Author Topic: Why are some straight women uncomfortable with lesbians?  (Read 1133 times)

Offline Artist

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Why are some straight women uncomfortable with lesbians?
« on: Jun 30, 2017, 12:11:55 AM »
Why are some straight women uncomfortable with lesbians? Do they think lesbians are attracted to every woman they meet? Is it because some straight women measure their value with being with men or look for validation from men so they feel uncomfortable with women who don't need that? What are your views on this?
“Expectations are resentments under construction.”
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Offline hellohowareyoutoday

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Re: Why are some straight women uncomfortable with lesbians?
« Reply #1 on: Jun 30, 2017, 12:25:14 AM »
No

Offline Betty Croker's frosted buns

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Re: Why are some straight women uncomfortable with lesbians?
« Reply #2 on: Jun 30, 2017, 12:54:57 AM »
Just literally finished work so this is light relief for me.

Obviously not all straight women are the same and not all lesbians are the same so they will not all respond in the same way or for the same reasons.

But generally, everybody you meet can hold up a mirror to your face and you may or may not feel at ease with what you see in it. Lesbians, without even doing anything, just by existing, can have the effect of making straight women ask themselves questions and challenge them in ways that non-lesbians won't necessarily do. Not necessarily just on issues of sexuality or intimacy with other women but about all sorts of other social conventions too.


Offline Chewwy

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Re: Why are some straight women uncomfortable with lesbians?
« Reply #3 on: Jun 30, 2017, 01:47:17 AM »
Just literally finished work so this is light relief for me.

Obviously not all straight women are the same and not all lesbians are the same so they will not all respond in the same way or for the same reasons.

But generally, everybody you meet can hold up a mirror to your face and you may or may not feel at ease with what you see in it. Lesbians, without even doing anything, just by existing, can have the effect of making straight women ask themselves questions and challenge them in ways that non-lesbians won't necessarily do. Not necessarily just on issues of sexuality or intimacy with other women but about all sorts of other social conventions too.

That.  And what you said Artist - especially this bit...  'Do they think lesbians are attracted to every woman they meet?'

I've had friends who totally know my sexuality, and are close, but they have to initiate the hugs.  If I do, they're a bit odd about it.  It's only happened a few times  but sticks in my brain.  Same friends, have had me stay with them for weeks and weeks on end, which makes me feel like a 'trophy' friend.  It makes me worry for them, not me.
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Offline plaiting fog

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Re: Why are some straight women uncomfortable with lesbians?
« Reply #4 on: Jun 30, 2017, 06:16:13 PM »
I think this is a great thread topic and I'm really interested in seeing what comes up in it.

Artist, I think you are onto something re the validation thing; that's got to run quite deep, I reckon. Imagine growing up leaning into male energy in order to pull little validations towards you; romance, love, protection; tyre changing, promotion, special treatment, gene pools etc etc etc. I guess that how that validation process went with all those males (through the years) would shape, measure and define your sense of self without realising it. All those concessions and appeasements; all those adjustments. And the skills learned in validating men in return. Then there is the unspoken hierarchy between straight women; the unspoken rating of their attractiveness to men that brings competition and pecking order among women (in career, life, love).

Lesbians haven't practised those same skills with other women as most other women are straight. So maybe we just don't do that; don't pull for validation in those ways. We must seem like lone wolves to straight women; no interest in their interpersonal currencies. Free.

I agree this can make them uncomfortable. It can also make them admiring; a bit in awe. We are different, yes. And even before they know we're lesbians I reckon they'll have picked up on that lone wolf thing and be wondering why we feel so different.

Artist (or anyone), I'd be interested to know what you mean by uncomfortable. I bet there are loads of different types of straight woman discomfort...

Bit rushed this as I have to be somewhere but wanted to participate .


Offline Stevie

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Re: Why are some straight women uncomfortable with lesbians?
« Reply #5 on: Jul 07, 2017, 07:15:01 PM »
I've never found this I've found so many that are curious about me being Butch and wanting to get involved in some way with me but never uncomfortable.
Maybe Stevie already is everybody's ex?

Offline Grey

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Re: Why are some straight women uncomfortable with lesbians?
« Reply #6 on: Jul 08, 2017, 08:23:50 PM »
^That mostly
But sometimes they're awkward about it which makes me feel hyper aware of how I'm interacting

I do like being treated like a bloke(not a blokey kind of bloke though)---to a point-- and watching them try out this new dynamic in their life

waves at Stevie  :D

Offline Stevie

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Re: Why are some straight women uncomfortable with lesbians?
« Reply #7 on: Jul 09, 2017, 01:30:37 AM »
Waves back 😁
Maybe Stevie already is everybody's ex?

