Author Topic: Preteens and their manners  (Read 446 times)

Offline merce

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Preteens and their manners
« on: Jan 16, 2017, 05:59:42 PM »
A philosophical, theoretical question here. Given kids with no other issues, how much crap should a parent take at this age? (11ish) Rude answers, cheek and refusal to (e.g.) help cook dinner  - where do you draw the line? (And how?!)

Offline Medusa

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Re: Preteens and their manners
« Reply #1 on: Jan 16, 2017, 09:12:03 PM »
I have taken a pretty hard line with this sort of thing. While I am prepared to overlook general grumpiness, I won't tolerate outright rudeness. I am horrified at how some children/teenagers talk to their parents - the utter lack of respect and manners and the most basic empathy - and also how accepting some parents are of it.

But then I think being a 'tweenager' and a 'teenager' is largely a made-up thing, culturally and historically and in most of the world, children and young people their age would be expected to take on a lot more responsibility for themselves and others. Because of this I am a snarky old gorgon and I think it's indulgent to let the little blighters ride roughshod over other people.

That said, I let *plenty* slide when I can see they are in real trouble emotionally.
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Offline Grey

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Re: Preteens and their manners
« Reply #2 on: Jan 16, 2017, 11:07:48 PM »
that^
It's very unsettling to a kid to not know exactly where the boundaries are-especially being disrespectful
And you don't have to be on their case all the time-terms they understand immediately is; you are in charge of most things that matter-food transport and money!!
So no helping with dinner-oh dear! I've only made dinner for one
I can't take you xyz because I had to clean the mess you didn't and now I'm having a cup of tea
I'm not paying your mobile bill/trip whatever because you have to earn it I'm spending it on myself
Until they get it-and they do pretty quick when they realise the cause and effect-that you don't put into the family-you don't get back anything above the basics
I found it cut way down on the circular arguing they love and have SO much time for!
I also posted a list on the wall-mealtimes bed time stuff about respect earning everything such as grades money trust etc so I could just point
Things could be negotiated if they approached it respectfully with a well thought out plan-that was great for them
And the most life saving thing---if they start with the "You didn't tell me I COULDN"T!" your rule is "IF I DIDN'T SAY YOU COULD-YOU CAN'T" that alone will save years of your life!
 


 

Offline merce

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Re: Preteens and their manners
« Reply #3 on: Jan 17, 2017, 08:25:48 AM »
I like that last tip, Grey!
Those are my feelings too- good! It's an attitude that seems to come out of the blue sometimes- I am remembering adolescent brains are meant to be like toddlers in some ways.

Offline Grey

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Re: Preteens and their manners
« Reply #4 on: Jan 17, 2017, 02:45:31 PM »
Yep!!They are exactly like toddlers!!
overcome with emotions they can't handle being scared and insecure out in the world-they're just taller and have a larger vocabulary
They need security and boundaries just as much



Offline Musette

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Re: Preteens and their manners
« Reply #5 on: Jan 17, 2017, 05:14:31 PM »
I agree with the hardliners here.
I do not stand for rudeness or refusal to help.
However, general grumpiness is mostly ok as long as the teen is wiling to provide an explanation (eg, lots of work to do, argument with friend, feeling unwell, whatever) and, ideally, talk about it. Despite what my kids think, I do remember being a teen and it was hideous, so I don't blame them if they are less than happy at times.

But I think it's important to lead by example.
So, if I'm having a bad day - pmt, work stress, lack of sleep whatever - I tell them and apologise if I am grumpy and make sure they know it's not their fault. I don't expect them to do anything I wouldn't do myself, nor expect higher standards than I set for myself (I can't tell them never to swear, for example, because I swear sometimes (although never at them), so I teach them when it is or is not appropriate). And I pick my battles. So although I like a tidy house, I let it go if their rooms are untidy because in the grand scheme of things, what does it really matter? But I don't tolerate dirty crockery or food in their rooms because that encourages mice and means others don't have clean stuff to use.

I guess it's about setting an example and teaching consideration for others (and what goes around comes around...).
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a wise and helpful soul, Musette  ;D