Not sure if that is a question to me, mittens, but just to update...
After a lot of thought and talk, we decided that, short term, she will live closer to her work up here (which is an hour and a half away by train). And we will work through the types of issues touched on this thread, and see where we are at with it all in a few months' time.
I can't quite decide if this is a triumph of head over heart that I/we will come to rue.
But this thread was extremely helpful, and will continue to be.