Author Topic: Ettiquete - what does a beginner need to know?  (Read 50451 times)

woteverBF

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Re: Ettiquete - what does a beginner need to know?
« Reply #30 on: Oct 10, 2006, 12:36:14 PM »
I must say, I hate checklists...they're boring to fill out, boring to read and my memory isn't good enough to retain that much information, so I have to keep checking back.

I prefer to ask someone their definite 'no's', if there's anything they want to try but haven't before....and sometimes I ask them to write a story to get an idea of the kind of mood/manner they like...if it doesn't match up to what I do, then I kick em to the kerb tell them politely that it isn't going to work...

kitty

I have found that newbies don't know what they are open to or not and the checklist did help to put items on the agenda so to speak.  ;) ;D *loves corrupting fresh minds*

Over time this changes so like I said updating the list is important and that would mean checking back and re-negotiating. Kicking stuff into touch is OK but not always (if it is a definite NO-NO for a sub I won't go there) and I just find other stuff to do which we both will enjoy ;D

Sometimes as a Top / Domme things for you may change as well ... I know a scene I'd like to sub in which I would never have thought I might do a year or more ago ;)  and I have found the Domme I'd like to sub to and we are in the negotiating phase ... being a sub is all very new to me even though I have been Topping for a while.

So checking where you are is also important.

woteverBF

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Re: Ettiquete - what does a beginner need to know?
« Reply #31 on: Oct 10, 2006, 12:37:43 PM »
http://www.fetishexchange.org/bdsm-checklist.shtml


Funny the boi and I were just saying the other night he should get a small card (like a business card) made up of NO's *grin* to give to other people ..... as sometimes the excitement of the moment can make you forget things .....
;)

There is a piccie there that GB may have a problem with?  I don't want to scare the Moderators ... have been chastised by them already  ???

Offline Captain Furry

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Re: Ettiquete - what does a beginner need to know?
« Reply #32 on: Oct 10, 2006, 12:38:53 PM »
http://www.fetishexchange.org/bdsm-checklist.shtml


Funny the boi and I were just saying the other night he should get a small card (like a business card) made up of NO's *grin* to give to other people ..... as sometimes the excitement of the moment can make you forget things .....
;)

There is a piccie there that GB may have a problem with?  I don't want to scare the Moderators ... have been chastised by them already  ???

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fetishkitty

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Re: Ettiquete - what does a beginner need to know?
« Reply #33 on: Oct 10, 2006, 12:41:32 PM »
I agree that checking where you are is cool - I just don't need a list to do it.  Even people who are totally new to SM (I'm not keen on the term 'newbie' either...I find it a bit silly and disrespectful) have some idea of what they want to try...they've usually got a fair few fantasies which have kept them entertained and which they'd like to bring to life.

But each to their own...whatever works for you has got to be good.  I must say, the advent of email is a godsend when it comes to negotiating...saves a lot of red faces...lol! ;D

kitty

pure evil

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Re: Ettiquete - what does a beginner need to know?
« Reply #34 on: Oct 10, 2006, 12:42:24 PM »
I must say, I hate checklists...they're boring to fill out, boring to read and my memory isn't good enough to retain that much information, so I have to keep checking back.

I prefer to ask someone their definite 'no's', if there's anything they want to try but haven't before....and sometimes I ask them to write a story to get an idea of the kind of mood/manner they like...if it doesn't match up to what I do, then I kick em to the kerb tell them politely that it isn't going to work...

kitty

yeah im also not keen on check lists...theyre too wide ranging, i prefer to see what the dynamic is, see what that inspires as a starting point then to work outwards from there.
getting people to write stories/porn has been really successful and ENTERTAINING

fetishkitty

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Re: Ettiquete - what does a beginner need to know?
« Reply #35 on: Oct 10, 2006, 12:45:03 PM »
getting people to write stories/porn has been really successful and ENTERTAINING

And saves money...less requirement to visit the adult section at Waterstones...teeheee

kitty

woteverBF

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Re: Ettiquete - what does a beginner need to know?
« Reply #36 on: Oct 10, 2006, 12:51:32 PM »
I must say, I hate checklists...they're boring to fill out, boring to read and my memory isn't good enough to retain that much information, so I have to keep checking back.

I prefer to ask someone their definite 'no's', if there's anything they want to try but haven't before....and sometimes I ask them to write a story to get an idea of the kind of mood/manner they like...if it doesn't match up to what I do, then I kick em to the kerb tell them politely that it isn't going to work...

kitty

yeah im also not keen on check lists...theyre too wide ranging, i prefer to see what the dynamic is, see what that inspires as a starting point then to work outwards from there.
getting people to write stories/porn has been really successful and ENTERTAINING

I have just written the second half of a story and am hoping to play it out ... NICE ONE  ;D ;D ;D

pure evil

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Re: Ettiquete - what does a beginner need to know?
« Reply #37 on: Oct 10, 2006, 12:52:34 PM »
getting people to write stories/porn has been really successful and ENTERTAINING

And saves money...less requirement to visit the adult section at Waterstones...teeheee

kitty

are you saying im cheap??...yeah you could be right  ;)
ive learned more from reading peoples stories/porn...and dreams than i could have from a mountain of check lists...i feel as if people can 'side step' with a check list

woteverBF

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Re: Ettiquete - what does a beginner need to know?
« Reply #38 on: Oct 10, 2006, 12:52:51 PM »
http://www.fetishexchange.org/bdsm-checklist.shtml


Funny the boi and I were just saying the other night he should get a small card (like a business card) made up of NO's *grin* to give to other people ..... as sometimes the excitement of the moment can make you forget things .....
;)

There is a piccie there that GB may have a problem with?  I don't want to scare the Moderators ... have been chastised by them already  ???

