Author Topic: Relationship help  (Read 902 times)

Offline Bluebear

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Re: Relationship help
« Reply #15 on: Feb 28, 2017, 08:40:53 PM »
Thank you all so much xx

Offline Vickilipstick

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Re: Relationship help
« Reply #16 on: Mar 19, 2017, 07:40:34 PM »
I really feel for you, but there is one thing i have learnt. I cant say it will definitely apply in your circumstances, but these things generally have the same conclusion.

Affairs - as this is what it essentially is, rarely come to anything satisfactory for the partner who isnt attached.
I have been in your situation for almost 5 years (but with a man). He is married but has no 'marriage'. It means buggerall. They will almost always stay with their permanent partner. If they were that unhappy and wanted you, they would leave. I know it hurts but that is unfortunately the reality. All the excuses under the sun are just that. Excuses.
I cant really advise you as im living the same life. But if i was too, i would say dont waste any more of your life. You could still be where you are this time next year or in ten years. And the more time you stay, you justify even more time staying by saying you have stayed this long.... !

I really feel for you x

Offline Vickilipstick

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Re: Relationship help
« Reply #17 on: Mar 19, 2017, 07:47:55 PM »
It is really hard to start living a fuller life when you've narrowed down your world so much and I'd suggest baby steps and being realistic about expectations. The more of a life you get the more you will be able to take decisions more confidently so I'd be wary of trying to change everything all at once.

Maybe you could start by finding one thing you can do for you each week and in the early stages this can just be research. Like one week contacting an old friend you haven't seen for a while and arranging to meet, you don't have to go into everything if you don't want, just enjoy their company. The next week maybe spend some time trying to find an activity to attend or book a massage or go for a walk or whatever gives you joy that you have stopped doing. All you are doing initially is things that you enjoy but have forgotten, I'd be wary of going for everything has to change right now because that's just totally overwhelming.

If you are struggling with what to do as an activity then consider an LGBT social/hobby/sports/activity group, the city I live in (Manchester) is amazing for this kind of thing, LGBT choirs, LGBT badminton, Lesbian and Bi walking groups etc etc but I know not everyone is as lucky.

If you are in the Northwest this might be helpful, (there is social group info as well as support/crisis type stuff despite the title!): https://lgbt.foundation/get-support/for-women/useful-links/

Stonewall also has info on this kind of thing nationally, just set the search term to social: http://www.stonewall.org.uk/help-advice/whats-my-area

International women's Day is coming up and there are all sorts of interesting events coming up across the country that might tempt you out, you can search for these here: https://www.internationalwomensday.com/Events

Good luck and be kind to yourself!

Everyone has great advice but this really is spot on. You have to try to take your focus off her being 'everything' in your life. Its bloody hard i know, but even if it gets you to a place where your still with her, but living your own life too, is a start!

Offline Grey

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Re: Relationship help
« Reply #18 on: Mar 20, 2017, 09:25:16 PM »
Bewilderbeast gives some of the best advice on GB

That rarefied space that one lives in when deliberately suspending all reality and rationality in order to occupy it-just for those few hours- that seem so stratospherically magical
Then the crash
It's Seduction
Addiction

Been there took the cure
It's like coming out of a fever
But then you have a life-your life-all yours

Online Musette

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Re: Relationship help
« Reply #19 on: Mar 20, 2017, 10:38:14 PM »
^ yup, everything that Grey just said.
"U r a multifaceted dark horse. Oh yes you are..."

a wise and helpful soul, Musette  ;D

Offline Xof the Elder

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Re: Relationship help
« Reply #20 on: Mar 25, 2017, 10:45:06 PM »
thats a horrible position to be in. I'm sorry you have found yourself in that situation.

It can be very hard to leave a person who shows intermittent love and commitment. It's the way we are wired. Why so many of us stay so long after everyone around us is screaming 'get out'.

There does come a time though when you or anyone has enough pain in the past, enough pain in the present and has processed that the future will also bring pain, that the walls close in and you'll force yourself outward and upwards. We're all looking for comfort rather than excellence, it will just take enough pain for you to ultimately decide to leave - unfortunately it's often just too much for us to believe that actually we could just 'do better'. You can, it's the intermittent reward and inability to think of better for yourself that's keeping you there - if you were presented with a gorgeous, intelligent, lover who made you feel fantastic and would commit to you - would you be out? If you could feel for them what you feel for her and more? It's addiction you're facing. It's hard and I'm sorry you're going through it.

