Author Topic: So confused!  (Read 325 times)

Offline Hcs2275

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So confused!
« on: Feb 07, 2018, 12:51:06 PM »
I apologise now for the long post!
Just a bit of background about me: previously in a very loving, supportive relationship with a woman for 12 years. Have 3 kids. Still good friends and great parents! Recently out of a 3 year, toxic relationship which opened up my eyes to BDSM and the Ďdarkerí side of my sexuality. I say toxic, as it was a complete head f#$k and has left me feeling slightly damaged and very confused!
One part of that confusion is in relation to my sexual desires. The relationship started on a purely sexual basis, something which Iíd never done before. We got chatting at an LGBT group and she was feminine and sexy and flirtatious and as we chatted online, it awoke the sexual side of me that had been dead for so long after having 3 kids and a very painful separation.
So to cut a long story short, we ended up meeting up twice a month when neither of us had our kids, and we got into more and more bdsm stuff, fine tuning our desires, to the point where the cerebral connection just blew my mind. But then I guess thatís what this is all about. I knew every inch of her body and mind. She would submit to me with just a look, or a touch of my hand, or a few words. It was so empowering and erotic. The fantasies in my head just grew and grew. And she loved them! Rape (my favourite), DP, verbal humiliation, spanking/hitting, knife play, strangulation, blood play. We gave up on the bondage very early on. Both realising we preferred her submission through just my words or presence, or the physical strength of my body on hers.
So whatís wrong with all this? Nothing, except for the toxicity that surrounded all of this sexual behaviour! Everything about our relationship was sexualised. I felt sexualised. As a mother of 3, a nurse, a sister, a friend, and just as a human being with faults and a bit of baggage, there are so many sides to me.
I tried so hard to bring together the rest of our lives. Our friends, my family (hers had disowned her when they found out about me as she was married before), our kids, finances, trust etc. Just the day to day of mundane life. We became very codependent, and I now know, I confused infatuation for love. We couldnít parent together, there was no support in so many other areas, and so many mind games, insecurities, and generally a lot of toxic crap.
Iím not innocent in all of this. I have my own issues Iím dealing with in counselling in regards to my previous separation etc. but I have never felt so confused and somewhat damaged as I do after this relationship.
My partner had many issues. Given up by her mother at birth, a rejection she has never got over. Then brought up by 2 alcoholic, narcissistic, emotionally/physically abusive, homophobic, and ultra religious parents. And if thatís not enough to screw you up, she was raped by a boyfriend at 17 and then went on a rampage of promiscuity before meeting her husband. He was ten years older and I think looked after her in the way she needed. But he also bored the pants off her and she had many affairs with men and women. When I met her, she was separated from her husband but still in the same house with him and their son, was coming out to herself and slowly to others, and had just been in a 2 year Ďrelationshipí with a married woman and this womanís husband!
I made the mistake of trying to Ďfixí her. I wanted to be the one who loved her enough to make her see that all the drama and chaos that surrounded her wasnít normal. That normal was good and ok. But I donít think she knew what to do with normal, and would create chaos and turmoil if it wasnít there. It was like she waited for it, so she would make it so she could then relax for a while. And she used her sexuality all the time as I think thatís all she felt she had. Sheíd been taught that very early on. And in turn, sexualised me. She couldnít make decisions, attracted so many toxic people into her life, was constantly chasing approval of her parents, generally felt out of control of herself and her life, and needed a routine and structure that you just canít have in a home with 4 children.
So Iím asking for help from you guys because Iím now left with another separation to recover from, but with the added Ďbonusí of wondering who I am and where I go from here. Sometimes I look back at our 3 years together and I feel manipulated and abused by her, and other times I feel like Iím the abuser, and donít know who this horrible, aggressive person was who appeared when I was with her. I guess thatís the nature of toxic relationships. And how can all that be happening alongside this amazing sexual awakening that I now find myself craving like Iím detoxing off a drug high!
I donít think anyone can understand that connection, that high, that intensity of feeling that you get with BDSM behaviour unless youíve been there. But do I still want it? Is that who I am? Or was it just with her? Iíve been on a few sites but I know I could never just meet up with someone. That want just isnít there. Right now, as a lesbian, a Mum, and as a rather confused and broken hearted woman, I feel very alone and isolated, and Iím just reaching out for a bit of friendship and support.
Thanks for reading, and once again, sorry itís so long!

