Author Topic: Ettiquete - what does a beginner need to know?  (Read 49726 times)

Offline Captain Furry

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Re: Ettiquete - what does a beginner need to know?
« Reply #15 on: Oct 10, 2006, 12:03:26 PM »
I firmly believe that there should be no loss of face to be seen bottoming by someone you top.  Being a switch is a fundamental part of who I am, and if someone can't reconcile both my top and sub sides, then I'm less interested in playing with them.
« Last Edit: Oct 10, 2006, 12:07:10 PM by Captain Furry »
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Offline Daddy AJ

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Re: Ettiquete - what does a beginner need to know?
« Reply #16 on: Oct 10, 2006, 12:06:29 PM »
I firmly believe that there should be no loss of face to be seen bottoming my someone you top.  Being a switch is a fundamental part of who I am, and if someone can't reconcile both my top and sub sides, then I'm less interested in playing with them.

Hear, hear!!! Perfectly said gorgeous!!  ;D
"I give in to sin because you have to make this life liveable." - Depeche Mode

DaddyBear

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Re: Ettiquete - what does a beginner need to know?
« Reply #17 on: Oct 10, 2006, 12:08:48 PM »
Quite I agree tho I have not switch for a couple of years ..... ;) But if you can't switch at a play party where there 'should be' an atmosphere of respect

..... like kitty said if you don't like it don't watch ......  ;) ;D

woteverBF

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Re: Ettiquete - what does a beginner need to know?
« Reply #18 on: Oct 10, 2006, 12:11:51 PM »
I have used a checklist to negotiate playing terms in the past and it works well to get a sub to express their limits without any pressure in answering questions as they think the Top / Domme wants them to.

There is obviously the talking though of limits, hard & soft.  Talking through the checklist is good and will possibly make you both aware of what will work & what won't.

... and read the body language (it speaks volumes)  ;) when do they fidget, when do they lose eye contact and such like ...

woteverBF

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Re: Ettiquete - what does a beginner need to know?
« Reply #19 on: Oct 10, 2006, 12:13:47 PM »
Quite I agree tho I have not switch for a couple of years ..... ;) But if you can't switch at a play party where there 'should be' an atmosphere of respect

..... like kitty said if you don't like it don't watch ......  ;) ;D

You are all right here ... it is the "subby" I was thinking of ... it can be a head-fuck for them.   ???

I had a subby who would NEVER entertain the thought that her Top or Dom would ever bottom or sub.

Offline Captain Furry

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Re: Ettiquete - what does a beginner need to know?
« Reply #20 on: Oct 10, 2006, 12:21:11 PM »
I had a subby who would NEVER entertain the thought that her Top or Dom would ever bottom or sub.

I find people who have such a single minded view of the world to be quite dull.
Flip your wings and fly to your Daddy
Take a dive and swim to your Daddy
Hit the floor and crawl to your Daddy

woteverBF

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Re: Ettiquete - what does a beginner need to know?
« Reply #21 on: Oct 10, 2006, 12:22:33 PM »
This is the sort of checklist I have used in the past ... put it in a word document ... a spreadsheet with columns is better.

This checklist should be filled out by a Sub and provided to their Dom/Top before playing with them. This will provide a quick "head-start" to identifying limits, negotiating and finding common ground for play. Dominants may wish to work through the checklist, to get a better handle on their specific interests. Switches should go through the checklist twice; one persons Dom and Sub interests may be very different.

For each item, you need to provide two answers:

For experience, write YES or NO next to each item to indicate if you have ever DONE that activity.
Mark N/A if it does not apply to your gender.
For willingness, indicate for each item how you feel about DOING that activity by rating it on a scale of NO or 0 to 5.
"?" means you don't understand what the item is attempting to describe.
NO means you will NOT do that item under any circumstances (a hard limit).
0 (zero) indicates you have utterly no desire to do that activity and don't like doing it (in fact, may loath it) and would ordinarily object to doing it, but you would permit the Dominant to do it if it they really wanted it. (sometimes called a "soft limit").

