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[dragonfly]

We had a discussion about this topic at the last SM Dykes South East meet as there were so many newbies in attendence. 

So to for those of you that couldn't make it on Sunday - either newbies or kinky fossils -  or any newbies that have found their way here since the meeting and who might want to talk about it some more...

What does a biginer need to know, or maybe even what do you wish you'd known when you were statring out?

Discuss

[woteverBF]

Wished I knew the difference between a Top and a Dom/me when I started.

I would have saved myself the grief of picking the wrong play partners, i.e choosing women who wanted a Dominant rather than a Top ... I had a significant play partner who moaned one day that she "wanted a Dom and not a Top" ... and also to have known the not so subtle differences between a bottom, submissive & slave.

A Dominant is ...

A dominant person enjoys being in control of a submissive person. Reasons for this are said to include demonstrating skill and power, having ownership of another person, and being the object of affection and devotion. Domination may be the way in which the dominant feels most comfortable expressing and/or receiving affection. Service oriented dominants would add that it is obviously useful to have the resources and abilities of another human at their disposal.

There may be other motives, including pleasure taken not only in sheer power but in the suffering of others, thrill seeking in taking risks and outright self destructiveness. That is why many in the BDSM community are concerned with establishing the motivations of those involved in an encounter and advise caution in making BDSM connections.

.. whereas a Top is

A Top is a partner who takes the role of giver in such acts as bondage, discipline (e.g. flogging) or humiliation. The Top performs acts such as these upon the bottom.

The top is sometimes the partner who is following instructions, i.e., he tops when, and in the manner, requested by the bottom. A person who applies sensation or control to a bottom, but does so to the bottom's explicit instruction is a service top.

A Top who has been given more power in general over their partner and might give orders would usually be termed a Dom (or Dominant) or possibly a Master/Mistress, or other gender equivalents.

A Top need not be a top (i.e. insertive sex partner). Activities between a Top and Bottom might or might not include sex.

- extracts from Informed Consent

[Ruby]

A Dominant is ...

A dominant person enjoys being in control of a submissive person. Reasons for this are said to include demonstrating skill and power, having ownership of another person, and being the object of affection and devotion. Domination may be the way in which the dominant feels most comfortable expressing and/or receiving affection. Service oriented dominants would add that it is obviously useful to have the resources and abilities of another human at their disposal.

This describes me to a T as much as any written description of being a Domme ever has.
Thanks very much for posting it, KC.

At some point or another, many subs will struggle with this. No amount of my saying "This is how it is" seems to help.
In my experience, it's one of those things you have to live through and understand in retrospect.  I include myself in this.

I wish, when I was starting out as a Domme, I had realised that this would come as such a surprise to many submissives.  That no amount of explanation or preparation would prevent them from acknowledging that yes, I really am a Domme and not a top.

I'm so pleased this definition is up here.

[pure evil]

i suppose i still see myself as a 'begginer'.
on starting....i wish i had of realised how many different 'flavours' of S/M there are...and that all of these are valid. But its very much up to me to be clear about how i fit into that and to discover what i truely want. ive learned to trust my gut instincts and to respect my own limits about what i expect from other people.
im a domme, thats what is right for me, tho it has at times been hard to own...because i find my wants and needs are very specific, they dont always fit with other peoples ideas of 'how it might be'.
ive learned to respect absolutely my own boundaries, to be strict in expecting other people to express theirs and to act from this place. its been amazingly valuable to be part of a communitiy...no matter how shifting and transient that may seem at times. to be able to watch how other people play and do their relationships, i think thats the best thing...to watch, learn...and keep learning.

[DaddyBear]

http://www.iron-rose.com/IR/docs/etiq.htm and it's fairly worksafe no pics ... quite useful I am sure I have seen better ....

Respect: for those you are playing with and those playing around you

NEVER: interupt a scene or get too close ... unless you want to be caught by that flogger/whip etc and then you'll get no sympathy

NEVER: stand about talking in a loud voice about a). what you had for breakfast b). how you'd play that scene etc or c). having a laugh with mates. 

This is offputting to the Top and the sub. Once I am concentrating on My  play partner I can zone out noise and people (my sub may not be able to and they may be new) BUT loud laughter and talking a few feet away is annoying and I should not have to stop my scene to tell someone to shut up.

