Author Topic: Deal Breakers  (Read 707 times)

Offline Bewilderbeast

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Re: Deal Breakers
« Reply #15 on: Apr 10, 2017, 11:44:10 AM »
I think itís definitely good to have dealbreakers for yourself, in your head, but I think putting them out there as an opening gambit might run the risk of backfiring on you though. You seem like someone that has figured out what they want and have a pretty good idea of who they are and who wants someone who is in the same place, totally understandable! The problem is that the kind of people you are trying to avoid may not have the self-awareness understand your deal breakers and realise they apply to them, so you may still end up having to reject them anyway. I think bottom line is there is no avoiding the risk of being rejected or having to reject and I think dating is about taking that mutual risk. Iím not sure how much a list dealbreakers up front straight away, communicates a desire to take a mutual risk. To my mind maybe doing it the other way round, ie saying what you do want in positive terms, might do that better.

Iím a long married lady now but what appealed to me on a profile, back in the day, was a picture of happy open looking person (you are right that picture is important but not for the obvious reason!) and an obvious absence of things like gripes, moans or demands. I met my wife on a dating site but after a long absence from them after having got thoroughly pissed off with them. What worked this time was that I precisely stopped trying to minimise risk by pouring over profiles or selecting only those whose interests definitely matched up and engaging in lots of conversation before risking meeting. Egged on by a friend who seemed better at the dating lark than I was, I now had a policy of chatting back at least once to anyone who chatted to me and going on a date if asked, as long as, a) they were local, b) as far as I could tell sane, and c) they werenít in a relationship with a man who ďdidnít mindĒ. Those were my sole criteria, totally terrifying for someone like me who struggles with not being in control.

I was asked out by a very sporty sounding woman who, according to our profile info, seemed to have very little in common with me and after, I think, two messages we went on a date (which neither of us were sure was a date). It was then that we discovered how much we had in common in terms of our values and how we wanted to live and weíve been together for nearly 7 years. Iím not sure it would have helped if weíd have managed to put those things in our profiles somewhere (even if we had found a way to express them, itís not simple!) meeting would still always have been a risk. I think these deep core values are best expressed by talking to the person, being with them and seeing how they behave.

I think it comes down to being like the kind of person you want to attract. I canít guarantee that if you take a risk and be brave and youíll get the same back and no timewasters but itís the most effective way I can think of maximising the chances. Good luck!!!!!

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Re: Deal Breakers
« Reply #16 on: Apr 10, 2017, 07:50:42 PM »
Re OP: boundaries and filters are necessary and good, but you sound immature.

Offline Musette

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Re: Deal Breakers
« Reply #17 on: Apr 12, 2017, 08:16:23 PM »
I think one of the problems with internet dating is that it's so easy to rule out people that you might really get on with.
You can be very picky and fussy in your requirements and miss the chance to meet someone who turns out to be great. Tbh, I don't want someone just like me, I'd rather have someone with at least some differences. I could say that I wouldn't date a smoker, for example, but a number of the best people in my life (including partners) have been smokers and we work around it.

I can understand that after a while you can say to yourself that you don't want this or that, but eventually you'll end up with such a specific list of requirements that nobody will be able to meet them. And even if they did they'd probably turn out to have some other awful habit that you haven't even thought of...
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Offline Xof the Elder

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Re: Deal Breakers
« Reply #18 on: Apr 12, 2017, 10:24:05 PM »
Re OP: boundaries and filters are necessary and good, but you sound immature.

Do I? How could I be more mature?
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Offline Xof the Elder

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Re: Deal Breakers
« Reply #19 on: Apr 12, 2017, 10:32:27 PM »
I think itís definitely good to have dealbreakers for yourself, in your head, but I think putting them out there as an opening gambit might run the risk of backfiring on you though. You seem like someone that has figured out what they want and have a pretty good idea of who they are and who wants someone who is in the same place, totally understandable! The problem is that the kind of people you are trying to avoid may not have the self-awareness understand your deal breakers and realise they apply to them, so you may still end up having to reject them anyway. I think bottom line is there is no avoiding the risk of being rejected or having to reject and I think dating is about taking that mutual risk. Iím not sure how much a list dealbreakers up front straight away, communicates a desire to take a mutual risk. To my mind maybe doing it the other way round, ie saying what you do want in positive terms, might do that better.

Iím a long married lady now but what appealed to me on a profile, back in the day, was a picture of happy open looking person (you are right that picture is important but not for the obvious reason!) and an obvious absence of things like gripes, moans or demands. I met my wife on a dating site but after a long absence from them after having got thoroughly pissed off with them. What worked this time was that I precisely stopped trying to minimise risk by pouring over profiles or selecting only those whose interests definitely matched up and engaging in lots of conversation before risking meeting. Egged on by a friend who seemed better at the dating lark than I was, I now had a policy of chatting back at least once to anyone who chatted to me and going on a date if asked, as long as, a) they were local, b) as far as I could tell sane, and c) they werenít in a relationship with a man who ďdidnít mindĒ. Those were my sole criteria, totally terrifying for someone like me who struggles with not being in control.

I was asked out by a very sporty sounding woman who, according to our profile info, seemed to have very little in common with me and after, I think, two messages we went on a date (which neither of us were sure was a date). It was then that we discovered how much we had in common in terms of our values and how we wanted to live and weíve been together for nearly 7 years. Iím not sure it would have helped if weíd have managed to put those things in our profiles somewhere (even if we had found a way to express them, itís not simple!) meeting would still always have been a risk. I think these deep core values are best expressed by talking to the person, being with them and seeing how they behave.