1 means you don't want to do or like to do this activity, but wouldn't object if it was asked of you.
2 means you are willing to do this activity, but it has no special appeal for you.
3 means you usually like doing this activity, at least on an irregular/ occasional basis.
4 means you like doing this activity, and would like to experience it on a regular basis.
5 means the activity is a wild turn-on for you, and you would like it as often as possible.

Mark with an asterisk (*) those items which you are willing to do only with your current sex partner(s), but not with casual play-partners.

Note any additional information or nuances which might be important for your Dom to know in the margin to the right. For example under diapers you might wish to distinguish between "wetting" and "soiling".

There is intentionally some overlap between categories. Unless otherwise stated, the Sub is the recipient/target of the activity.


                                                   Experience Willingness  Notes & Nuances   yes/no,    NO or 0-5
Abrasion
Age play
Anal sex
Anal plugs (small)
Anal plugs (large)
Anal plug (public, under clothes)
Animal roles
Arm & leg sleeves (armbinders)
Aromas            
Asphyxiation
Auctioned for charity
Ball stretching         
Bathroom use control
Beastiality
Beating (soft)
Beating (hard)
Blindfolds
Being serviced (sexual)
Being bitten
Boot worship
Bondage (light)
Bondage (heavy)
Bondage (multi-day)
Bondage (public, under clothing)
Branding
Breast/chest bondage
Breast whipping
Breath control
Brown showers (scat)
Bruises
Cages (locked inside of)
Caning
Castration fantasy      
Catheterization
Cattle prod (electrical toy)
Cells/Closets (locked inside of)
Chains            
Chamber-pot use         
Chastity belts (short term)
Chastity belts (multi-day)
Chauffeuring (driving)
Choking
Chores (domestic service)   
Clothespins
Cock rings/straps      
Cock worship
Collars (worn in private)
Collars (worn in public)
Competitions (with other Subs)
Corsets (wearing casually)
Corsets (trained waist reduction)
Cross-dressing
Cuffs (leather)
Cuffs (metal)
Cutting
Diapers (wearing)      
Diapers (wetting)      
Diapers (soiling)      
Dilation
Dildoes            
Double penetration
Electricity
Enemas (for cleansing)
Enemas (retention/punishment)
Enforced chastity
Erotic dance (for audience)
Examinations (physical)
Exercise (forced/required)
Exhibitionism (friends)
Exhibitionism (strangers)
Eye contact restrictions
Face slapping
Fantasy abandonment
Fantasy rape
Fantasy gang-rape
Fear (being scared)      
Fisting (anal)
Fisting (vaginal)
Flame play         
Following orders
Food play (cucumbers, sorbet...)
Foot worship
Forced bedwetting
Forced dressing
Forced eating
Forced homosexuality
Forced heterosexuality
Forced masturbation
Forced nudity (private)
Forced nudity (around others)
Forced servitude
Forced smoking
Full head hoods
Gags (cloth)
Gags (inflatable)      
Gags (phallic)
Gags (rubber)
Gags (tape)
Gas masks         
Gates of Hell (male)
Genital sex
Given away to another Dom (temp)
Given away to another Dom (perm)
Golden showers
Gun play         
Hairbrush spankings
Hair pulling
Hand jobs (giving)
Hand jobs (receiving)
Harems (serving w/other subs)
Harnessing (leather)
Harnessing (rope)
Having food chosen for you
Having clothing chosen for you
Head (give fellatio/cunnilingus)
Head (recv fellatio/cunnilingus)
High heel wearing
High heel worship
Homage with tongue (non-sexual)
Hoods            
Hot oils (on genitals)
Hot waxing
Housework (doing)
Human puppy dog
Humiliation (private)
Humiliation (public)
Hypnotism
Ice cubes
Immobilization         
Infantilism
Initiation rites
Injections
Intricate (Japanese) rope bondage
Interrogations
Kidnaping
