Author Topic: Mothers  (Read 2666 times)

Offline Earl

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Mothers
« on: May 18, 2016, 06:28:40 PM »
Do we expect too much of our mothers? Discuss.
Nye Bevan, 'the NHS will exist for only as long as the people fight for it'...or something like that.

theonlywayisup

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Re: Mothers
« Reply #1 on: May 18, 2016, 08:00:01 PM »
Yes.

They can't help being the type of person they are just as we cannot help being the type of person we are. So it's no good going about your life expecting some miracle to happen. They are not going to change. All anyone can do is try to remain calm and remember that they are not going to be in your life forever so try to appreciate them. You may find that they appreciate you a bit more in return.


Offline pure evil

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Re: Mothers
« Reply #2 on: May 18, 2016, 09:15:37 PM »
I have done, yes. Adjusting my expectations and putting in some effort has helped. Tho also admitting that my family are bonkers and adjusting how I relate accordingly has been a plus.

Slantrhyme

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Re: Mothers
« Reply #3 on: May 19, 2016, 01:34:59 PM »
 Well, I expect her not to judge me and not to take the p1ss out of me, and I don't think this is too much to ask.  I obviously expected too much when I wanted a phone call or text message every now and again. I've had to re-adjust my expectations to accommodate the fact that she doesn't really give a sh1t whether I'm dead or alive most of the time.I could've been dead for the last six weeks and she wouldn't know, in fact if it hadn't been for me bothering to ring her, I might've been dead for years without her knowing
 The other week she told my sister that she wasn't bothered what I did because she had no expectations of me, which is the way I've had to adjust my thinking about her.
 You know what though, and it's took me a long time to be able to say this, fvck her. I don't need her. I've barely seen her in the last 15 years and we could hardly stand the sight of each other before that,  so what difference does it make to me what she thinks or doesn't think?
 And don't think for a minute my dad gets away with it either, because he's never once picked up the phone to speak to me. We've been on dodgy ground since the time when I was 18 and  he hit me, which is a shame because before that we got on quite well, but I just can't find it in me to forgive him.     

Offline Jaxx37

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Re: Mothers
« Reply #4 on: May 19, 2016, 07:14:06 PM »
I am extremely fortunate to be blessed with a mother who is compassionate, kind, understanding and supportive. I know how lucky I am that she loves me and supports me and sometimes I forget that. She's taken my coming out in stride, hasn't asked many questions and is keen to meet my girlfriend (she's baked cakes for me to take to her even though they've never met!). I think sometimes I'm a bit hard on mum and I forget that she's been through a hell of a lot in the last few years, I get so caught up in my own shit that I forget to thank her for all of the things that she does. It's something I need to do more often.
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dukovearl

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Re: Mothers
« Reply #5 on: May 19, 2016, 08:00:04 PM »
How much is too much? I hope for more than I expect and am still disappointed. I would like her to care about my feelings. Perhaps she is incapable, but does that make the hope unreasonable? It isn't an expectation; that was limited to moderately polite exchanges, but even that seems beyond her. I expect (and get) a lot more from my kids than from my mother and they definitely get a lot more from me too.

Offline nismat

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Mothers
« Reply #6 on: May 20, 2016, 09:53:28 AM »
This thread is giving me much food for thought.

I have a reasonable relationship with my mother, but there is a huge amount of underlying stuff that we have never talked about. And I don't know if we ever will. On the one hand, I don't know that it is worth it, given that it relates to things that happened 30yrs ago (although the impact is ongoing I suppose, as it shaped our relationship so much). And on the other, I do feel that I would regret it if she died and we had never even broached the subject or tried to resolve it. Not had the chance to understand it. Yet I don't want to hurt her. It's certainly complicated.

I think that actually I trained myself at a fairly young age not to expect too much of my mother. She expected a lot from me (although I'm sure that it wasn't a conscious expectation; it's just what happened, and I don't think that she has any idea of what she, unspokenly, also asked of me, in asking for my complicit silence). But I gave it anyway, and it has never been acknowledged, which is very hard.

And so I've emotionally shut myself off from her in some ways - I don't expect her to meet my emotional needs certainly. And feel awkward discussing them with her anyway, as she always goes into counsellor mode rather than mother mode (she used to work for Relate). We have a comfortable relationship in many ways; we enjoy spending time together. But there is this massive elephant in the room, for me at least. And she possibly wonders why I am less close to her than my sisters are.

Unfortunately, this key formative relationship means that I don't really let myself be emotionally close to many people; friends as well as partners. I give, but I don't take, by and large. Which is a bit of a crap imbalance!

