Author Topic: FAQ about making babies...  (Read 50353 times)

Offline Evelet

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Re:FAQ about making babies...
« Reply #30 on: Nov 04, 2005, 10:41:00 AM »
do you mean for STIs? because you could just go with him to your local GUM clinic. Is your donor local to you?

Offline sassykat

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Re:FAQ about making babies...
« Reply #31 on: Nov 04, 2005, 04:43:28 PM »
do you mean for STIs? because you could just go with him to your local GUM clinic. Is your donor local to you?

Yes for STI''s/HIV how long do you check and for how long before you know all is safe to proceed? My donor is not local to me.... will this be an issue?


thanks.
"If You have no confidence in self, You are twice defeated in the race of life. With confidence, you have won, even before you have started"

Marcus Mosiah Garvey (1887-1940).

dragonfly

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Re:FAQ about making babies...
« Reply #32 on: Nov 04, 2005, 05:12:49 PM »
Hi ladies very interesting site.

Does anyone have any sound advice in terms of once you have found your sperm donor, how do you go through the process of checking the sperm or rather how to do you get the person to have himself checked out and for how long should this process take to ensure everything is Kosher... Has anyone had this experience?

My chap had gotten himself tested for STIs before he started looking for the mother of his children.  He had also had the "motility" of his sperm tested to make sur eit was viable.

We talked long and hard about the safety issues.

I was looking for more than a jarful of sperm. I wanted a coparent and establishing trust was really important in this process.

How did I know that he would stay safe (I took the risk regarding infection).  

How did he know I would keep my word and "allow" him to be a parent (he took the emotional risk)?

When you are consciously creating another human being you need to communicate.  How does anyone know anything?  How do you know when you can trust?  How do the str8s do this kind of thing?

I could have asked my donor/dad to have a second HIV test.  He was willing to have me accompany him to the clinic for the appointments to do this.  I decided I didn't need to do it.

You may think I took unnecessary risks, but I was quite sure fairly quickly that this was an honourable man with whom I was willing to make babies.  I tend to get in to the biggest trouble when I don't follow my instinct/intuition.

We found each other via the mixed personals in Pink paper.  We wrote, we phoned and then we met up.  We decided that we wanted to get to know each other better and after about 2 months agreed to suspend any negotiations we were having with other people for the next 6 months.  I started trying to get pregnant in July 1995, although we agred that cycle 1 didn't count, that would be a practice run ::) ;)

My expectation on him during the getting to know you process was that he didn't drink to excess, ate well and ingested lots of zinc to make sperm with.  I also expected him to practice safer sex for the duration.  I made a similar undertaking for my part in the process - you both have to be equally committed.

As far as location went, I was in Darkest Bucks, he was in London - about an hour on a train and then some local travel at each end.  I had no way at all of knowing if he was keeping his end of the bargain.  Pure trust.

This trust is really imprtant in making babies, you are creating another human life and have major responsibilities.  If you don't trust the person you are doing it with, then don't do it.  Only you know when you know you trust someone.

Offline sassykat

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Re:FAQ about making babies...
« Reply #33 on: Nov 05, 2005, 10:51:20 PM »
Hi ladies very interesting site.

Does anyone have any sound advice in terms of once you have found your sperm donor, how do you go through the process of checking the sperm or rather how to do you get the person to have himself checked out and for how long should this process take to ensure everything is Kosher... Has anyone had this experience?

My chap had gotten himself tested for STIs before he started looking for the mother of his children.  He had also had the "motility" of his sperm tested to make sur eit was viable.

We talked long and hard about the safety issues.

I was looking for more than a jarful of sperm. I wanted a coparent and establishing trust was really important in this process.

How did I know that he would stay safe (I took the risk regarding infection).  

How did he know I would keep my word and "allow" him to be a parent (he took the emotional risk)?

When you are consciously creating another human being you need to communicate.  How does anyone know anything?  How do you know when you can trust?  How do the str8s do this kind of thing?

I could have asked my donor/dad to have a second HIV test.  He was willing to have me accompany him to the clinic for the appointments to do this.  I decided I didn't need to do it.

You may think I took unnecessary risks, but I was quite sure fairly quickly that this was an honourable man with whom I was willing to make babies.  I tend to get in to the biggest trouble when I don't follow my instinct/intuition.

We found each other via the mixed personals in Pink paper.  We wrote, we phoned and then we met up.  We decided that we wanted to get to know each other better and after about 2 months agreed to suspend any negotiations we were having with other people for the next 6 months.  I started trying to get pregnant in July 1995, although we agred that cycle 1 didn't count, that would be a practice run ::) ;)

My expectation on him during the getting to know you process was that he didn't drink to excess, ate well and ingested lots of zinc to make sperm with.  I also expected him to practice safer sex for the duration.  I made a similar undertaking for my part in the process - you both have to be equally committed.

