr 20, 2008, 11:18:28 PM by Pornographic Priestess »

Offline smiling

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Re: Why didn't I realise I was gay ?
« Reply #35 on: Apr 18, 2008, 04:52:19 PM »
Quote
I can single out women I had crushes on from about the age of five onwards, but I don't think it ever occurred to me that that was what my feelings were, or when I was older and was able to interpret certain feelings as sexual, it didn't really occur to me that that would mean I was a lesbian. I don't know why.
same.
looking back i feel a bit silly for not having realised earlier (i came out when i was 23), but i also wonder how no one else noticed - none of the grown-ups around me ever said anything/asked.
i did not have relationships/shags with lots of boys. i had NO relationships whatsoever. and i was obviously unhappy.  ::) guess that's quite a common experience, too, though.
..auch die Ruhe nach dem Sturm
is nur die Ruhe vor dem Sturm.
(Georg Danzer)

Offline debspa

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Re: Why didn't I realise I was gay ?
« Reply #36 on: Apr 18, 2008, 05:48:27 PM »
Quote
I can single out women I had crushes on from about the age of five onwards, but I don't think it ever occurred to me that that was what my feelings were, or when I was older and was able to interpret certain feelings as sexual, it didn't really occur to me that that would mean I was a lesbian. I don't know why.
same.
looking back i feel a bit silly for not having realised earlier (i came out when i was 23), but i also wonder how no one else noticed - none of the grown-ups around me ever said anything/asked.
i did not have relationships/shags with lots of boys. i had NO relationships whatsoever. and i was obviously unhappy.  ::) guess that's quite a common experience, too, though.


Well apparently EVERYONE I know seems to have been aware of my sexuality bar me. Just didn't ever feel they ought to mention it  !  And I think sparse and unfufilling best some up my relationship history with men
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NeverEndingStory

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Re: Why didn't I realise I was gay ?
« Reply #37 on: Apr 18, 2008, 06:43:51 PM »
I think as a 'minority' group (I use the word minority loosely) we're at risk of being assumed to be entirely similar to each other. Simple fact of the matter: we're not. Just because you didn't admit it to yourself, doesn't mean you've wasted time. Don't focus on what could have been because the chances are, it couldn't. Focus on what can be now and enjoy the rest of your life having awoken with a realisation about your self, your personality and your feelings. It's an amazing rebirth when you DO work out what is actually the most normal, natural and wonderful realisation.

Offline M&M

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Re: Why didn't I realise I was gay ?
« Reply #38 on: Apr 18, 2008, 06:53:58 PM »
i've often wondered y i didnt realise earlier too.

I mean in my case it was really obvious, but fighting so hard for love anywhere didn't help me to bring who i was out to th eforefron and it was only in my 20 that i finally realised i was a lesbian and accepted that i had been subconsiously fighting it all those years.
M&M

Offline Jenny Talia

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Re: Why didn't I realise I was gay ?
« Reply #39 on: Apr 18, 2008, 07:06:56 PM »
I didn't know.  I really didn't know.  I had a feeling that I was bisexual, but gay was something that just never occurred to me.  I liked women, I was attracted to women, I wanted to sleep with women... but I wasn't gay.

Even when I hit the gay scene and started sleeping with women I still didn't believe I was gay.

Then all of a sudden I was.

It was a bit of a shock.

I had several friends (and an ex-gf) who had absolutely no idea that they were gay until they fell madly in love/lust with a woman and it shocked them to the core.  My ex-gf and one of my closest friends were engaged to be married to men they loved when it happened.  Completely ruined the wedding plans :P

So we all go through it to some degree.
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Re: Why didn't I realise I was gay ?
« Reply #40 on: Apr 19, 2008, 12:27:25 AM »
I just wanted to 'fit in' - get married, have children etc. 

With hindsight, I should have realised at 15 when I fell madly in love with a woman that there was something going on inside there....but it took til 35, a marriage and children before I finally realised, once and for all, that there was no getting away from it.

Now living with the love of my life with a combination of kids from both relationships and wondering how I ever managed to fool myself that I may just be straight...  ::)

Offline koshka

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Re: Why didn't I realise I was gay ?
« Reply #41 on: Apr 19, 2008, 02:42:27 PM »
It took me a long time to figure it out (well, until I was in my mid-20s).  I think I always knew, I just didn't, well, realise.

If that makes sense...
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Offline M&M

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Re: Why didn't I realise I was gay ?
« Reply #42 on: Apr 22, 2008, 03:09:41 PM »
I didn't know.  I really didn't know....


*ditto

I should have done though.
M&M

Offline electriq

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Re: Why didn't I realise I was gay ?
« Reply #43 on: May 01, 2008, 02:18:43 PM »
I think I always knew, I just didn't, well, realise.

If that makes sense...

Makes sense to me, that was my experience too

bignose

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Re: Why didn't I realise I was gay ?
« Reply #44 on: May 01, 2008, 02:41:07 PM »
yeh I was in denial since I was a kid  ::)