Author Topic: Living together - wit, wisdom or warnings?  (Read 2960 times)

Daffodil

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Re: Living together - wit, wisdom or warnings?
« Reply #15 on: Nov 08, 2015, 03:01:58 PM »
I'm with Dizz.   I couldn't  live with anyone either

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Re: Living together - wit, wisdom or warnings?
« Reply #16 on: Nov 08, 2015, 05:02:11 PM »
You both must accept that you are both full of shit (in the nicest ways) and will have to alter some of the most annoying habits you have (we all have them even if we don't know about them before someone else points it out to us0 ;D)

And that is okay if you both truly want this for the right reasons. To start off with opt out scenarios and clauses is not (as far as I am concerned) the best way to start this new journey.. see it as an adventure and be willing to make mistakes. Speak about everything as and when it happens when either of you think it is an issue..

It  is important is to listen to one another.. and know that we as humans are extremely capable of change.. The only thing you need to worry about is your  (both) willingness to change... Because things will change..some small and some not so small..







 
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oldsoul

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Re: Living together - wit, wisdom or warnings?
« Reply #17 on: Nov 08, 2015, 05:09:26 PM »
It ain't easy, but best of luck and happy living together MzB.

Offline Kish

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Re: Living together - wit, wisdom or warnings?
« Reply #18 on: Nov 08, 2015, 06:26:01 PM »
i echo a lot of the sentiments previously made.

ive lived with partner(s) in the past. its respect isn't it. i knew what my niggles where after living with them for a while but having children adds a whole new dimention to it. i am very much a 'leave it how you find it' and 'put it back where you found it'  kind of girl and the previous people (adult and two children) weren't, and it drive me insane. i think if you treat people how you wonna be treated yourself then there is no going wrong. yes we all have our slip-ups and get a little slack, once in a while, everyone does, its what makes up human but as long as you don't jump to conclusions and try and put words into her mouth then there is no going wrong. relationships are basicly extended friendships. if you can strip away what makes a relationship a relationship and what you are left with is a friendship then you have the right foundations to build a future. if you don't have that...... may god bless your soul. but fulfilling each others need as well as your own and when is required is key. because what you are agreeing on now may well change down the line. i was alright living under somebody elses roof. i didn't need the security of my name being on the housing agreement. but after a while that safety blanket wasn't there and my needs weren't met and it became a slow slippery slope and i was cluthing at straws. and this person still has the audasity to wave at me in the street. moi bitter and twisted. never. the thing that broke my heart about leaving that relationship was Lotti. My cat. And anyone who knows me knows how much i loved Lotti. She was my baby. And i let her down and thats what i have to live with. But i tried to make amends with Taylor. (bengal, not an advisable cat but we worked it out in the end.) it would of been a match made in heaven but circumstances pervailed.

But this is about MzB. So best of luck, Love. Communication is key.
« Last Edit: Nov 08, 2015, 06:36:07 PM by Kish »

Offline MzB

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Re: Living together - wit, wisdom or warnings?
« Reply #19 on: Nov 09, 2015, 09:28:06 PM »
Thank you oldsoul and Ougie and Kish and Mandy.

Ougie I like what you said about seeing it as an adventure - we do! All the more adventure for being a long time coming, in my case.

Kish, I'm sorry about Lotti. I really want a pet but will wait for quite a while to see how things go.

Mandy, we have done loads of talking but it still feels like there is loads of ground to cover. Which I hope is a good thing and that we're at the start of a very very very long conversation.

Thank you all for thoughts and good wishes.

Offline Bewilderbeast

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Re: Living together - wit, wisdom or warnings?
« Reply #20 on: Nov 10, 2015, 09:05:35 AM »
My wife was the first partner I'd ever lived with (loads of house shares but never with a partner) and we moved in when I was about 37.