As far as location went, I was in Darkest Bucks, he was in London - about an hour on a train and then some local travel at each end.  I had no way at all of knowing if he was keeping his end of the bargain.  Pure trust.

This trust is really imprtant in making babies, you are creating another human life and have major responsibilities.  If you don't trust the person you are doing it with, then don't do it.  Only you know when you know you trust someone.

Thanks for this, this really helped answer a lot of my questions.... If i may ask, did you come to any legal arrangements in regards to your child/ren.. or was that also based on trust?
"If You have no confidence in self, You are twice defeated in the race of life. With confidence, you have won, even before you have started"

Marcus Mosiah Garvey (1887-1940).

dragonfly

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Re:FAQ about making babies...
« Reply #34 on: Nov 05, 2005, 11:19:40 PM »
Quote
Thanks for this, this really helped answer a lot of my questions.... If i may ask, did you come to any legal arrangements in regards to your child/ren.. or was that also based on trust?


I talked to a fairly well known lesbian solicitor before I went to the Court to sort out the paperwork that recognised my sons father had Parental Responsibility, she clarified what, exactly, this meant.

If I had not done this he could and would have taken me to Court to get Parental Responsibility.  

We also talked about this before we decided to make babies.  Until the baby is born the person with all the rights is the mother.  Then, under the Children Act, the rights belong to the child.  Parents have responsibilities - hence the term Parental Responsibility.

We had various things we had written to each other that were not legal documents but clearly showed our intention.

For both of us the Parental Responsibility was more about making sure that we were both recognised equally as parents - even tho his name is on our sons birth certificates.  That fact alone does not give a father Parental Responsibility.  

The only reason his name is on the stillbirth and birth certificates issues to our sons is because he registered the births with me.  Unmarried fathers have had very few rights unless they are explicity given by the mother.  This whole process was a much bigger risk for him than for me.

I have always made it very clear that my chap has full Parental Responsibility - this means that he can authorise medical treatment and do all the legal things that married fathers can do.

But the early stages of this process require trust and lots of communication.  If I said that we had never had any problems I would be lying.  We have had some serious stonkers in our 10 years as parental units.  But what we don't have is the bruised egos that go with a breakdown in a heterosexual relationship and that make things so much more complicated in that situation.  

There are other issues related to Residence, I don't know if you are also asking about that.

dragonfly

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Re:FAQ about making babies...
« Reply #35 on: Nov 09, 2005, 02:07:18 AM »
I was talking about this issue with him on Sunday evening.  He agreed with everyhting \I have said in my previous 2 posts about this.  

He also said that he thought the law had changed since we made babies.  Having the fathers name on the birth certificate now denotes that a man has parental responsibility.  Does anyone know if this is true?

Offline sassykat

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Re:FAQ about making babies...
« Reply #36 on: Nov 13, 2005, 04:56:12 PM »
I was talking about this issue with him on Sunday evening.  He agreed with everyhting \I have said in my previous 2 posts about this.  

He also said that he thought the law had changed since we made babies.  Having the fathers name on the birth certificate now denotes that a man has parental responsibility.  Does anyone know if this is true?

Yes it is true, also with the new Adoption Act 2002 even if the father's name does not appear on BC he can still claim parental responsibility, this is where DNA  comes into play.

Thanks for this info.. it would appear both of you made a conscious decision to have parental responsibility... What if you don't want the father to have PR? and he says he dosen't? but later on could change his mind? also can you take the child out of the country to settle in another?
« Last Edit: Nov 13, 2005, 04:57:41 PM by sassykat »
"If You have no confidence in self, You are twice defeated in the race of life. With confidence, you have won, even before you have started"

Marcus Mosiah Garvey (1887-1940).

dragonfly

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Re:FAQ about making babies...
« Reply #37 on: Nov 14, 2005, 10:21:21 PM »
I was talking about this issue with him on Sunday evening.  He agreed with everyhting \I have said in my previous 2 posts about this.  

He also said that he thought the law had changed since we made babies.  Having the fathers name on the birth certificate now denotes that a man has parental responsibility.  Does anyone know if this is true?

Yes it is true, also with the new Adoption Act 2002 even if the father's name does not appear on BC he can still claim parental responsibility, this is where DNA  comes into play.

Thanks for this info.. it would appear both of you made a conscious decision to have parental responsibility... What if you don't want the father to have PR? and he says he dosen't? but later on could change his mind? also can you take the child out of the country to settle in another?

We did make a very conscious decision to have joint responsibilities, and this was a leap of faith for him to start with because although he could (and would) have taken me to court he didn't know if I wpould keep my part of the bargain we made.