Quizas, quizas, quizas....

Offline Jˇhanna Sigur­ardˇttir

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Re: Relationship help
« Reply #21 on: Mar 25, 2017, 11:41:08 PM »
It is a huge emotional rollercoaster trying to deal with someone who gives a message that is mostly one of rejection, but with just enough bits of hope punctuating the message at unpredictable times. It is far easier to move on if someone is absolute in their lack of interest in you. Inconsistency from a person trying to keep their options open leads to a constant internal cycling between vowing to move on, feeling hopeful, trying to read between lines, and waiting. Lots of waiting for and trying to elicit the next positive sign. It is a psychological killer, getting intermittent reinforcement.

Offline Xof the Elder

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Re: Relationship help
« Reply #22 on: Mar 26, 2017, 01:17:05 PM »
It is a huge emotional rollercoaster trying to deal with someone who gives a message that is mostly one of rejection, but with just enough bits of hope punctuating the message at unpredictable times. It is far easier to move on if someone is absolute in their lack of interest in you. Inconsistency from a person trying to keep their options open leads to a constant internal cycling between vowing to move on, feeling hopeful, trying to read between lines, and waiting. Lots of waiting for and trying to elicit the next positive sign. It is a psychological killer, getting intermittent reinforcement.

It is. Having been on both sides of that equation I can say at least the perpetrator probably isn't intending the hurt it's causing and likely hasn't had that happen to them. Once you've been on the receiving end it crystallises just how wrong that behaviour is and how damaging. Someone needs to draw a line in the sand but it's unlikely to be her. There's a lot to be said for the simple life!
Quizas, quizas, quizas....

Offline Jaxx37

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Re: Relationship help
« Reply #23 on: Apr 06, 2017, 07:02:52 PM »
I'm sorry to hear you've found yourself in this situation, you deserve so much better than to be somebody's secret.

If she loves you, respects you and wants you in her life then she has to start truly showing it. At the moment she has the best of both worlds - she has a partner who is permanent and as far as you know faithful, loving and hardworking and she has the added thrill of having your love and devotion as well. The question I would ask you is this - if they are no longer in love with one another and acknowledge that their love is simply friendship, why must you be kept a secret? If their relationship is now about financial stability and not about romantic attachment, then surely she should feel safe enough to have a relationship with someone else? If she doesn't have that freedom then it's because her relationship status is not as clear cut as she would have you believe. They are still very much an item, definitely sleeping in the same bed, and the only time she contacts you is when it suits her. Meanwhile you're sitting waiting for 'that' call.  If she can lie so easily to a woman who has shared her life for such a long time then it seems only logical that she can and will do the same thing to you. Trust me I've been there - and it didn't end well at all. She's using you because she's bored with her life and wants some excitement - you're the excitement but she likely has no intention of leaving her partner or if she does she'll go back - they always do.

I'm not saying that she doesn't have genuine feelings for you, or that she is lying when she says she wants to be with you. On some level that probably is true, like I say - you're the excitement in her life and are a very attractive proposition as you're there waiting for her. All I'm saying is you really need to let her know that you are not willing to wait around forever while she feeds lies to her financially unstable partner, that's just the latest excuse that she's using to stop you from asking her to leave.

You deserve someone who can give you their love unconditionally, without hesitation, without having to watch over your shoulder in case someone suspects. That's no way to live, sure it can be exciting at first but this isn't a movie, it's real life and in real life you should share an equal partnership. What you're experiencing is not a partnership of equals, it's a manipulation of your feelings to give her a fall back in case things don't work out with her partner. There's nothing noble about her actions, she's not acting in her partner's best interests, she's acting in her own interests.

I know you may not want to hear what I've said, and I apologise if you feel like I've offended you, I'm simply talking from experience. There's someone out there for you - she's beautiful, intelligent, devoted and when the time is right you'll meet her, but you won't meet her until you free yourself from this situation. I wish you luck, I know how hard this journey is going to be for you.
People who are crazy enough to think they can change the world are the ones who do.

The one thing that does not abide by majority rule is a person's conscience.

Offline Bluebear

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Re: Relationship help
« Reply #24 on: Apr 08, 2017, 09:46:33 AM »
Thank you Jaxx. I'm not offended at all and thank you for taking the time to give me your advise. I guess I know what you are all saying about my situation is what I already know. Now I just need to act on it.
I'm thankful to you all.