Offline Artist

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Re: Why are some straight women uncomfortable with lesbians?
« Reply #8 on: Jul 13, 2017, 03:44:27 PM »


Artist (or anyone), I'd be interested to know what you mean by uncomfortable. I bet there are loads of different types of straight woman discomfort...

I agree with your good points about validation. It does run deep.
From my experience here are few examples -  some of them don't want to get closer to you as a friend, there is a barrier, also with greeting, what chewwy said. Also some of them said they don't like lesbians because they are 'too strong feminists' or they don't like men...
Someone told me that a lesbian told her she was cute and wanted to find out if she was interested - and her comment about that was that she can't imagine being with a woman, that it's so disgusting. This example is still after many years, interesting to me. It's like homosexuality is something she is not doing, she is doing the right thing being within social norms she grew up with. Everyone else, different than her is worse than her. I would say homophobia in this case, pure ignorance.
Then there are women that would say they don't look at people through their orientation but they are still distanced. Homophobic types are not really interesting to me because they are obvious - that is what they are, but these well intentioned women being a bit wary are something to look at. In my experience reason for it is that they are never sure will you have a crush on them or they are checking you out if they will be attractive to you so that is a bit of pleasure for their ego.
“Expectations are resentments under construction.”
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Offline Trifle

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Re: Why are some straight women uncomfortable with lesbians?
« Reply #9 on: Aug 24, 2017, 04:15:10 PM »
Interesting topic. I think it works both ways and some lesbians feel uncomfortable with straight women as they feel they're being judged in some way.

Offline Grey

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Re: Why are some straight women uncomfortable with lesbians?
« Reply #10 on: Aug 24, 2017, 05:27:10 PM »
Yes-being held to the standards they understand-which is the straight world


Offline Xof the Elder

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Re: Why are some straight women uncomfortable with lesbians?
« Reply #11 on: Aug 25, 2017, 10:52:58 PM »
I encounter many straight women in my job, some are religiously or morally opposed to me (yawn), some are worried about being seen with me, some are just cool and regular and we go out happily to dinner or lunch, some flirt with me, some are annoyed that I don't fancy them as all men fancy them, some dislike me for other reasons than my sexuality and some others like me all the more for it. My girlfriend is a straight woman - up until we met I guess and she's very uncomfortable with me and long may it stay that way.
Quizas, quizas, quizas....

Offline scouser

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Re: Why are some straight women uncomfortable with lesbians?
« Reply #12 on: Aug 27, 2017, 02:11:10 PM »
I'm not completely out here, but I'm guessing a lot have figured it, as recently, especially since I'm had my white grey hair cut really short, (what I have left of it!) Many of the women have started to distance themselves from me, and the men have ceased showing as much interest, which is a blessing!
 So speaking from that perspective I can't really add much more.
However, in the past I have found it can be a positive thing, as many of the lovely younger girls I have found myself surrounded by are extremely affectionate and some very tactile, almost as though they are trying to see if they have any leanings, so my experiences up to now, have been rather nice, and every welcoming! ;)
One day I'll laugh about this!😑

Offline the ganze metsieh

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Re: Why are some straight women uncomfortable with lesbians?
« Reply #13 on: Aug 27, 2017, 02:56:01 PM »
I think straight women get uncomfortable when their real life lesbian friends don't conform to a version of being gay that they've got from media representations of gay men. It's like they want a female equivalent of fag hag, a way of safely distancing themselves while getting some liberal/alternative cred. Lesbians baking bread and trying to encourage green tomatoes to ripen can't provide that and if the first thing we say when gay bars are mentioned is that they've all bludy shut, then it's all too real and simply not an attractive identity.

Offline Lust for Life

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Re: Why are some straight women uncomfortable with lesbians?
« Reply #14 on: Aug 28, 2017, 08:17:41 AM »
Addng to what Betty Croker's Frosted Buns said about us holding up a mirror, I think some women are jealous of our decisions/actions. All those times they settled for or felt forced to do the conventional thing? Then they see that we have made choices regardless of social conventions. And worse still, we are not suffering for it!

At least, that's my theory, based on a single long term case study of a close family member ;)