One day I'll find the time/money for therapy...
« Last Edit: May 20, 2016, 10:05:43 AM by nismat »

Offline Grey

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Re: Mothers
« Reply #7 on: May 20, 2016, 07:51:59 PM »
After years and years of it I realized when I had my own offspring which blessedly gave me that vital "aha moment" that I just couldn't carry on dealing with my mother
She could have had a nice life with an offspring who did care about her and two rather lovely little grandsons but what she really wanted was endless drama and upset and outrage and guilt and manipulation and insults
It was her life-she could disassemble it or burn it down to the ground if she wanted
But I could not then give my life over to her because she was actively ruining hers-because it was my life-she wasn't entitled to hers AND mine
So I walked away because it was beyond the point of no return


Offline Musette

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Re: Mothers
« Reply #8 on: May 20, 2016, 10:30:43 PM »
I do feel that I would regret it if she died and we had never even broached the subject or tried to resolve it. Not had the chance to understand it. Yet I don't want to hurt her. It's certainly complicated.

This.

It's really hard to know whether to tackle those difficult subjects with the hope that you might, finally, clear the air and do some good, whilst knowing that it could well end up just being an argument or her being so offended/upset that it would make things worse.

I know my mum could never bring herself to challenge her mum over their issues and the latter died with them all still unresolved.

I, in my turn, have picked at some of the mother/daughter stuff, and it has generally resulted in my mum feeling aggrieved and me feeling guilty for having upset her ::) So, for the time being anyway, I'm adopting the 'ignore it/let it go' strategy.

As I mentioned somewhere else, she has now decided to seek therapy, so I'm hoping that it might reveal to her some of the issues she has with me. I'm not holding my breath though.
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Offline Lust for Life

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Re: Mothers
« Reply #9 on: May 21, 2016, 07:02:00 AM »
To my shock, when I tried to confront my mother about stuff she had said and done in my formative years, she simply denied everything, or 'didn't remember' :o

She claims to have a good memory otherwise, and calls my father everything because he has dementia ::) :(

It was quite a shock to spend years wondering how certain things had come about, to finally screw up the courage to ask for her side of the story and then find that 'door' closed firmly in my face.

oldbutnew

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Re: Mothers
« Reply #10 on: May 21, 2016, 09:51:27 AM »
Having had a conversation with my mother, she is of the opinion that you do not live with someone, you get married and then live with them.  She does not believe in shacking up with a partner.  She cannot understand why people just live together without getting married.   She said if people are going to live together for years they may as well get married.  I have wondered that myself.  What are the advantages/disadvantages of having a partner and living together as a married couple without actually getting married?  My mother also does not believe in sex before marriage and her words to me are that if people live together and have sex before marriage it is immoral.

I know a vicars son who is living with his girlfriend and they have just had a baby and my mother said she would never accept that but the vicar and his wife have fully accepted it and adore their grandson but my mother said it is very wrong.  My mother said why cant their son do the decent thing and marry the girl.

Slantrhyme

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Re: Mothers
« Reply #11 on: May 21, 2016, 12:52:40 PM »
 To each their own I guess

Saga N

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Re: Mothers
« Reply #12 on: May 21, 2016, 06:14:32 PM »
Having had a conversation with my mother, she is of the opinion that you do not live with someone, you get married and then live with them.  She does not believe in shacking up with a partner.  She cannot understand why people just live together without getting married.   She said if people are going to live together for years they may as well get married.  I have wondered that myself.  What are the advantages/disadvantages of having a partner and living together as a married couple without actually getting married?  My mother also does not believe in sex before marriage and her words to me are that if people live together and have sex before marriage it is immoral.

I know a vicars son who is living with his girlfriend and they have just had a baby and my mother said she would never accept that but the vicar and his wife have fully accepted it and adore their grandson but my mother said it is very wrong.  My mother said why cant their son do the decent thing and marry the girl.

What are your views of your mother's opinions?

Parents pass down such fucked up ideas around sex: guilt and fear and shame.

Offline Earl

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Re: Mothers
« Reply #13 on: May 21, 2016, 06:59:41 PM »
^ I was going to suggest they were peas in a judgemental/snippy pod, but you being so diplomatic /generous leaves me feeling mean. Bloody parallel universe...how did that happen?
Nye Bevan, 'the NHS will exist for only as long as the people fight for it'...or something like that.

Offline Musette

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Re: Mothers
« Reply #14 on: May 21, 2016, 07:25:27 PM »
My mother said why cant their son do the decent thing and marry the girl.

Maybe 'the girl' doesn't want to get married!!!
"U r a multifaceted dark horse. Oh yes you are..."

a wise and helpful soul, Musette  ;D