Let's Talk About... > The Dungeon
Ettiquete - what does a beginner need to know?
dragonfly:
We had a discussion about this topic at the last SM Dykes South East meet as there were so many newbies in attendence.
So to for those of you that couldn't make it on Sunday - either newbies or kinky fossils - or any newbies that have found their way here since the meeting and who might want to talk about it some more...
What does a biginer need to know, or maybe even what do you wish you'd known when you were statring out?
Discuss :D
woteverBF:
Wished I knew the difference between a Top and a Dom/me when I started.
I would have saved myself the grief of picking the wrong play partners, i.e choosing women who wanted a Dominant rather than a Top ... I had a significant play partner who moaned one day that she "wanted a Dom and not a Top" ... and also to have known the not so subtle differences between a bottom, submissive & slave.
A Dominant is ...
A dominant person enjoys being in control of a submissive person. Reasons for this are said to include demonstrating skill and power, having ownership of another person, and being the object of affection and devotion. Domination may be the way in which the dominant feels most comfortable expressing and/or receiving affection. Service oriented dominants would add that it is obviously useful to have the resources and abilities of another human at their disposal.
There may be other motives, including pleasure taken not only in sheer power but in the suffering of others, thrill seeking in taking risks and outright self destructiveness. That is why many in the BDSM community are concerned with establishing the motivations of those involved in an encounter and advise caution in making BDSM connections.
.. whereas a Top is
A Top is a partner who takes the role of giver in such acts as bondage, discipline (e.g. flogging) or humiliation. The Top performs acts such as these upon the bottom.
The top is sometimes the partner who is following instructions, i.e., he tops when, and in the manner, requested by the bottom. A person who applies sensation or control to a bottom, but does so to the bottom's explicit instruction is a service top.
A Top who has been given more power in general over their partner and might give orders would usually be termed a Dom (or Dominant) or possibly a Master/Mistress, or other gender equivalents.
A Top need not be a top (i.e. insertive sex partner). Activities between a Top and Bottom might or might not include sex.
- extracts from Informed Consent
Ruby:
--- Quote from: King Casey on Oct 10, 2006, 04:08:29 AM ---A Dominant is ...
A dominant person enjoys being in control of a submissive person. Reasons for this are said to include demonstrating skill and power, having ownership of another person, and being the object of affection and devotion. Domination may be the way in which the dominant feels most comfortable expressing and/or receiving affection. Service oriented dominants would add that it is obviously useful to have the resources and abilities of another human at their disposal.
--- End quote ---
This describes me to a T as much as any written description of being a Domme ever has.
Thanks very much for posting it, KC.
At some point or another, many subs will struggle with this. No amount of my saying "This is how it is" seems to help.
In my experience, it's one of those things you have to live through and understand in retrospect. I include myself in this.
I wish, when I was starting out as a Domme, I had realised that this would come as such a surprise ::) to many submissives. That no amount of explanation or preparation would prevent them from acknowledging that yes, I really am a Domme and not a top.
I'm so pleased this definition is up here.
pure evil:
i suppose i still see myself as a 'begginer'.
on starting....i wish i had of realised how many different 'flavours' of S/M there are...and that all of these are valid. But its very much up to me to be clear about how i fit into that and to discover what i truely want. ive learned to trust my gut instincts and to respect my own limits about what i expect from other people.
im a domme, thats what is right for me, tho it has at times been hard to own...because i find my wants and needs are very specific, they dont always fit with other peoples ideas of 'how it might be'.
ive learned to respect absolutely my own boundaries, to be strict in expecting other people to express theirs and to act from this place. its been amazingly valuable to be part of a communitiy...no matter how shifting and transient that may seem at times. to be able to watch how other people play and do their relationships, i think thats the best thing...to watch, learn...and keep learning.
DaddyBear:
http://www.iron-rose.com/IR/docs/etiq.htm and it's fairly worksafe no pics ... quite useful I am sure I have seen better ....
Respect: for those you are playing with and those playing around you
NEVER: interupt a scene or get too close ... unless you want to be caught by that flogger/whip etc and then you'll get no sympathy
NEVER: stand about talking in a loud voice about a). what you had for breakfast b). how you'd play that scene etc or c). having a laugh with mates.
This is offputting to the Top and the sub. Once I am concentrating on My play partner I can zone out noise and people (my sub may not be able to and they may be new) BUT loud laughter and talking a few feet away is annoying and I should not have to stop my scene to tell someone to shut up.
Take no for an answer. Don't argue the toss No means No as a Top or a bottom (and variations there of)
If you see someone in the street out of context from a raunchy party the night before don't go running up to them and thier mates banging on about how good it was ... they may well not be 'out' in that way to them ...
Be safe .... 1st time at a new persons house for play .... let a close friend know where you are .... no one will mind if you ask to send a txt to say your are there safe ...
and many more I can't think of off the top of my head ....
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