Author Topic: Rainbow Families - onwards and upwards!  (Read 1380 times)

Offline Medusa

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Rainbow Families - onwards and upwards!
« on: Jan 01, 2017, 05:27:46 PM »
It's been a while since this board showed any signs of life. How about a revival?
What would you most like to see here?

Clichés, aside, let's be the change we want.

I have some ideas but as a gobby old trout, I'd like to wait to see what others have to say first.  :D
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Diesel

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Re: Rainbow Families - onwards and upwards!
« Reply #1 on: Jan 01, 2017, 07:32:02 PM »
This place saved my sanity too many times to count through pregnancy and babyhood and toddlerhood.

Now I've got a 6 year old, I definitely can't see myself using RF like I did before, for the sake of his privacy. But I still hope it can be a great resource- it turns out six years olds are infinitely more hard work, in totally different ways, than I'd ever anticipated.

Plus there's the added discussions around schools, and non school, and friendships, and learning the world, and step parenting...

Offline animalnitrate

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Re: Rainbow Families - onwards and upwards!
« Reply #2 on: Jan 01, 2017, 09:22:48 PM »
This place saved my sanity too many times to count through pregnancy and babyhood and toddlerhood.

Snap.

I haven't worked out what I want to talk about on RF these days, yet. (Actually there are a few small-ish things I'd half like to discuss, only I feel hesitant about sharing because of weird combination of effective lack of anonymity combined with unrestricted audience, in terms of my own privacy as well as my child's. I may get over that, or find a way to get around it.) But something, definitely. It has been v sad to watch RF wither away.

Failing that, I may just return to the baby/toddler years of desperation and joy... that would either give me more to post about, or suitably lower my inhibitions around posting the stuff I can already think of!

Offline merce

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Re: Rainbow Families - onwards and upwards!
« Reply #3 on: Jan 03, 2017, 03:35:37 PM »
Boys and feminism. I asked years ago about this; it feels no less urgent a topic now, with added social media fears.

Offline Amphelise

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Re: Rainbow Families - onwards and upwards!
« Reply #4 on: Jan 03, 2017, 08:21:10 PM »
I've missed the general conversations sharing the highs and lows. Somewhere to bitch that's less visible than FB, for a start!
"Well, at least I'm not a time-traveling, shape-shifting robot operated by miniaturized cross people. Which I've got to admit, I didn't see coming." ~ The Doctor

Diesel

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Re: Rainbow Families - onwards and upwards!
« Reply #5 on: Jan 03, 2017, 11:13:57 PM »
@animalnitrate I'm thinking we go down the path of mums net... referring to our kids as 'the child' or DC or whatever. We were all so open here before. In the olden days.  ;D

Diesel

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Re: Rainbow Families - onwards and upwards!
« Reply #6 on: Jan 03, 2017, 11:15:06 PM »
Does this place still have moderators?

I think the old posts at the top of RF should be removed- they're not relevant anymore and it's a little disheartening to see threads that are years and years old being the first thing you see.

Offline sparky

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Re: Rainbow Families - onwards and upwards!
« Reply #7 on: Jan 06, 2017, 09:03:59 PM »
Id be interested in meet ups.  We don't know any other same sex families and I think it would be good for my daughter to know other children from same sex families.

On a message board level it would be great to have support from others my daughters 14 months now and I've got PND and anxiety and coupled with the sleepless nights things can be tough.

I'd also like to know how others divide up the household stuff and have time for personal time.  My wife works full time and I work three days taking my daughter and am out of the house from 7.30am-7.30pm.  I do all the household stuff and settling little one and have no ME time.  Not sure how I can fit it in.

Diesel

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Re: Rainbow Families - onwards and upwards!
« Reply #8 on: Jan 06, 2017, 09:41:09 PM »
Hi Sparky, I'm sorry to hear things have been difficult for you  :-\

The early days are hard. As is juggling the division of labour/juggling work etc.

Lots of good discussions to be had...

Offline animalnitrate

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Re: Rainbow Families - onwards and upwards!
« Reply #9 on: Jan 06, 2017, 10:50:16 PM »
Boys and feminism. I asked years ago about this; it feels no less urgent a topic now, with added social media fears.

