Sparky, it sounds like you're having a pretty tough time. And it sounds like you need to bring in some changes, something like a roster, for your own sake before you crash and burn.
We don't all see things in the same way, and your wife may genuinely not 'see' the overflowing washing basket. There's a big difference between someone saying 'Do you need any help?' and 'Tell me what needs doing', and then again with not even needing to be told/asked. It takes a lot of mental energy to organise it all, and there are those of us who do need to feel in control of it all, even when it's detrimental to our own health and wellbeing, because actually it's not possible to do it all.
Chances are, you and your wife have got rather entrenched into your positions. I say this, having done exactly the same when our son was younger (we are divorced now, but not for these reasons). I did all the household stuff (other than ironing) and basically ran our lives. She put our son to bed 1 night a week. Which somehow she managed in 20-30 mins where it would take me 1 1/2 hours or so! My ex was also very good at making time for herself; both of us accepted that that was her right. I worked from home, so it wasn't quite like your situation, but I found it very hard/impossible to carve out 'me' time (I still find that hard now, even now that our boy is nearly 10 and only with me 50% of the time, so technically at least, I do have 'me' time). Even when theoretically I could have sat down/had a bath/a nap, I found it impossible to relax because all I could see was the stuff that still needed doing; washing, tidying, planning ahead etc. To some degree, I think you have to recognise that parts of this are down to different personalities and differing attitudes. And it really is true that you have to make a conscious decision to perhaps let certain things go. I do know that that isn't easy though; even when you're on the edge (or perhaps especially when you are on the edge), feeling like you control all this household stuff (albeit that it is threatening to overwhelm you) is what holds you together. Speaking from experience!
I think that you absolutely have to talk about bringing in a roster (whilst also accepting that if your wife does jobs differently to you, it is ok. Resentment is only going to build otherwise, and it's all too easy to martyr yourself (I've definitely been there, done that).
At weekends, my wife would get to have a lie-in on Saturday, but I got one on Sunday - the one morning of the week that I didn't have to be the one sorting out our son. Admittedly, she would lie in until around 12, and I never managed later than about 8.30am, but it did help, psychologically (I'd suggest having an agreed time by which the other person does need to be up and about, as I then started to resent the lost Saturday mornings/family time - she often wouldn't be showered and dressed until 2pm!). But you really can't keep on doing virtually all the household chores yourself when you have 3 such long days out working yourself. You WILL burn out if you don't make changes.
Even now that we are divorced and sharing childcare, I still struggle to manage everything (I now work full time and have those 7.30am-7.30pm days), although it's easier than if the Sprout was a baby/toddler, as he's not so reliant on me 24/7.
I have a new mantra - something I saw on Facebook, but which is actually really helping me deal with the mental pressure of those endless to do lists that you have when you're a bit of a control freak like I am. Instead of having this huge list of 'I must do X, Y, Z' (a lot of which may be prompted by seeing eg the washing that needs doing), but also having that awareness that eg your tax return needs doing by the end of the month, think about priorities. So there are some things that absolutely *have* to be done e.g. clean clothes (but not necessarily all ironed), meal prep (as it will make life easier in the week), but for everything else, think 'that's not a priority for me right now'. It's a subtle difference, but for me, mental the difference is huge. It means that I *can* just leave some things not done, or put off thinking about them, without feeling stressed/guilty.
Very best of luck x