Our situation has changed and evolved with our children, and as our own situatin has changed.  Now is is pretty much 50/50, although if our son is ill it is usually me who ends up taking time off work and because I live closer to my job I take our son to school 98% of the time.

If you don't want the father to have PR, then you need a more anonymous route.  He can get it by going to court, but that does not give him the right to interfere in day to day activities, but I think it could interfere with any plans I have to move abroad, for example.

I think the thing you need to remember is that children have rights, their parents have responsibilities.  If parents can't agree you have the Courts to fall back on, but that is far from ideal.

Offline Ruth

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Re:FAQ about making babies...
« Reply #38 on: Nov 15, 2005, 11:38:59 AM »
There's no legal way to stop the father having Parental Responsibility, unless he doesn't know that he is a father (using the anonymous route that dragionfly suggests), or unless some else (your partner?) adopts the child. There can only ever be two legal parents, so if you and your partner (or someone else) are the legal parents, the father will no longer have Parental Responsibility.

Anyone with Parental Responsibility is allowed to take the child out of the country for a limited amount of time (I think it's one month) without informing or gaining the consent of anyobe else. In terms of moving out of the country, I think it very much depends on the individual circumstances. He could of course seek a court orde to stop you moving, but judgements about that look at what is best for the child, and will take into account the relationships a child has here, the quality of life a child has here and could have in another country, and so forth.

Offline Sherpa

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Re:FAQ about making babies...
« Reply #39 on: Nov 15, 2005, 01:41:20 PM »
That's very interesting for those of us who are looking for a sort of uncle role for a father, but who are worried that the man, no matter how honourable his intentions when agreeing to this at the beginning, might change his mind as he develops a relationship with the child. If he agrees at the outset that the non-birth mother will adopt the child as soon as possible, once this has happened he can never then claim any responsibility for the child (and determine where it should live, for example) at a later date?

Offline Ruth

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Re:FAQ about making babies...
« Reply #40 on: Nov 16, 2005, 01:23:21 PM »
Nope, once the adoption has gone through he has no further rights or responsibilities. Of course, he can object to the adoption, regardless of what he has said he will do, and without his agreement it can't go ahead.

Offline Sherpa

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Re:FAQ about making babies...
« Reply #41 on: Nov 16, 2005, 02:55:58 PM »
Of course, but I'm guessing that if he agrees to it before the birth, he'd be unlikely to object to it immediately afterwards unless he had been acting in bad faith and had never intended to go through with it.

I must say I do find this very reassuring, though maybe I'm being optimistic!

dragonfly

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Re:FAQ about making babies...
« Reply #42 on: Nov 22, 2005, 12:55:48 AM »
Of course, but I'm guessing that if he agrees to it before the birth, he'd be unlikely to object to it immediately afterwards unless he had been acting in bad faith and had never intended to go through with it.

I must say I do find this very reassuring, though maybe I'm being optimistic!

I think you are worrying unnecessarily and looking for problems where there may be none, especially at this stage of the process.

The real leap of faith is with the biological father.  As the birth mother you hold all the cards, especially if you are breastfeeding.

I would be more worried about a father who did not change as his relationship with his child developed.

Right now you need to be really clear about what you are looking for and to establish how, exactly, you will know when you have it.  How do you know you can trust someone?  And how does someone else know they can trust you?

Offline Evelet

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Re:FAQ about making babies...
« Reply #43 on: Nov 23, 2005, 03:29:37 PM »
you might be interested to know that several people can have PR at once. So theoretically you (as biological mum) would automatically have it, your girlfriend could apply for it and the donor/father could have it.

Offline Sherpa

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Re:FAQ about making babies...
« Reply #44 on: Nov 26, 2005, 02:50:38 PM »
I think you are worrying unnecessarily and looking for problems where there may be none, especially at this stage of the process.

The real leap of faith is with the biological father.  As the birth mother you hold all the cards, especially if you are breastfeeding.

I would be more worried about a father who did not change as his relationship with his child developed.

Right now you need to be really clear about what you are looking for and to establish how, exactly, you will know when you have it.  How do you know you can trust someone?  And how does someone else know they can trust you?

Well that's true, of course. I feel very strongly that the child if possible has a right to have a relationship with their biological father, and I would do everything to support and facilitate that, but I hadn't given much thought as to how I would develop their trust in that.

On the other hand, I am clear that I want a donor who will have a relationship with the child, but not a co-parent in terms of deciding for example where or how we live. Of course in a way I feel that I want to have my cake and eat it, and maybe I'm being unrealistic.

I don't think it's an unnecessary worry, though. Both my partner and I, and for that matter, our parents, had parents whose relationships were at times bitter, and it's something that I want to avoid at all costs. I think that being clear about the extent and the boundaries of what we want, and what the donor might expect, is really important, even though I am sure that we will all three need to be flexible too.