YES. I want this one too.

@animalnitrate I'm thinking we go down the path of mums net... referring to our kids as 'the child' or DC or whatever. We were all so open here before. In the olden days.  ;D

Yeah... that sorts some of it, but not all of it. I don't know, maybe it's about adjustments in my expectations during the time spent away from here. Some of it is really about *my* anonymity, which obviously doesn't feel very anonymous here because I know (or even just 'know') so many people. The kinds of things one might want to discuss through Facebook's limited audience feature. Mind you, you can't even get that sort of near-complete anonymity with strangers on mumsnet these days without running the risk of being featured in the Daily Mail. ::)

Blah grumble ramble.



Sparky - that sounds really really tough and I'm sorry to read it. I found that age very difficult (by which I suppose I mean, I found everything was *still* getting harder and never getting easier). It doesn't sound like the division of labour is working properly for you...

Possibly too much projection so feel free to ignore, but my sanity was very much saved by going back to uni/work, because although it obviously added a whole other load of demands and stresses, it gave me space from the baby. But if you're taking yours to work with you, I wonder if that's meaning you get all the stressy demanding side of work without getting that weird 'a change is as good as a rest'
respite aspect of it. If you're out of the house 12 hours on your three working days, you are basically also working full time - it's not clear to me from your post whether you/your wife recognise it like that? While I can imagine it's convenient to the whole family for you to take the greater share of domestic duties on the other four days, that does sound like a recipe for exhaustion and resentment.

I can't comment on how families with two parents find fair amounts of 'me time' - but I do know that I find my own by letting a *lot* of stuff slide. If I can avoid washing up during the week, I do - for example. I realise this sounds super grim but I would rather be sane than have a tidy clean kitchen, and some weeks it really is that simple.

Offline nic

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Re: Rainbow Families - onwards and upwards!
« Reply #10 on: Jan 07, 2017, 02:59:54 PM »
Sparky it will get better once they are two they give a lot more back

bty like AN i have no idea about  parenting as a couple i have always done it alone and in some respects it might at times be easier because its simply you and the little one - i went back to work full time when she was one - it wasn't always easy and still isn't always although she is seven now but that comes with ne w challenges - especially challenging mami on stuff that wasn't before - its sometimes very funny and at others just mad

i agree with AN do what is necessary - my house is often very messy so what - i got cross this morning because i stepped on lego - (my house is full of lego she just builds and builds) - tidy up time today -  also i sometimes cross out a weekend - i.e. we spend the day at home - and go to local market etc and may bump into a friend who comes over for a bit but nothing big or go camping with friends for the weekend ......

i would too love to meet up again .....

i dont have a boy but would still be interested in boys and feminism discussions

but i am glad we are chatting again .....


Offline sparky

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Re: Rainbow Families - onwards and upwards!
« Reply #11 on: Jan 08, 2017, 11:08:57 PM »
I'm glad people are popping back here. 

Sitting here snuggling my daughter who should be in bed I do love these moments and really treasure them.  But it's another weekend of no ME time and resentment to my wife who had a lovely two hour bath last night, got to watch Dr Who and read a magazine and book.  I barely had time to clean my teeth.  First up with baby.  Last to sleep.  All washing and ironing done by me.  All meals planned, prepped and cooked by me (I try to cook meals at week end to freeze to use during week)  All dishes done by me.  Rubbish out by me.  Wife did Hoover.  Part of the anxiety is I can't let things go althiugh my standards are slipping as I get more tired.  Wife of course says just ask me what you want doing but that's exhausting in itself.  Surely if you see washing basket over flowing you put it on?  I am really close to doing a roster but I don't want to get to that stage.

Better put little one to bed and get some sleep myself.

Diesel

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Re: Rainbow Families - onwards and upwards!
« Reply #12 on: Jan 09, 2017, 12:08:36 AM »
@sparky I think it's ok to make a roster. Of sorts.

We have set jobs- I'm a control freak so prefer to do everything myself, then have a breakdown when I realise I can't! I also have a wife who doesn't always see the mess I see. Setting her specific jobs really helped both of our sanity. I.E she does all the washing up (the bane of my life). She takes out the bins. I clean the bathroom and the kitchen. etc etc...

