Author Topic: Relationship help  (Read 446 times)

Offline Bluebear

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Re: Relationship help
« Reply #15 on: Feb 28, 2017, 08:40:53 PM »
Thank you all so much xx

Offline Vickilipstick

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Re: Relationship help
« Reply #16 on: Mar 19, 2017, 07:40:34 PM »
I really feel for you, but there is one thing i have learnt. I cant say it will definitely apply in your circumstances, but these things generally have the same conclusion.

Affairs - as this is what it essentially is, rarely come to anything satisfactory for the partner who isnt attached.
I have been in your situation for almost 5 years (but with a man). He is married but has no 'marriage'. It means buggerall. They will almost always stay with their permanent partner. If they were that unhappy and wanted you, they would leave. I know it hurts but that is unfortunately the reality. All the excuses under the sun are just that. Excuses.
I cant really advise you as im living the same life. But if i was too, i would say dont waste any more of your life. You could still be where you are this time next year or in ten years. And the more time you stay, you justify even more time staying by saying you have stayed this long.... !

I really feel for you x

Offline Vickilipstick

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Re: Relationship help
« Reply #17 on: Mar 19, 2017, 07:47:55 PM »
It is really hard to start living a fuller life when you've narrowed down your world so much and I'd suggest baby steps and being realistic about expectations. The more of a life you get the more you will be able to take decisions more confidently so I'd be wary of trying to change everything all at once.

Maybe you could start by finding one thing you can do for you each week and in the early stages this can just be research. Like one week contacting an old friend you haven't seen for a while and arranging to meet, you don't have to go into everything if you don't want, just enjoy their company. The next week maybe spend some time trying to find an activity to attend or book a massage or go for a walk or whatever gives you joy that you have stopped doing. All you are doing initially is things that you enjoy but have forgotten, I'd be wary of going for everything has to change right now because that's just totally overwhelming.

If you are struggling with what to do as an activity then consider an LGBT social/hobby/sports/activity group, the city I live in (Manchester) is amazing for this kind of thing, LGBT choirs, LGBT badminton, Lesbian and Bi walking groups etc etc but I know not everyone is as lucky.

If you are in the Northwest this might be helpful, (there is social group info as well as support/crisis type stuff despite the title!): https://lgbt.foundation/get-support/for-women/useful-links/

Stonewall also has info on this kind of thing nationally, just set the search term to social: http://www.stonewall.org.uk/help-advice/whats-my-area

International women's Day is coming up and there are all sorts of interesting events coming up across the country that might tempt you out, you can search for these here: https://www.internationalwomensday.com/Events

Good luck and be kind to yourself!

Everyone has great advice but this really is spot on. You have to try to take your focus off her being 'everything' in your life. Its bloody hard i know, but even if it gets you to a place where your still with her, but living your own life too, is a start!

Offline Grey

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Re: Relationship help
« Reply #18 on: Mar 20, 2017, 09:25:16 PM »
Bewilderbeast gives some of the best advice on GB

That rarefied space that one lives in when deliberately suspending all reality and rationality in order to occupy it-just for those few hours- that seem so stratospherically magical
Then the crash
It's Seduction
Addiction

Been there took the cure
It's like coming out of a fever
But then you have a life-your life-all yours

Offline Musette

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Re: Relationship help
« Reply #19 on: Mar 20, 2017, 10:38:14 PM »
^ yup, everything that Grey just said.
"U r a multifaceted dark horse. Oh yes you are..."

a wise and helpful soul, Musette  ;D

Offline Xof the Elder

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Re: Relationship help
« Reply #20 on: Mar 25, 2017, 10:45:06 PM »
thats a horrible position to be in. I'm sorry you have found yourself in that situation.

It can be very hard to leave a person who shows intermittent love and commitment. It's the way we are wired. Why so many of us stay so long after everyone around us is screaming 'get out'.

There does come a time though when you or anyone has enough pain in the past, enough pain in the present and has processed that the future will also bring pain, that the walls close in and you'll force yourself outward and upwards. We're all looking for comfort rather than excellence, it will just take enough pain for you to ultimately decide to leave - unfortunately it's often just too much for us to believe that actually we could just 'do better'. You can, it's the intermittent reward and inability to think of better for yourself that's keeping you there - if you were presented with a gorgeous, intelligent, lover who made you feel fantastic and would commit to you - would you be out? If you could feel for them what you feel for her and more? It's addiction you're facing. It's hard and I'm sorry you're going through it.

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Offline Jˇhanna Sigur­ardˇttir

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Re: Relationship help
« Reply #21 on: Mar 25, 2017, 11:41:08 PM »
It is a huge emotional rollercoaster trying to deal with someone who gives a message that is mostly one of rejection, but with just enough bits of hope punctuating the message at unpredictable times. It is far easier to move on if someone is absolute in their lack of interest in you. Inconsistency from a person trying to keep their options open leads to a constant internal cycling between vowing to move on, feeling hopeful, trying to read between lines, and waiting. Lots of waiting for and trying to elicit the next positive sign. It is a psychological killer, getting intermittent reinforcement.

Offline Xof the Elder

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Re: Relationship help
« Reply #22 on: Mar 26, 2017, 01:17:05 PM »
It is a huge emotional rollercoaster trying to deal with someone who gives a message that is mostly one of rejection, but with just enough bits of hope punctuating the message at unpredictable times. It is far easier to move on if someone is absolute in their lack of interest in you. Inconsistency from a person trying to keep their options open leads to a constant internal cycling between vowing to move on, feeling hopeful, trying to read between lines, and waiting. Lots of waiting for and trying to elicit the next positive sign. It is a psychological killer, getting intermittent reinforcement.

It is. Having been on both sides of that equation I can say at least the perpetrator probably isn't intending the hurt it's causing and likely hasn't had that happen to them. Once you've been on the receiving end it crystallises just how wrong that behaviour is and how damaging. Someone needs to draw a line in the sand but it's unlikely to be her. There's a lot to be said for the simple life!
Older, wiser, and still the best looking one on here