Author Topic: Relationship help  (Read 440 times)

Offline Bluebear

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Relationship help
« on: Feb 23, 2017, 06:41:12 AM »
I need some advise.
I've been seeing a woman for over 2 years.  I say seeing,  we are in contact everyday,  see each other when we can and talk  on the phone most days.  I ended my 16yr relationship a while  after we met as I totally fell in love with her.  She is in a partnership.  She tells me they are no longer in love but love each other as friends. 
She tells me she loves me,  she tells me she will leave her partner and wants to be with me.  I'm a secret so I don't often see her. 
I'm head over heals in love with her,  I'm besotted by her.  Two and a half years on I still think about her constantly.  I constantly check my phone for messages and I've basically put my life on hold while I sit and wait and wait. 
Her ptner was made redundant last year so financially is unstable.  She said she plans to leave her as soon as she's in full time work.  Now her ptner is planning setting up a business so she says she needs to wait til that's up n running. 
I don't know if she will ever leave.  I desperately hope so.  But what do I do now.  I go to work then come home and spend time alone waiting for texts or we chat online.  I don't go out and im so lonely. I don't really see friends I just spend time alone.  I try to occupy my mind but it's hard.  All I do is think of her. 
We have spoken about the future and she promises she will leave once her partner is financially more stable.  But I just fear I'm sat here alone n waiting for something that may not happen. 
What do you do when you so desperately love someone.  I know I need to get on and fill my time and enjoy life but I can't.

Please help

Offline Jˇhanna Sigur­ardˇttir

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Re: Relationship help
« Reply #1 on: Feb 23, 2017, 07:21:03 AM »
That sounds very difficult.

Waiting for someone to love you fully / become available to you / get on the same page is an absolutely miserable way to live. The uncertainty of the waiting game makes life feel like a constant state of limbo, a state of stagnation until the long-awaited 'better part' can finally begin. It's a waiting game that might end in 6 months or 5 years or very likely, never. Truthfully, she might never leave her partner for you. For two years she has made the decision to remain in that relationship, when you have made your own sacrifices to be with her.

What would happen in an ideal world in these situations is we would have the self-respect to check out of unhealthy relationships and try to pursue things that damage our hearts less, but I certainly understand that love is very powerful and it's not that simple. The heart wants what it wants.


Offline Medusa

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Re: Relationship help
« Reply #2 on: Feb 23, 2017, 10:52:48 AM »
^ Good answer.

If you are genuinely asking what other people think you should do: I'd leave. You're not happy and your life is on hold while you wait for something that may never happen.

I have misgivings about people who are unfaithful in (monogamous) relationships. How do you trust them? How do you know that their partner shares the view that their relationship is over? How do you feel about their lack of ethics? I'd worry that if they are capable of being dishonest with their partner, I'd have no reason to expect better from them myself.

In theory I prefer to have my heart and my head more aligned. Of course, as Jˇhanna Sigur­ardˇttir, says, it's not always that simple.
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Offline Bewilderbeast

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Re: Relationship help
« Reply #3 on: Feb 23, 2017, 11:32:13 AM »
Quote
I don't go out and I'm so lonely. I don't really see friends I just spend time alone.  I try to occupy my mind but it's hard.  All I do is think of her. 

With kindness, I think this is where you are trapping yourself.

I would suggest rather than try and decide right now between staying in this situation or moving on you defer the decision but try and improve this bit. See other friends, find a new activity, get something going in your life other than this person.  If you've narrowed things down so that the only good thing in your life is when you get a text or whatever from her then of course you can't stop thinking about her, she's not only your love interest she's your boredom and general human loneliness relief, that's a lot of eggs in one basket.

If you can get a bit of a life going outside your connection to her then you've got a much better context to decide what to do in and to be honest it sounds like you have the time to spend on yourself if you barely actually see her. If she is allowed to be unavailable because she is still in a relationship then you are allowed to be unavailable for online chat on Wednesday evening because you are off to yoga/knitting group/ choir/pub quiz night or whatever. If she doesn't understand that simple equality then there's a big red flag right there.

Be kind to yourself, go out and the fun you deserve and I'm sure you'll find a better state of mind for making decisions in, or even better that the decision just kind of makes itself.

Good luck!




Offline સરસ

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Re: Relationship help
« Reply #4 on: Feb 23, 2017, 12:38:31 PM »
You are still a secret after 2 and a half years ???.. This only means she is lying to her partner... who is to say the whole thing of
" just friends" thing with her partner is true?  I doubt this woman is trustworthy.. Before her partner was made redundant she could have left but chose not to. Now it will be a range of excuses why she is still with her partner.

The fact that you are waiting already so long for someone who is willing to lie about your existence and what she "is" feeling for you.. that is on you..

You already know the answer to al your questions but are scared to face the truth.

Good luck and I hope you can find the strength to walk away before you waste another 2 and a half years.