Offline nismat

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Re: Rainbow Families - onwards and upwards!
« Reply #13 on: Jan 09, 2017, 09:59:25 AM »
Sparky, it sounds like you're having a pretty tough time. And it sounds like you need to bring in some changes, something like a roster, for your own sake before you crash and burn.   

We don't all see things in the same way, and your wife may genuinely not 'see' the overflowing washing basket. There's a big difference between someone saying 'Do you need any help?' and 'Tell me what needs doing', and then again with not even needing to be told/asked. It takes a lot of mental energy to organise it all, and there are those of us who do need to feel in control of it all, even when it's detrimental to our own health and wellbeing, because actually it's not possible to do it all.

Chances are, you and your wife have got rather entrenched into your positions. I say this, having done exactly the same when our son was younger (we are divorced now, but not for these reasons). I did all the household stuff (other than ironing) and basically ran our lives. She put our son to bed 1 night a week. Which somehow she managed in 20-30 mins where it would take me 1 1/2 hours or so! My ex was also very good at making time for herself; both of us accepted that that was her right. I worked from home, so it wasn't quite like your situation, but I found it very hard/impossible to carve out 'me' time (I still find that hard now, even now that our boy is nearly 10 and only with me 50% of the time, so technically at least, I do have 'me' time). Even when theoretically I could have sat down/had a bath/a nap, I found it impossible to relax because all I could see was the stuff that still needed doing; washing, tidying, planning ahead etc. To some degree, I think you have to recognise that parts of this are down to different personalities and differing attitudes. And it really is true that you have to make a conscious decision to perhaps let certain things go. I do know that that isn't easy though; even when you're on the edge (or perhaps especially when you are on the edge), feeling like you control all this household stuff (albeit that it is threatening to overwhelm you) is what holds you together. Speaking from experience!

I think that you absolutely have to talk about bringing in a roster (whilst also accepting that if your wife does jobs differently to you, it is ok. Resentment is only going to build otherwise, and it's all too easy to martyr yourself (I've definitely been there, done that).

At weekends, my wife would get to have a lie-in on Saturday, but I got one on Sunday - the one morning of the week that I didn't have to be the one sorting out our son. Admittedly, she would lie in until around 12, and I never managed later than about 8.30am, but it did help, psychologically (I'd suggest having an agreed time by which the other person does need to be up and about, as I then started to resent the lost Saturday mornings/family time - she often wouldn't be showered and dressed until 2pm!). But you really can't keep on doing virtually all the household chores yourself when you have 3 such long days out working yourself. You WILL burn out if you don't make changes.

Even now that we are divorced and sharing childcare, I still struggle to manage everything (I now work full time and have those 7.30am-7.30pm days), although it's easier than if the Sprout was a baby/toddler, as he's not so reliant on me 24/7.
I have a new mantra - something I saw on Facebook, but which is actually really helping me deal with the mental pressure of those endless to do lists that you have when you're a bit of a control freak like I am. Instead of having this huge list of 'I must do X, Y, Z' (a lot of which may be prompted by seeing eg the washing that needs doing), but also having that awareness that eg your tax return needs doing by the end of the month, think about priorities. So there are some things that absolutely *have* to be done e.g. clean clothes (but not necessarily all ironed), meal prep (as it will make life easier in the week), but for everything else, think 'that's not a priority for me right now'. It's a subtle difference, but for me, mental the difference is huge. It means that I *can* just leave some things not done, or put off thinking about them, without feeling stressed/guilty.

Very best of luck x

Offline Grey

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Re: Rainbow Families - onwards and upwards!
« Reply #14 on: Jan 09, 2017, 02:45:23 PM »
I don't know if this will help but my partner and I did it with lists and post-it's
It worked really well because we had very different styles...she was very neat and me...well not so much  :-[
She got to decide how/when something should be done which was important to her and
I didn't have to figure it out-just follow a list
And we didn't have a baby in the mix and we still had to work this out!
It also worked because we both respected our individual differences and it was done with humour and appreciation-it was great-everything ticked along after that

It sounds like she just has no real overview of what it all takes!