I think I first realised something was a little bit different about me at the age of about 10. My first kiss.. James Briggs, a freckly, chubby boy who was best friends with my cousin. We kissed outside bells newsagents and I felt nothing.. it was icky.. I thought boys were icky.
I went to secondary school.. made friends with a boy called mark.. we went out for two years, never held hands.. attempted kissing once but we both freaked out a little bit. He's now a ballet dancer
So then at the age of 13 I moved to London, started school at a rough school that was under special measures in Peckham.. boring stuff really, then in year ten.. aged 15.. this amazing girl walked in. She'd been moved by her father.. from a girls school to my mixed school because she had been caught in an unappropriate compromise.. with another girl. Turkish, muslim.. this was clearly unacceptable. We formed a friendship.. there was a lot of us... but we became very close.. she was bothered by some boys because she was so pretty and she would tell them I was her girlfriend.. pretending to be intimate with me.. and one day.. she dragged me into a toilet cubicle to hide from them .. we'd usually giggle.. wait a few minutes and come back out. This time though.. she kissed me.
From there it esculated... kissing.. groping.. until a school trip when I discovered the wonders of her
We drifted apart towards the end of year eleven, our friendship was as close but her father arranged an engagement for her when she left school.. she was terribly unhappy and once we left school I heard from her once.. she was in a bad situation and it makes me sad to think of it.
I had another girlfriend towards the end of school.. A thai girl, equally as beautiful.. and into college we went..
I then ended up not wanting to be with her and dated a boy, one that was a very good friend.. again, it wasn't anything that felt nice or right to me.. and I couldn't commit or have any physical contact. Just because I didn't really fancy him. I hurt him a lot and I'll always be sorry for that.
I came out to my mum around this time.. my brother who's a little older than me is gay.. he laid the path for that.. she accepted him, as did the majority of my family.. so coming out wasn't too painful, I was and am very lucky to have my family.
So then I discovered gaydar... erk.. made lots of friends..started going out, doing things I shouldn't, using substances I shouldn't.. messing up my first year of A levels.. I saw a lot of girls.. I don't remember many significant ones but discovered a lot about my sexuality and the levels it could go to. I had a brief girlfriend called Natalie, the first girl that hurt me.. she left me for a boy.. at the time it was painful but now I just think I had a lucky escape from that one.
At 17 I'd started to go to gaydar meets, I had been out of it but someone had been watching me and they approached me online wanting to meet up. London Pride day.. 6th July 2002 I met a woman.. 13 years older than me who to be honest, I didn't find remotely attractive.. I strolled up, mashed from a champers breakfast in soho.. with short blood red hair and she seemed uninterested in me. I drank a lot.. then I drank some more.. thinking her friend phin was so cute and I'd love to have been meeting her that day.. when this girl started hitting on the fuzzy haired older woman in question.. cocky and 17, I didn't like this.. and moved in on her for the sake of it. I can't say I felt a lot of love for her, I can't say it was romantic.. special.. nice memories or something I don't regret.. but after 2.5 years.. of not so nice experiences in a relationship I shouldn't have been in, at the age of 20, I managed to get the confidence back that I'd lost to end it and was single again.
I was a single for a while.. I dated a friend I'd known for years... who screwed me over completely and at that point I'd had it with women.
I'd had a friend.. LC, we'd been friends since I was 17.. I remember the first time I saw her.. I was stunned, she was beautiful.. I didn't have any idea she had thought the same thing when seeing me.. but when we got closer during my single time.. all this came out, we formed a strong bond.. so much more than I could ever write.. and we went on a date.. from there we got closer and closer.. she moved in with me.. and to this day I remain totally in love with her.
Unfortunately she hurt me recently and the future of our relationship is very uncertain. But she's an amazing girl.. I'm only 22 and I don't know what will happen tomorrow but I know from past experience I've had.. being happy is whats important.
sorry I went on..