Author Topic: Angry at ex  (Read 751 times)

Offline lisbeth

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Angry at ex
« on: May 13, 2017, 10:57:40 PM »
Me and my wife decided to separate in March. It was all on good terms, we just realised we don't want the same things and is moving in different directions. She was going to move out and we agreed the best would be to move out before she was going on a  planned holiday in the beginning of June. In the mean time we live together "as normal", apart from having a sexual relationship. After all we are separating amicably because we don't see a future together.

Then a week ago I found out she joined an online lesbian dating site in December 2016, met a woman in January, started chatting and she went off to meet her in another country (pretending/lying that she is just taking a short break to escape from work and breaking up stress) 2 weeks after we "broke up.

I am so angry , as even though we decided to broke up, we were still living together and haven't even physically moved out of this 10 year relationship.

She justifies it by saying we already broke up, so she did not cheat on me and does not feel she did anything wrong. However she did later on say the timing was wrong, as she should have waited until we have at least separated physically.

I  don't deal well with cheating and it is the one thing I feel VERY strong about and will never do. I know technically it was not cheating, but she just ruined my narrative of why we decided to broke up and brought a third person into the narrative.

Am I wrong to feel huge disappointment, anger and that I lost all trust in her???

We seperated amicably. But now all that I can think about is her and this new woman and it drives me crazy and I feel so hurt!

Offline Xof the Elder

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Re: Angry at ex
« Reply #1 on: May 13, 2017, 11:30:16 PM »
You're not wrong to be hurt or upset.

A similar thing happened to me in content, my most recent ex told me she needed to have a couple of days break and went away in the middle of the working week before we'd broken up to Germany. Who goes for a break to Germany?! That should have rung alarm bells right there. (And it did, but that relationship was already in the toilet anyway so I wasn't interested enough to work it out.)

Unfortunately, what we might think is respectful and appropriate is not always shared by our partners, especially partners in breakdown, everyone has different ways of coping and I can see from your post what seems to upset you most is this sullying of the memory of the relationship and the impact it has on your living situation. She ruined the narrative of why you broke up... that's so interesting that this is what you've taken away from this situation. I'd think on that right there as it may be the key to your healing. I found the aspect that annoyed me most, was just the lying, in our case there was no need to lie, we'd openly spoke about breaking up many times and I would come home, turn the key and pray she'd left, the cheating was a secondary thing solely for her - it helps her move from one person to the next - its an MO, im sure its not your exes MO, but some people do use finding another person to help repair self esteem (!) or make the transition easier - its not personal and I imagine she wasnt thinking about your break up narrative?

I used to cheat many moons ago when I was young and stupid but it's not worth what it does to your self image, I haven't done so in 10 years or so not for any partners sake, but because it just cheapens the self - if you're doing something you need to lie about, if you're not standing in your truth, you're causing pain internal and external and that's where some compassion & healing can come from for you - I say this, to hope it helps you in your pain, that as personal as it feels, its not. That a cheat feels many times worse, even if they don't know it, than the cheated upon and it comes out in all kinds of gross and diseased malfunctions of the body and the heart.

Most importantly, I'm sorry you're hurt, disappointed and angry.
Quizas, quizas, quizas....

Offline MzB

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Re: Angry at ex
« Reply #2 on: May 14, 2017, 12:23:46 AM »
Um, she first met this person in January and you agreed to separate in March? Why is that not cheating?

And she went through all the conversations about the separation while keeping you in the dark? Cowardly and dishonest are words which spring to mind.

Also, this:


some people do use finding another person to help repair self esteem (!) or make the transition easier

Anyone who brings a third person into a separation is avoiding dealing with it fully. On the plus side, this means that you will have dealt with the end of the relationship in a much healthier way than she has. Even if it's painful right now.

None of your feelings are wrong. Feel them, deal with them, and I hope you can move on.

Offline lisbeth

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Re: Angry at ex
« Reply #3 on: May 14, 2017, 12:46:15 AM »
Thank you X the Elder for you response, it's just good to hear other's opinions, to feel I'm not mad or the one who is totally wrong! Your words are really comforting and I know I'm not alone in these experiences.

Yes MzB, I know and agree that anyone who brings a third person into a separation is avoiding dealing with it fully. Just a shame they are not intelligent enough to to realise it and cause so much hurt!

Offline Xof the Elder

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Re: Angry at ex
« Reply #4 on: May 14, 2017, 12:48:24 AM »
Um, she first met this person in January and you agreed to separate in March? Why is that not cheating?

And she went through all the conversations about the separation while keeping you in the dark? Cowardly and dishonest are words which spring to mind.

Also, this:


some people do use finding another person to help repair self esteem (!) or make the transition easier

Anyone who brings a third person into a separation is avoiding dealing with it fully. On the plus side, this means that you will have dealt with the end of the relationship in a much healthier way than she has. Even if it's painful right now.

None of your feelings are wrong. Feel them, deal with them, and I hope you can move on.

On your quote of me - I agree! I'm not condoning it - I'm saying it's prevalent an indicator of emotional immaturity. People do all kinds of unhealthy things in ignorance of their impact.
Quizas, quizas, quizas....

Offline scouser

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Re: Angry at ex
« Reply #5 on: May 14, 2017, 12:56:06 AM »
Insecurity, plain and simple, she didn't have the strength of character to walk away and not have a safety net in place, there for she felt she couldn't be honest with you as it would show her for what she really was, week, insecure, afraid, and quite pathetic in my opinion, all people who do this sort of thing are.
Lucky escape if you ask me, she will probably do the same with this one further down the line, then try running back to you, don't fall for it, there's always better out there, you deserve happiness so look for it...with. someone else! I would, did, have.
Good luck with the future,  :)
One day I'll laugh about this!😑

Offline valerie

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Re: Angry at ex
« Reply #6 on: May 15, 2017, 05:14:00 PM »
all of the above.   great advice here.

I think there are many who have been thru this. The weal person who has to attempt  a search for a new relationship while she is in a relationship...replacementphilia--- cannot 1. be alone  2. reconcile 3. be honest.

Honestly, I believe karma will do her in. So sorry that you have to suffer,lisbeth. I so hope time flies and you are healed. x
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