Author Topic: Rainbow Families - onwards and upwards!  (Read 948 times)

Offline sparky

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Re: Rainbow Families - onwards and upwards!
« Reply #15 on: Jan 09, 2017, 03:21:39 PM »
Thanks all for the good advice.  I feel very much like an 1950s housewife and need to get to a place where things are more evenly balanced.

My wife is incredibly sensitive and I don't like upsetting her.  When we've talked in the past about household stuff she gets upset and says that I'm better at it than her so she just lets me do it.  But she maybe needs to try more.  She is incredibly good with our daughter and they have a great relationship which is neat.  It's not all bad at all.

I actually managed to get little one to sleep in her bed this avo and am having some down time instead of doing other things. 

Offline merce

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Re: Rainbow Families - onwards and upwards!
« Reply #16 on: Jan 09, 2017, 05:31:52 PM »
Sparky no wonder you are shattered. I think having a child means a real assault on the 'self' and it's crucial to protect some of yourself, somehow.
I don't think being good at housework is a thing. It's just a job that anyone can do to any degree and it doesn't matter how perfect or not it is and it also doesn't mean anything if you have different ideas about it - that sounds like something that it'd be great if the two of you could discuss unemotionally. We're lucky in that now we can afford a cleaner once a fortnight and it makes an enormous difference. But when our child was small I really had to fight to point out that I didn't want to be with him all the time while my partner did the going to the shop /sorting stuff out things, I wanted to get away a bit myself too! GOing back to work was good but no way should one person get to have a peaceful bath and the other not. Being at home with a child (or anywhere!) is really emotionally demanding, in a different way from work, and you need a break from it. Glad your last post sounds like you're getting one.

It's harder doing meets with older kids as well as tinies, but we might manage an olympic park one - or does anyone fancy something at half term?

Offline Earl

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Re: Rainbow Families - onwards and upwards!
« Reply #17 on: Jan 09, 2017, 08:25:48 PM »
Sparky, having felt myself to be in fairly similar situations with others, I feel for you. Resentment and exhaustion are not healthy. When asked 'well then, tell me what needs doing'?..I tended to go with 'have you not got f@cking eyes, what?.., I'm your seeing-eye dog now, too'? Etc. None of this was helpful.

I like the lists and rota suggestions. You'll still be your partners seeing-eye dog, but crucially, you should get more time to frisk around in the bath/go for walks in the park etc.
Nye Bevan, 'the NHS will exist for only as long as the people fight for it'...or something like that.

Offline Medusa

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Re: Rainbow Families - onwards and upwards!
« Reply #18 on: Jan 09, 2017, 08:37:04 PM »
^ All good suggestions.

Maybe we could have a thread/discussion about ways to keep household/cohabitation stuff as egalitarian as possible? Esp when one partner/parent works more (paid) hours, maybe.

I know so many couples where things seem to come unstuck once children come along because of issues like this - straight and not. I also know some - straight and not - who seem to have built up solid strategies for avoiding lopsided domestic lifestyles.
Every day is a bad hair day.

Offline kittorama

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Re: Rainbow Families - onwards and upwards!
« Reply #19 on: Jan 15, 2017, 09:24:11 AM »
Finding this extremely hard myself. Lists and rotas haven't worked because they get forgotten after two weeks and other things happen that take "priority". I'm waiting for the car to be washed for a year now.
After 2 1/2 years of motherhood I haven't found a system that works for us and I feel like I'm mother to a child and a teenager.
Having said that I don't do any of the cooking and if my wife tried to have a two hour bath....  :-X
But I see this dyschord in all couples with children. I'm starting to think it's unavoidable.

Offline Earl

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Re: Rainbow Families - onwards and upwards!
« Reply #20 on: Jan 15, 2017, 11:02:08 AM »
I see this dyschord in all couples with children. I'm starting to think it's unavoidable.

You would think that in two women relationships that this wouldn't happen, wouldn't you? When it's happened to me I think I've almost certainly been complicit, for example, I've allowed this gf to 'take on' the traditional male role of putting the bins out, washing the car, wielding the majority of the power tools etc, whilst I did something lady-like, like actual housework. Taking on the sh*t shovelling work might have seemed practical at the time but, even time-wise, it's not equal, is it? I think when children come along these narrow roles continue and the work the lady does expands exponentially. And then your head explodes.
Nye Bevan, 'the NHS will exist for only as long as the people fight for it'...or something like that.

Offline merce

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Re: Rainbow Families - onwards and upwards!
« Reply #21 on: Jan 16, 2017, 10:25:04 AM »
Some of it's generic to relationships - the path one travels becomes narrower, and it's rare for people to be absolutely in agreement about Stuff That Needs Doing. But some of it is very specifically related to the job of childrearing, the way jobs and schools and money mean it often makes sense for one person to become the child/home expert. Electronic calendars and to do lists can help -it's easier for both people to be involved if all the information's there.