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Offline Grey

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Re: Relationship help
« Reply #5 on: Feb 23, 2017, 02:23:05 PM »
Very  good advice here
and JS is right
"the heart wants what it wants"
the inexorable pull of seduction
but
you're not living your real life
hours days and now years are consumed by imaginings of all the wonderful things that will happen when.....when....

Is this your true self?

If she didn't exist what would you be doing?



Offline Bluebear

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Re: Relationship help
« Reply #6 on: Feb 23, 2017, 07:45:15 PM »
Thank you all for your kind replies.  I know what you are all telling me is so true.  I do need to get a life and start living, but it's so so hard to do. 

Offline plaiting fog

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Re: Relationship help
« Reply #7 on: Feb 23, 2017, 07:54:56 PM »
God, I really feel for you but none of this feels good, to me. I feel like advising you to try to break out of the "trance" of this attachment. I can't help but wonder how she has managed to keep you at arm's length yet so entwined at the same time. Maybe that would help you; trying to work out the specific ways in which she has kept you so engaged whilst offering you so little...? Might give you some helpful emotional distance to look at it in such an analytical way.

In any event, I'm with everyone else who has posted on this one. Sorry you're in such a tough place at the moment.

Offline MzB

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Re: Relationship help
« Reply #8 on: Feb 23, 2017, 08:54:12 PM »
I think you might find this website helpful, Bluebear. It has helped me in the past: http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/the-blog/

You might want to start with searching for posts about being a 'fallback girl'.

I feel for you, and really echo what others have said about focusing on yourself, first and foremost.

Offline pure evil

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Re: Relationship help
« Reply #9 on: Feb 23, 2017, 09:06:17 PM »
I think you might find this website helpful, Bluebear. It has helped me in the past: http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/the-blog/

You might want to start with searching for posts about being a 'fallback girl'.

I feel for you, and really echo what others have said about focusing on yourself, first and foremost.

Good call Mz B, my first thought when I read the OP was that this sounds like 'Future Faking' - another thing I'm pretty sure Baggage Reclaim will have an article on.

alana

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Re: Relationship help
« Reply #10 on: Feb 23, 2017, 11:30:43 PM »
I'm head over heals in love with her,  I'm besotted by her.  Two and a half years on I still think about her constantly.  I constantly check my phone for messages and I've basically put my life on hold while I sit and wait and wait. 

 I go to work then come home and spend time alone waiting for texts or we chat online.  I don't go out and im so lonely. I don't really see friends I just spend time alone.  I try to occupy my mind but it's hard.  All I do is think of her. 


Reading these paragraphs made me think about codependency. It would probably help to read something about it.
One of the books:

https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B01N5M5T2G/ref=dp-kindle-redirect?_encoding=UTF8&btkr=1

Offline Bewilderbeast

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Re: Relationship help
« Reply #11 on: Feb 24, 2017, 10:39:13 AM »
It is really hard to start living a fuller life when you've narrowed down your world so much and I'd suggest baby steps and being realistic about expectations. The more of a life you get the more you will be able to take decisions more confidently so I'd be wary of trying to change everything all at once.

Maybe you could start by finding one thing you can do for you each week and in the early stages this can just be research. Like one week contacting an old friend you haven't seen for a while and arranging to meet, you don't have to go into everything if you don't want, just enjoy their company. The next week maybe spend some time trying to find an activity to attend or book a massage or go for a walk or whatever gives you joy that you have stopped doing. All you are doing initially is things that you enjoy but have forgotten, I'd be wary of going for everything has to change right now because that's just totally overwhelming.

If you are struggling with what to do as an activity then consider an LGBT social/hobby/sports/activity group, the city I live in (Manchester) is amazing for this kind of thing, LGBT choirs, LGBT badminton, Lesbian and Bi walking groups etc etc but I know not everyone is as lucky.

If you are in the Northwest this might be helpful, (there is social group info as well as support/crisis type stuff despite the title!): https://lgbt.foundation/get-support/for-women/useful-links/

Stonewall also has info on this kind of thing nationally, just set the search term to social: http://www.stonewall.org.uk/help-advice/whats-my-area

International women's Day is coming up and there are all sorts of interesting events coming up across the country that might tempt you out, you can search for these here: https://www.internationalwomensday.com/Events

Good luck and be kind to yourself!

Offline Bluebear

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Re: Relationship help
« Reply #12 on: Feb 24, 2017, 08:35:07 PM »
Thank you all so much for your support and kindness. I'll look at the websites etc you have shared and take on board your suggestions.
It is so hard making those changes I'm in such a rut but I will try my best.

Thank you all

Offline MzB

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Re: Relationship help
« Reply #13 on: Feb 24, 2017, 10:16:53 PM »
Hugs to you ((( Bluebear )))

Good luck - and yes, baby steps!

alana

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Re: Relationship help
« Reply #14 on: Feb 24, 2017, 10:27:28 PM »
Thank you all so much for your support and kindness. I'll look at the websites etc you have shared and take on board your suggestions.
It is so hard making those changes I'm in such a rut but I will try my best.

Thank you all

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