Kneeling
Knife play         
Leather clothing
Leather restraints
Lectures for misbehavior
Licking (non-sexual)
Lingerie (wearing)      
Manacles & Irons
Manicures (giving)
Massage (giving)
Massage (receiving)
Medical scenes
Modeling for erotic photos
Mouth bits
Mummification
Name change (for scene)
Name change (legal, permanent)
Nipple clamps
Nipple rings (piercings)
Nipple play/"torture"      
Nipple weights
Oral/anal play (rimming)
Over-the-knee spanking
Orgasm denial
Orgasm control
Outdoor scenes
Outdoor sex
Pain (mild)         
Pain (medium)
Pain (severe)         
Persona training (in scene)
Personality modification (RL)   
Phone sex (serving Dom)
Phone sex (serving Dom's friends)
Phone sex (commercial provider)
Piercing (temporary, play-pierce)
Piercing (permanent)
Plastic surgery
Prison scenes
Prostitution (public pretense)
Prostitution (actual)
Pony slave
Public exposure
Punishment Scene      
Pussy/cock whipping
Pussy worship
Riding crops
Riding the "horse" (crotch torture)
Rituals
Religious scenes
Restrictive rules on behavior
Rubber/latex clothing
Rope body harness
Saran wrapping
Scarification
Scratching - getting
Scratching - giving
Sensory deprivation
Serving
Serving as art
Serving as ashtray
Serving as furniture
Serving as a maid
Serving as toilet (urine)
Serving as toilet (feces)
Serving as waitress/waiter
Serving orally (sexual)
Serving other doms (supervised)
Serving other doms (unsupervised)
Sexual deprivation (short term)
Sexual deprivation (long term)
Shaving (body hair)
Shaving (genital hair)
Shaving (head hair)
Skinny-dipping
Sleep deprivation
Sleepsacks
Slutty clothing (private)
Slutty clothing (public)
Spandex clothing
Spanking
Speech restrictions (when, what)
Speculums (Anal)
Speculums (vaginal)
Spitting         
Spreader bars
Standing in corner
Stocks
Straight jackets
Strap-on-dildos (sucking on)
Strap-on-dildos (penetrated by)
Strap-on-dildos (wearing)
Strapping (full body beating)
Suspension (upright)
Suspension (inverted)
Suspension (horizontal)
Supplying new partners for Dom
Swallowing feces
Swallowing semen
Swallowing urine
Swapping (with one other couple)
Swinging (multiple couples)
Tampon Training (in ass)   
Tattooing
Teasing
TENS Unit (electrical toy)
Thumbcuffs (metal)      
Tickling
Triple penetration
Urethral Sounds (metal rods)   
Uniforms
Including others
Vaginal dildo
Verbal humiliation
Vibrator on genitals
Violet Wand (electrical toy)
Voyeurism (watching others)
Voyeurism (your Dom w/others)
Video (watching others)
Video (recordings of you)
Water torture
Waxing (hair removal)      
Wearing symbolic jewelry
Weight gain (forced)
Weight loss (forced)
Whipping
Wooden paddles
Wrestling


Over time the answers will change and this should be updated if you become long-term playing partners ... and REMEMBER to keep it CONFIDENTIAL!!!

woteverBF

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Re: Ettiquete - what does a beginner need to know?
« Reply #22 on: Oct 10, 2006, 12:23:19 PM »
I had a subby who would NEVER entertain the thought that her Top or Dom would ever bottom or sub.

I find people who have such a single minded view of the world to be quite dull.

We don't play together ANYMORE .... does that tell you why?  Dull indeed!  ;D ;D

DaddyBear

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Re: Ettiquete - what does a beginner need to know?
« Reply #23 on: Oct 10, 2006, 12:23:59 PM »
Quite I agree tho I have not switch for a couple of years ..... ;) But if you can't switch at a play party where there 'should be' an atmosphere of respect

..... like kitty said if you don't like it don't watch ......  ;) ;D

You are all right here ... it is the "subby" I was thinking of ... it can be a head-fuck for them.   ???

