Author Topic: Dilema...daughter(11 year old)...  (Read 1026 times)

Offline scouser

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Dilema...daughter(11 year old)...
« on: Mar 11, 2016, 09:55:31 PM »
I have a bit of a dilemma and wondered if anyone could give me some advice?

When we lived in Stockport, my eleven year old daughter was quite used to the idea of me getting in a relationship with a lady, as most people in our area knew my history and accepted me.
My son, on the other hand, a year younger, was struggling with the idea that if I was to start a relationship again, with anyone, it was definite going to be with a woman, he was close to my ex, his dad, and found the split difficult; my daughter, relished the concept, at that time.

However, now we have moved to this lovely area, where there are lots of lovely people, openly gay, she has become, 'uncomfortable', and evasive, even hostile and angry, when I even touch on the subject of being with a woman!

I realise she is still trying to prove herself, and fit in, at school, the area, etc, and so, I am trying to accommodate her and be sensitive and patient.

The problem is, my lady may soon be here, and hopefully, moving in with us, we shall be living openly together, and my daughter knows this, my son, on the other hand, has been great about it, his new, best friend has a 'step mum' and is getting married soon to his mum!  :D
I am thrilled he has finally met a friend in this position, it has helped enormously!

It seems to have been a reversal of roles!
The difficulty is, my daughter, who has slight autism, dyslexia, A.D.H.D, needs more understanding than most, and I now feel unable to speak comfortably, or openly in her company without getting into a row, or upsetting her.
I know I should be standing up for my right to be with whom ever I wish, but feel I have gone back ten steps, since moving which has completely achieved the opposite of what the intention of moving was in the first place!

Should I just give her more time to adjust and see if she adapts again, and comes around, or should I just ignore her until she accepts that we will be together ?

She was great in our last place, her friends knew about me, and she had reached a point where she was actually looking forward to us being together.
Now we are here, she just seems to be so vehemently opposed to any suggestion of my relationship being out in the open, or any mention of my sexuality at all!

It's really upsetting and worrying me. :-\

Like I said, I just seemed to have gone back ten steps with her!
Any suggestions/ advice? ???
One day I'll laugh about this!😑

dukovearl

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Re: Dilema...daughter(11 year old)...
« Reply #1 on: Mar 12, 2016, 11:23:04 AM »
I would guess that, at 11, her own hormones and developing sexuality are confusing her as much as anything and if she were my daughter, I would speak to her a lot about her before broaching the subject of me.

Also what might have been easy for her to accept in theory, while you were at your old place, might be frightening her now that it could become reality. Non-neurotypical kids can be extremely anxious about big changes.

Offline Grey

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Re: Dilema...daughter(11 year old)...
« Reply #2 on: Mar 12, 2016, 02:38:13 PM »
Agree with Duke
She's 11
And basically for the next 7 years or so you'll always be doing something "wrong" so don't take it personally
Be as steady and reliable as possible
But keep to your own life goals- that will be a great example for her

Offline scouser

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Re: Dilema...daughter(11 year old)...
« Reply #3 on: Mar 12, 2016, 05:03:42 PM »
Thank you all of you, I think your comments are very wise, and I shall take them on board, the notebook is an excellent idea, will defo try that marty! :)
Thank-you again, will see how it develops and post.
« Last Edit: Mar 13, 2016, 09:19:04 AM by scouser »
One day I'll laugh about this!😑

Offline scouser

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Re: Dilema...daughter(11 year old)...
« Reply #4 on: Mar 23, 2016, 09:27:41 PM »
A breakthrough!
 For some reason my two ended up in my room sat on my bed chatting to me last night, whilst I was finishing my decorating.
I don't know if it was the relaxed atmosphere, or the fact I am finally getting this place up to some sort of standard, and so, am able to slow down and are a little less stressed!
But we chatted for the first time in ages about relationships, love, life, expectations etc...
The subject of she and I inevitably came up, this time no anger, judgement, or worry was displayed by iether.
I feel a lot happier now, just wondering if it's because they are off school?
« Last Edit: Mar 23, 2016, 09:29:52 PM by scouser »
One day I'll laugh about this!😑

Slantrhyme

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Re: Dilema...daughter(11 year old)...
« Reply #5 on: Mar 23, 2016, 10:18:35 PM »
 I think it's more difficult for kids, or indeed anyone, to get their head round a theory. When something is real it can be a lot less scary than what they imagined it to be.  I'm sure that if you're sensitive and take things steady with this woman, the kids will come around.  After all, it's better for kids to have a happy mum than an unhappy one. 

Offline Cece

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Re: Dilema...daughter(11 year old)...
« Reply #6 on: Jul 12, 2016, 10:22:27 PM »
am trying to find my 12 year old gay families...lol can we be friends:D

Offline scouser

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Re: Dilema...daughter(11 year old)...
« Reply #7 on: Jul 14, 2016, 08:59:30 PM »
Where are you? :)
One day I'll laugh about this!😑

Offline scouser

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Re: Dilema...daughter(11 year old)...
« Reply #8 on: Jul 14, 2016, 09:33:31 PM »
Update:
We don't discuss my sexuality anymore, or, the 'relationship'.
I have decided that now we are entitled to a house, I will try to move to a more secluded part of the area, away from the attention a same- sex relationship would attract.

I feel this will help my kids handle things better, I know it is cowardly, not putting 'us' out there for the world to see, but I have to think of them first!
Such is life.... :-\
One day I'll laugh about this!😑

Offline Cece

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Re: Dilema...daughter(11 year old)...
« Reply #9 on: Jul 15, 2016, 08:34:38 PM »
Where are you? :)
Am in London you? i feel if kids can see or know other gay families it makes it somewhat easier..

Offline scouser

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Re: Dilema...daughter(11 year old)...
« Reply #10 on: Jul 15, 2016, 11:34:23 PM »
Wales, so quite alone, apart from the few English people I know, (majority men, so that has it's own problem)
Yes, I agree, but the only ones here are hidden away in the mountains, only see them when they come into the town to shop! :)
One day I'll laugh about this!😑