I've really enjoyed reading these. You all write very well.
I'm not really out, except to two people and internet people.
You know, my being a lesbian is about far more than sexual attraction to women (in fact, what worries me is that sexual attraction plays a very minor, if not completely non-existent role in my crushes). I've never had a 'lightbulb moment' which comes after realising you want to get into a woman's pants.
My crushes have always been more about emotional infatuations. And these crushes have always been on women. But it's never been like 'oh, she's so hot', etc. It's more like, 'I wish I could spend time in her office talking to her or just cuddling
with her or doing something. I don't really know what I'd like to do - just be
with the object of my affection, I suppose.
When I have a conversation with a female whose personality I find lovely, I naturally start to flirt with her, or at least want to. This emotional attraction only happens with females, even though I like men as people too, but I just don't seem to ever have the thought 'I'd like him to my boyfriend', as I'm sure other girls my age would have with a boy.
The realisation that I was a lesbian was a gradual one. In hindsight, I had a crush on my Grade 1 teacher. I definitely had a thing for teachers throughout school, and now have a thing for lecturers. The innocence of the nature of my crushes has not changed since I was 6, although my taste in women has.
To be honest, I think I'm a lot more asexual than the average person. For a while I thought I may be completely asexual, because I fancied neither boys my age, nor girls my age. I also never understood how someone could fancy a person (male or female) in a magazine, for example. I still do not understand the way people can have crushes based purely on looks. But I think I just have very, very, specific taste. I solely fancy people over about 30ish. I just don't see people my age as potential partners at all, or even as beings I can connect with. I don't know why. But it's definitely women I like as opposed to men.
I'm definitely ready to come out a bit more, maybe even get a real live girlfriend (gasp). I joined the group for lesbians/gay men/bisexuals at my university, but have yet to go to a meeting (I'm lazy and just feel like going home on a Friday afternoon most times). I haven't really 'got out' there into the gay scene because I think I always lived for the future. But I'm lucky now that I have a lot of independence and would be able to go to, say, a gay club on a Saturday night because I have my license, so I could explore my homosexuality without having to come out completely to my family first.
The reason I have not yet come out is not that I am ashamed or fear rejection from my family, but rather because, at the moment, I don't really feel it affects anything. I would come out if I was in a very serious relationship. But even then, I prefer not to share too much of myself with my family because it tends to lead to my being hurt, so this is just another part of me which I would like to keep safe for a while.
Lol, the end.