Take no for an answer. Don't argue the toss No means No as a Top or a bottom (and variations there of)

If you see someone in the street out of context from a raunchy party the night before don't go running up to them and thier mates banging on about how good it was ... they may well not be 'out' in that way to them ...

Be safe .... 1st time at a new persons house for play .... let a close friend know where you are .... no one will mind if you ask to send a txt to say your are there safe ...

and many more I can't think of off the top of my head ....

[karate boy]

I'd say basic ettiquette should include:

Not interrupting a scene, getting in the way of a scene, talking loudly near a scene (I've seen these happen so many times!)

Never touch a collared sub/bottom/boi/girl without permission from their Domm/me/Top/Daddy etc. (I've also had this happen to me a lot!)

Don't assume just because someone "looks" Dommey, that you can go up to them and beg to be played with. Not everyone is as they appear, so don't make assumptions that will make you and them feel uncomfortable! (Again, I've had friends be made to feel very uncomfortable.. tho to be fair, mainly in the straight SM scene with submissive men assuming them to be Mistresses, and approaching them and making inappropriate requests)

And I know there's a lot more, those are just a couple of points I wanted to put across as they are ones that annoy me a lot on the scene.

[DaddyBear]

Oh yeah the no touching thing ..... how many time has someone grabbed my boi's hair or collar without permission ..... just cos he subs to ME don't mean he is floor fodder for everyone calling themselves a Top/Domme/whatever ....

*grin* 'floor fodder' I like that


Do not make assumptions .....  if in doubt wait until an appropriate moment and ask politely

[karate boy]

*grin* 'floor fodder' I like that

<--- Faggot floor fodder

[Mistress Vamp]

A dominant person enjoys being in control of a submissive person.

Great descriptions, and not wishing to be pedantic I would like to clarify on a couple of points you expressed from my perspective. A Domme isn't always in control of a submissive person, I think it could be described more accurately as someone who is willing to be submissive or bottom to the Domme. That person who is willing to be submissive, could be a submissive, slave, bottom, switch or even a top or domme themselves.

There may be other motives, including pleasure taken not only in sheer power but in the suffering of others, thrill seeking in taking risks and outright self destructiveness.

I do agree that most good Dommes have a sadistic streak , however I do not agree on the destructiveness part, and think this a dangerous road to persue. There seem to be many positive motivations missing from this list, such as: love and passion, sexual attraction and arousal and also affiliation - I think bdsm play gives you a deeply unique connection to your play partner.

[Captain Furry]

This is a somewhat random collection of thoughts:

Don't assume that you've found a perfect match because you like to be flogged and the person you have your eye on likes to flog.  Be willing to spend a little time checking out the chemistry and dynamic. 

A safeword is like a fire alarm.  Check it occassionally to make sure you feel comfortable using it.  If you're new and the top/dom/whatever says he/she doesn't like safewords think very carefully before putting yourself in that situation.

Switches are tops and bottoms too.  If you see a scary top suddenly on his/her knees, don't make a visible fuss.

[karate boy]

Switches are tops and bottoms too.  If you see a scary top suddenly on his/her knees, don't make a visible fuss.

Nice point

[pure evil]

Switches are tops and bottoms too.  If you see a scary top suddenly on his/her knees, don't make a visible fuss.

Nice point

wonders what the fuss would look like???....mass hysteria in the dungeon?


also some one once asked me about negotiating....what to say/how to approach
i go with the idea that its always a good start if you can have a decent conversation

[woteverBF]

I do agree that most good Dommes have a sadistic streak , however I do not agree on the destructiveness part, and think this a dangerous road to persue. There seem to be many positive motivations missing from this list, such as: love and passion, sexual attraction and arousal and also affiliation - I think bdsm play gives you a deeply unique connection to your play partner.

Dear Mistress Vamp ... these are only extracts and by no means definitive ... there is sooooo much MORE that can be said here .... the links to said reference has so much more it explains but isn't work safe (pictures and stuff).

So haven't added link here.

KC 

[woteverBF]

Switches are tops and bottoms too.  If you see a scary top suddenly on his/her knees, don't make a visible fuss.

YUP indeed ... I like the "visible fuss" thing  ... I wouldn't switch in front of any subby I am playing with  .. if ever I did choose to switch that is. 

[fetishkitty]

I've switched in front of people I've topped...usually it's fine.  If someone doesn't like it I suggest they don't watch!

kitty