Offline pure evil

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Re: So confused!
« Reply #1 on: Feb 07, 2018, 04:24:56 PM »
Ok, first things - trying not to judge but to straightforwardly point out - that there is a lot of personal info in your post about someone else, and it's possible that person could be identifiable. (I have no idea who you or they are btw).

Apart from this, big comisserations on the ending of what sounds like an incredibly intense relationship. When I think back to my first big BDSM relationship, as well as huge passionate highs, it also gave so many opportunities to make a mess, to confuse boundaries and to get entangled in each others historic crap.
Live and learn. Try to take responsibility for what is yours in the pile up, and work on it.

I don't think this is necessarily true of BDSM as such, the 'roller coaster' you describe sounds typical of toxic/enmeshed dynamics where the extreme highs and lows of the ride get confused with passion and often described as 'love'. When a D/s power exchange gets added to that, it can be a very confusing mix up between what is real life, what is 'play', and the potential to get into ever muddier waters about 'who is calling the shots' x from what side of the dynamic, (aka the cluster fuck of co-dependancy) can get complicated to say the least.

One of the best descriptions of a relationship limit that I've heard recently (regardless of Kink) is not being prepared to deal with some ones unmediated 'child' or expecting that they should have to put up with that from you, that we each have to bring our own responsible adult into the equation.

Over time I've learned new and interesting ways to fuck up relationships. I'd like to say I'm no longer attracted to certain types = but that's not true, more that they are less easy to recognise up front, and my ability to look out for myself IS better. Being part of various sexual, kink, recovery and therapuetic communities has helped me to tease out the strands over time and to become *less* chaotic. Good Luck!

Offline Hcs2275

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Re: So confused!
« Reply #2 on: Feb 08, 2018, 11:53:03 PM »
Thanks for reply Pure Evil. Really appreciate it.
Sorry about all the detail. I hear you! I guess I just didnít think as I was off loading. Emotions are running very high at the moment!
I love your description about not bringing your Ďchildí into relationships. I think that was our problem. Both had so much unresolved baggage and didnít have the emotional maturity to deal with everything between us, and looked to each other to be Ďsavedí.
I guess my confusion for what I want in the future, is rather academic right now. I need to heal me otherwise Iím just going to fall into all the same patterns of behaviour again. Iím so very very sad right now. Iím in the Ďrose tinted glassesí phase, and missing her is so very painful. And yet I also feel numb, and keep everyone at arms length at the moment. Thankfully I have wonderful friends and family, and actually opened up to my big sis about all this today and she was great.
I guess all the kink intensity of our relationship is unfortunately adding a different dimension to my feelings of loss right now. But with or without that, it would still hurt. Itís very hard to lose someone who knows and understands more about you than anyone else does.
So onwards and upwards with the counselling and hopefully Iíll come out of this a much happier and healthy person. Thanks again

Offline pure evil

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Re: So confused!
« Reply #3 on: Feb 10, 2018, 11:11:57 AM »
'Sorry about all the detail.' << I meant more for the other people involved.

Anyhow, you are welome and I think choosing to do self work is admirable, working on the stuff you can change.

Offline millicent

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Re: So confused!
« Reply #4 on: Feb 12, 2018, 06:08:21 PM »
Tangent re. self-work - there is a good Ted talk on managing ones emotions.
One of the things that resonated with me was 'sometimes you are the one responsible not because you are to blame but because you are the only person who has the power to do something about it.'
'Majestcally awkward'