We're in the Dungeon, links don't have to be work safe.

Phew! ... just remembered I'm in the Dungeon!  ...  ;) ;D ;D

Offline karate boy

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Re: Ettiquete - what does a beginner need to know?
« Reply #39 on: Oct 10, 2006, 12:55:02 PM »
Quite I agree tho I have not switch for a couple of years ..... ;) But if you can't switch at a play party where there 'should be' an atmosphere of respect

..... like kitty said if you don't like it don't watch ......  ;) ;D

You are all right here ... it is the "subby" I was thinking of ... it can be a head-fuck for them.   ???

I had a subby who would NEVER entertain the thought that her Top or Dom would ever bottom or sub.


When I first started playing with my Daddy, and I was very new and inexperianced with the SM scene, the thought of seeing Him sub or bottom to someone else, filled me with dread! I thought I'd hate it, that it would shatter my image of Him I held in my head. Having said that, if He'd insisted it was something He needed to do, then of course I would have no right to say He couldn't. I just might not have been able to watch it :-X

Thank goodness I've moved on from there, and now with the confidence and experiance I have, I think as long as it was with someone we both knew and trusted, I would have no problem AT all with my Daddy switching if He ever chose to, or with Him switching for me ;D

Obviously it would be discussed and negotiated before hand. ;)
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Offline marzipan gnome

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Re: Ettiquete - what does a beginner need to know?
« Reply #40 on: Oct 10, 2006, 01:06:03 PM »
The checklists seem a little limited in use for those with limited experience. 

Better to start with those things that sparked your initial interest and build from there methinks.

It also helps to try and remember what your no's are. 

Offline marzipan gnome

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Re: Ettiquete - what does a beginner need to know?
« Reply #41 on: Oct 10, 2006, 01:22:17 PM »
Just because someone says they are a Top, Domme, sub etc it doesn't mean they are.

So do not not feel obligated to throw yourself to your knees or sumsuch and should you feel the need to laugh try to do it out of earshot as it may be that they are just not a Top in your eyes or they are not submissive in the way that gets you off.


oh and throwing yourself on your knees. Its so embarrassing for everyone when you do that to the domme in the pub. please don't.

Offline jad

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Etiquette
« Reply #42 on: Oct 10, 2006, 01:23:20 PM »
Am on mobile, so can't reply much as it's a pain! But a couple of points spring to mind...
* to King Casey - as far as i'm aware, there is nowhere on GB where links have to be worksafe as long as a headsup is given. The only restriction is as DB said, in the dungeon (and Vault) there can be no pictures worksafe or otherwise.
* i love most of the description of a Dominant, but agree with MV that it's not complete. However,  whilst accept that not all Tops are or want to be Dominants, i have yet to find a Dom/me that doesn't also meet the listed criteria for a Top.
* switches - i admit i'm always a little freaked the first time i see someone i've played with switch, in either direction... But i agree totally with SF's comment about not making a fuss!
* checklists - to my mind, sometimes useful for getting your own thoughts in order, but less so for sharing with a potential partner. i found completing one as a real newbie opened my eyes to a whole world of possibilities, but i still ended up with basically the same list of yes, no and maybes as i'd had just from my fantasies.

redred

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Re: Ettiquete - what does a beginner need to know?
« Reply #43 on: Oct 10, 2006, 01:26:34 PM »
i approach different people in different ways. Personally, i'm a verbal/organic person so a checklist would go against the grain, and, i think, could be intimidating to a novice SMer. It's too 'matter of fact' for my style of setting up play, although i'm always upfront verbally. I don't fanny about!

i agree with kitty that email/IM reduces the embarrassment in asking face to face for something you find hard to put into words. it also removes the 'oh....*shuffle shuffle*' if one were to get a polite refusal.

i like working from hard 'no's, it gives me more scope to be inventive and allow things to progress in their own way - the organic element of play for me. Conversely, a 'i'd really like to try such and such' or 'such and such is something i've been thinking about a lot' works well for me, particularly as there is an element of 'service top' in the way i play.

when i've played with someone more than once, then lists of 'to try' are sometimes good, so i can think about the next time we play together.

i also like to write, or be written to. A fantasy scenario is always a good starting point, from my perspective, particularly if the bottom enjoys role play. It tells me a lot of things they wouldn't necessarily say about themselves - they can project wants onto an 'unreal' situation.

Offline Daddy AJ

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Re: Ettiquete - what does a beginner need to know?
« Reply #44 on: Oct 10, 2006, 01:37:57 PM »
I prefer to ask someone their definite 'no's', if there's anything they want to try but haven't before....and sometimes I ask them to write a story to get an idea of the kind of mood/manner they like...if it doesn't match up to what I do, then I kick em to the kerb tell them politely that it isn't going to work...

I understand this point of view, but it's something we talked about at the sm dykes meeting on Sunday. Some people - newbies and even some more experienced - don't know what they like/want. The first time I saw a checklist (too long ago to mention  :-[  ;)) I was thrilled because I had simply not imagined the things or the combination of many of the things it mentioned. (I know, hard to imagine but it's true!  ::) :P)
I also think they will often remind people of things they perhaps haven't done in awhile, or ever, but would like to - though not enough that it's on their "top list" of things to do... if that makes sense!
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