I think it comes down to being like the kind of person you want to attract. I canít guarantee that if you take a risk and be brave and youíll get the same back and no timewasters but itís the most effective way I can think of maximising the chances. Good luck!!!!!

Thanks for this, a kind and considered response. There's a lot to think on here. I don't want to make the same mistakes over and over hence the list but the list is not working out well for me either! You've made me think! Thanks
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Offline Xof the Elder

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Re: Deal Breakers
« Reply #20 on: Apr 12, 2017, 10:41:38 PM »
I think one of the problems with internet dating is that it's so easy to rule out people that you might really get on with.
You can be very picky and fussy in your requirements and miss the chance to meet someone who turns out to be great. Tbh, I don't want someone just like me, I'd rather have someone with at least some differences. I could say that I wouldn't date a smoker, for example, but a number of the best people in my life (including partners) have been smokers and we work around it.

I can understand that after a while you can say to yourself that you don't want this or that, but eventually you'll end up with such a specific list of requirements that nobody will be able to meet them. And even if they did they'd probably turn out to have some other awful habit that you haven't even thought of...

No! I can't stand the idea of getting it wrong again and being blindsided by some other problem and having to learn a whole new language to deal with that issue too! In the end, I'll just get old and settle - or learn how to compromise - I met a guy today who has 5 dogs. 5 dog Xoffie. That's what they'll call me
Older, wiser, and still the best looking one on here

Offline millicent

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Re: Deal Breakers
« Reply #21 on: Apr 13, 2017, 07:37:25 AM »
I think my only firm deal breaker would be someone who feels fundamentally different about stuff that I feel strongly about.

(So no racists, Brexiters, fascists, Tories, axe murderers.)




'But I'm not missing a piece. There is no place where you would fit.' said the Big O.

Offline millicent

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Re: Deal Breakers
« Reply #22 on: Apr 13, 2017, 07:55:15 AM »
Actually, no. There's more.

People who don't get my sense of humour.
And people who aren't funny.
People who think that liking me gives them some sort of right over my life.
'But I'm not missing a piece. There is no place where you would fit.' said the Big O.

Offline pure evil

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Re: Deal Breakers
« Reply #23 on: Apr 13, 2017, 10:04:52 AM »
Interesting topic. I started to list a few things and then realised in one way or another I had ignored all of my deal breakers, so they needed some qualification.

Active addiction: I qualify this to mean drug or alcohol use to the point where this is negatively impacting on me.

Anger issues: I realise everyone has different communication styles, but 'intimidators' < people who do blasts of anger, aren't good for me.

Kink: (having it) Seriously - being compatible sexually is hugely important to me.

World view: as others have said 'no bigots', but I would add here some match of how we see the world. As much as I like to *think* I can appreciate all kinds of people - and I do have a broad friendship group - I've come to realise over time that subcultural matches ARE a key element.




berdache

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Re: Deal Breakers
« Reply #24 on: Apr 16, 2017, 06:17:17 PM »
I'd go along with all that Millicent wrote.

Increasingly, I find it's easy to inadvertently fall out with otherwise quite nice people because in saying you oppose, say, Brexit, they feel you are rejecting them as a person.

The worst of it is that I feel that maybe I actually am. I'm not sure I want to hang out with people who actually hate immigrants or cannot see that immigration and the EU are not meaningfully related. I say this while also holding in my head the fact that there are reasons to deeply dislike the EU.

Life these days is so complicated and fraught, and dating just adds another layer of careful negotiation into things, which is exhausting.

Offline Suzi

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Re: Deal Breakers
« Reply #25 on: Apr 16, 2017, 07:04:25 PM »
Deal breakers for me -

Selfishness
Laziness
Not getting or liking dry humour
Smoker
Problem drinker or teetotaller
Not a deep thinker
No interest or appreciation for music
Overly into appearance
Ex player (I'd never relax)
Overly aggressive. I like very passionate people, but there's a line.


Think that's all.


berdache

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Re: Deal Breakers
« Reply #26 on: Apr 16, 2017, 09:41:19 PM »
Yes, that all seems very sensible, Suzi.

Offline millicent

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Re: Deal Breakers
« Reply #27 on: Apr 17, 2017, 05:29:51 AM »
I'd go along with all that Millicent wrote.

Increasingly, I find it's easy to inadvertently fall out with otherwise quite nice people because in saying you oppose, say, Brexit, they feel you are rejecting them as a person.

The worst of it is that I feel that maybe I actually am. I'm not sure I want to hang out with people who actually hate immigrants or cannot see that immigration and the EU are not meaningfully related. I say this while also holding in my head the fact that there are reasons to deeply dislike the EU.

Life these days is so complicated and fraught, and dating just adds another layer of careful negotiation into things, which is exhausting.

Just after the US election one of my connections sent me this:
https://www.ted.com/talks/jonathan_haidt_can_a_divided_america_heal
'But I'm not missing a piece. There is no place where you would fit.' said the Big O.

berdache

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Re: Deal Breakers
« Reply #28 on: Apr 17, 2017, 06:23:31 AM »
I'll take a look at that at some point - thank you.  :)

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Re: Deal Breakers
« Reply #29 on: Apr 17, 2017, 10:51:18 PM »
All that Bewilderbeast wrote and also I would look for someone who is caring, patient, good listener, understanding.
It depends what kind of person you are so you look for it in others. If you are caring you like being with caring person.
Re deal breakers, alcohol, any such addiction, mean nature, judgemental, conformist, manipulator, angry/agressive, attention seeker are among them.
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