I had a subby who would NEVER entertain the thought that her Top or Dom would ever bottom or sub.

And yes there are lots of check lists and slave/sub contracts out there on the web ....


Oh I'll probably sub to My boi when the time comes after all I am kinda mentoring him anyway (and it cld be in private or public) ...... *wink* it's all to do with negotiation in that case ..... If i was with someone who said 'I could never see you in that role' then perhaps I would not do that in front of them ..... if they were my partner I'd wait until they said they were comfortable or not ... every situation and relationship is different (thank god) :) :)

and anyway I'd never be with anyone who was too submissive I like a bit of spark and fight ...

I have just realised I don't like the word 'subby' *grin* as in My subby .... sounds very odd to my furry ears  ;)

Offline Captain Furry

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Re: Ettiquete - what does a beginner need to know?
« Reply #24 on: Oct 10, 2006, 12:24:46 PM »
Wow King Casey, that's quite an extensive list.  And the Excel geek in me is LOVING it!  :D
Flip your wings and fly to your Daddy
Take a dive and swim to your Daddy
Hit the floor and crawl to your Daddy

fetishkitty

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Re: Ettiquete - what does a beginner need to know?
« Reply #25 on: Oct 10, 2006, 12:27:19 PM »
I must say, I hate checklists...they're boring to fill out, boring to read and my memory isn't good enough to retain that much information, so I have to keep checking back.

I prefer to ask someone their definite 'no's', if there's anything they want to try but haven't before....and sometimes I ask them to write a story to get an idea of the kind of mood/manner they like...if it doesn't match up to what I do, then I kick em to the kerb tell them politely that it isn't going to work...

kitty

woteverBF

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Re: Ettiquete - what does a beginner need to know?
« Reply #26 on: Oct 10, 2006, 12:28:13 PM »
Wow King Casey, that's quite an extensive list.  And the Excel geek in me is LOVING it!  :D

UP.  I confess, I am a bit of a GEEK too ...  ;)

The list might scare a newbie at first but hey I find it *opens their minds up* into "all the possibilities of play"  ;) :D

DaddyBear

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Re: Ettiquete - what does a beginner need to know?
« Reply #27 on: Oct 10, 2006, 12:29:51 PM »
http://www.fetishexchange.org/bdsm-checklist.shtml


Funny the boi and I were just saying the other night he should get a small card (like a business card) made up of NO's *grin* to give to other people ..... as sometimes the excitement of the moment can make you forget things .....
;)

Offline Captain Furry

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Re: Ettiquete - what does a beginner need to know?
« Reply #28 on: Oct 10, 2006, 12:31:05 PM »
Wow King Casey, that's quite an extensive list.  And the Excel geek in me is LOVING it!  :D

UP.  I confess, I am a bit of a GEEK too ...  ;)

The list might scare a newbie at first but hey I find it *opens their minds up* into "all the possibilities of play"  ;) :D

I do love the theory of it as a geek, but it's a bit too much hassle for me.  For a scene or short term play partner I'd much rather have their hard nos and a sense of what they want to try.  For a long term play partner, I'd rather get to know them slowly over time, to organically build the play repertoire.
Flip your wings and fly to your Daddy
Take a dive and swim to your Daddy
Hit the floor and crawl to your Daddy

DaddyBear

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Re: Ettiquete - what does a beginner need to know?
« Reply #29 on: Oct 10, 2006, 12:34:24 PM »
aw hell while we are at it http://www.gaycityusa.com/HANKYCODES.htm *grin* always a source of amusement .... and I got a Orange one free from Mr B in A'dam ..... now that I won't wear in public on the right *snigger* perhaps at a private party one day *gawf*