Author Topic: True Love: the ability to overlook what you can't stand about your partner!  (Read 765 times)

Offline Xof the Elder

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For all those 'unlucky' in love you may be interested to watch the Ted and Google talks from Helen Fisher! They're really interesting to those who have not been able to keep love going long term or have/had idealisation/addiction confused with love.

The conclusion on why we fall in love with the types we do and, most interesting to me, what causes some people to stay together while other don't was a revelation in its simplicity! Apparently people who are able to stay in love are most able to focus on their partners good traits and can create and hold onto that vision to the exclusion of any negative traits.

There's no real point to this thread other than thinking how funny it is that we think about love as this star-driven, predetermined, perfect mate hand delivered from the divine when really its lots of sex good and early to get the bonding cemented plus fairytale thinking to sustain it. It's totally self constructed - there's something fabulous about this that really means that no woman walking past you on the street is really that much different to another.
« Last Edit: Apr 09, 2017, 05:33:54 PM by Xof the Elder »
Quizas, quizas, quizas....

Offline LBQwomenchat

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This has been read over 500 times and noone has posted a reply?

I'd be curious to know what people think love is to them, and any interesting articles/videos they've seen?

I've started reading more into emotional intelligence and that's what springs to mind when I read this post... when I think about my own EI and how that might affect my relationships with other people, I can see how my actions make the relationship more difficult (more conflict, lack of empathy for my partner, taking feelings out on partner, etc.). Not really sure why I mention this but in terms of if you're unlucky in love or the luckiest person in the world, I think EI comes into it.

Thanks for mentioning Helen Fisher too I will have to check her out. :)

Sarah, Women's Programme at LGBT Foundation

Offline greyjedi

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Yeah I love that TED talk. The chemical changes in us when we 'fall in love' are drug like and very exciting. Once these feel good chemicals subside after the limerence phase of courtship the relationship comes back down to earth. I remember in my younger days thinking that the 'love high' was what a relationship should feel like all the time for it to qualify as true love. I have learnt over the years that deeper long lasting love feels very different a lot of the time. It's a subtler feeling of commitment to a person despite their flaws and the inevitable disappointments. There's a great speaker on this topic called Dr Lauren Costine. She recently wrote a book called 'The Urge to Merge' and it covers the intensity of same sex (female) coupling and the chemical crash after the hyper Oxytocin fuelled love fest!

Offline Musette

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This has been read over 500 times and noone has posted a reply?
Sarah, Women's Programme at LGBT Foundation

That sounds very critical. And, to be fair, Xof actually said there wasn't any point to the thread. No question was asked nor comments invited. Nobody is obliged to respond to any thread...

Fwiw I think for a relationship to last long-term it's a matter of really liking the other person and being kind (and this working both ways, obviously). It's not that complicated.
"U r a multifaceted dark horse. Oh yes you are..."

a wise and helpful soul, Musette  ;D

Offline Lust for Life

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Although, in days gone by, marriages lasted without people being kind to each other. I am still thinking about Mr and Mrs Bennet ;D

I had cause to state (at college today) that I wouldn't want to be married to either of them. For some reason some people found that funny. I think possibly that was het humour, I am not sure.

More on topic, I agree about keeping the rose tinted specs on. I think I would call it cutting the other person some slack based on what you know to be their good points. Forgiving them for being human. And hoping, but not expecting, to be forgiven yourself.

Offline the ganze metsieh

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While waiting for the pasta...to answer the thread: it's not so much overlooking things, as finding a partner's faults acceptable or even likeable; such as eating peanut butter from the jar with a spoon, on the one hand, this is the behaviour of a greedy person who doesn't care about spreading their germs, or on the other, a sign of an endearingly healthy appetite.

Offline Musette

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Although, in days gone by, marriages lasted without people being kind to each other. I am still thinking about Mr and Mrs Bennet ;D

I had this argument with a Jehovah's Witness last week, when he claimed that things were better in the 'olden days' (he said about 50 years ago!) - families stayed together, children were safe etc etc. I told him that was complete rot. Families stayed together because people (women in particular) didn't have any choice. And terrible things happened but nobody talked about them.
This was a very small part of a very long conversation during which he entirely failed to convert me. On the other hand, I equally failed to convince him that being gay or trans or, indeed, female, were things to celebrate... ::)
"U r a multifaceted dark horse. Oh yes you are..."

a wise and helpful soul, Musette  ;D

Offline the ganze metsieh

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Female? What were the objections?

I've not had a lengthy conversation with the JWs, partly because the last time they called was during an election and I initially thought they were Tories.   

Offline Lust for Life

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Quite, musette. The reason the Bennets stayed together was because they had no choice.

Offline Musette

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^ exactly.

Female? What were the objections?

It's not that he thought there shouldn't be any women, but that they should be subservient to men and couldn't be the head of a household (or anything else) because God decreed that men had to be in charge of everything ::)
"U r a multifaceted dark horse. Oh yes you are..."

a wise and helpful soul, Musette  ;D

Offline valerie

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Love the words in the subject ;D
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