Author Topic: Femme... but butch... but tomboy... but femme!?  (Read 1986 times)

Offline Elina

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Femme... but butch... but tomboy... but femme!?
« on: Oct 05, 2016, 11:07:47 PM »

I was thinking the other day that it's a shame I don't know anyone who feels like me, it would have been fun to have someone to compare with... Then I remembered Gingerbeer! :)

I am bi, and have been fairly girly all my life. I'm now in my mid-thirties, and the older I get, the more comfortable I get with allowing my masculine sides to show. I used to avoid any body language/looks that were too "manly", since I, like all women, I assume, had been thought they were unattractive.

Lately I am embracing my more masculine sides, though. I have cut my hair short. I allow myself to stand and walk in more "butch" ways (not necessarily crossing my legs when sitting down, or just stand with my hands in my pockets and my legs apart, for example! These are probably silly things, but I have been aware of them all my life and worked hard on a "female" body language, so it is a big thing to me!). I tried a drag king makeover and LOVED it, and would now love to try packing or letting my facial hair grow (as a dark-haired woman I think I could work up a respectable moustache if I just stopped plucking it!).

I guess I just wanted to hear if anyone else feels like this... I try to invite my friends along to the FMAS at the RVT, or Drag King contests, but none of them are really into it!

Also, looking in the mirror these days, since I stopped wearing make up, dresses and long hair, I sometimes wish I didn't have to do this change. I just looked... prettier in make up and dresses. I didn't really look like myself - I feel a lot more like myself these days - but I looked better. Hm. If that makes sense.

Anyway, if anyone feels similar, I'd love to discuss!


Offline Vickilipstick

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Re: Femme... but butch... but tomboy... but femme!?
« Reply #1 on: Mar 06, 2017, 01:29:42 PM »
Totally not related to what you have written really, but i have some trannie friends, who wax and hide their hair and 'maleness' like mad. It really is a strange world at times isnt it!

Personally im quite a masculine woman (behaviour and interests) but im still very feminine. Always make up etc. I have found though since i have started approaching the menopause, that my 'masculine' ways have dropped somewhat. My testosterone levels are very very low now, so im wondering if that is what has done it. 

Offline SomeMoreTea

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Re: Femme... but butch... but tomboy... but femme!?
« Reply #2 on: Mar 09, 2017, 10:50:53 AM »
Hi Elina, saw your post when you wrote and thought of replying but somehow left it.

I'm a bit similar to you, just the polar opposite. I was very bloke, butch if you want, in behaviour, style, clothes, choice of work, everything. Until I hit about 35 and swung over to the feminine side! Mind you, I was feminine in my teens, too, and a tomboy as a child.

What to read into it? Not sure if it's all that important, I'm quite happy being what and how I am. The recognition of this gender role shift happening has given me a lot of freedom. Now I do the shift overnight (or at lunch) if I feel like it and that's that, don't feel the need to conform to either.

But you're right I haven't come across a conversation about a 'switch-identity', so glad to see your post.

Vickilipstick is it that you are thinking that it is strange that we cannot be happy out in the open how we are but need to hide it and pretend we are something else?


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Re: Femme... but butch... but tomboy... but femme!?
« Reply #3 on: Mar 20, 2017, 09:14:15 PM »
The only thing that concerned me a bit with the original post was the part at the end where you're saying you wish you didn't have to do this change. I was just wondering why you felt you had to do it - but if you feel a lot more like yourself that sounds truly good.

I kind of relate to the shifting in terms of appearance not gender, and I think that's part of why I don't ID as femme, butch, or any other descriptor and never really have - although, as other people have said, there's a lot more to it than outward appearance, I do feel it's a part of it.

For me it's more to do with wearing what I feel comfortable in, in that given day/moment.

Offline Xof the Elder

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Re: Femme... but butch... but tomboy... but femme!?
« Reply #4 on: Apr 09, 2017, 10:05:33 PM »
I didn't understand a word of that.

But what I can say is, don't change the way you walk unless something rubs and hurts. No one is looking at you and thinking about how you look or walk. We're all thinking about how we look and walk, except me, I'm looking at you but everyone else is very wrapped up in how they look and walk.

Take all your clothes off, roll down a hill and then see how you feel.
Quizas, quizas, quizas....

Offline Suzi

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Re: Femme... but butch... but tomboy... but femme!?
« Reply #5 on: Apr 10, 2017, 04:42:45 PM »
I used to be a little obsessed with labelling myself, but looking back, I think that was just because nobody believed I was a lesbian, so I would describe myself as femme, to kind of justify and explain my sexuality to people who didn't really understand. I actually really don't like doing that anymore. I'm a feminine woman, not a feminine lesbian. I mean, technically I'm both, yes, but there are not x amounts of categories to describe what type of lesbian you are. Not really. It goes so much deeper than what clothes you wear, if your hair is long or short etc.

Putting categorisation aside, I realised recently that I always assumed I felt sexiest when I was extra feminine \femme, whatever you want to call it, but as I get older and more comfortable with myself and my sexuality, I realise that that's actually not the case. I'm not masculine really at all, but I definitely feel I have much more of a tomboy edge than before, which I'd possibly suppressed for so long without even realising.

Offline Elina

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Re: Femme... but butch... but tomboy... but femme!?
« Reply #6 on: Feb 12, 2018, 10:47:36 PM »
Wow, thanks guys! It seems like I posted this over a year ago and then just never came to Gingerbeer again!! Sorry.

I think a lot of it is social conditioning. These days I never wear make-up or skirts or anything, but I still sometimes wish I did as I just looked prettier. I'll see a dress in a store and thing "what a beautiful dress! Shame I don't wear dresses anymore!". A bit like I assume a male designer of women's clothing would, perhaps!

But, also, this: Yes, a lot of who we are is social conditioning and not the "real" us. But then, what is the "real" us, anyway? Everyone is a mixture of nature and nurture. These days I try to be kinder to myself and just go with the flow, and not analyse so much WHY I behave or dress a certain way. :)