I was was very worried (we both were) about independence and space and stuff but actually it's mostly been easy although that doesn't mean there are no difficult bits. Definitely old childhood patterns come up, for me this is the first time I have made a family home to replace my childhood one and that's big. I'm not sure you can limit the risk by declaring it an experiment and planning an exit strategy, if it doesn't work out it's going to hurt experiment or not but the risk is easier to live with if you can both acknowledge it. The first night we sat in our newly rented flat full of boxes we were both terrified, I turned to my wife and blurted out, I'm scared!!!! and she howled back Me too!!! We both had a little cry, then a big laugh and opened some booze.

We have a rota for chores and we renegotiate that a lot depending on circumstances, we each do the job we are most fussy about. We have a joint account for the bills and food shopping but our wages come into our own accounts and then a set amount gets paid each month by standing order to the joint, (my data obsessed wife recorded all our spending for the first three months to work this out....) leaving us each with our own spending money in our own accounts. My wife ended up joining the same bank that my account and our joint account is at so we can transfer money about instantly if we need to. We also have individual and joint savings accounts, it's complicated but it works for us.

My life has changed out of all recognition, it's unavoidably a compromise from the total freedom I had as a single person. I don't feel my wife is the other half that completes me, or make me whole or that we are now one unit but that we are a commune of two individuals who have chosen to work together on life because we bring each other joy. I wish you the same.

Offline MzB

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Re: Living together - wit, wisdom or warnings?
« Reply #21 on: Nov 10, 2015, 09:17:22 AM »
Thanks so much Bewilderbeast. Your posts are always good to read. This is very reassuring - and realistic. I think we will probably plan a proper review after six moths or so rather than thinking of it as an experiment. And yes to joy! She is 62 and I am 54 so it does just feel like one big bonus. I hope we can keep that sense of gratitude going strong. 

Offline Vagabond

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Re: Living together - wit, wisdom or warnings?
« Reply #22 on: Nov 10, 2015, 07:37:56 PM »
She is moving in to your home. Start off with empty walls and invite her to put up some of her piccies, or whatever., so it also becomes her home. Hang together (literally). I moved 'in' a couple of times over the years and mostly felt that making my mark was not welcome. It was awful, I felt awful, and i vowed never to do it again.

As others have said. Have fun together!  :)
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Offline MzB

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Re: Living together - wit, wisdom or warnings?
« Reply #23 on: Nov 10, 2015, 09:47:55 PM »
Thanks Vagabond. Sorry you have sworn off cohabitation. But who knows what your rural idyll will bring?

Very pertinent point you make, as the house is, erm, a bit cluttered - and she is a minimalist. I am starting a clear out so she can bring her (minimal) stuff. She does have some biggish pictures which will hopefully wend their way here. Someone else mentioned redecorating, and that's on the cards too.

So much to do!  ???  :)

dukovearl

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Re: Living together - wit, wisdom or warnings?
« Reply #24 on: Nov 11, 2015, 07:52:51 AM »
Let her redesign the bathroom!  ;)

Offline MzB

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Re: Living together - wit, wisdom or warnings?
« Reply #25 on: Nov 11, 2015, 08:09:21 AM »
Not bleedin likely!

Offline Dizz

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Re: Living together - wit, wisdom or warnings?
« Reply #26 on: Nov 11, 2015, 08:23:39 AM »
 Not intending to put a cloud over your excitement but ^ that reminds me of the time I returned home from work to find my bathroom, not redesigned, just half of its contents removed to the bin as apparently " it was cluttered with stuff I didn't need" . Needless to say I was not impressed. :o
'' You can't turn back the clock. But you can wind it up again.''

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Offline MzB

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Re: Living together - wit, wisdom or warnings?
« Reply #27 on: Nov 11, 2015, 08:58:58 AM »
I am planning a new bathroom shelf for her as I type, Dizz. She is a 5-stage, 12 product, Eraserhead curly mop top kindofa butch.

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Re: Living together - wit, wisdom or warnings?
« Reply #28 on: Nov 11, 2015, 10:32:13 AM »
As I said in my previous posts, ''Sounds like you're covering all bases''. You sure are ! :D

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Re: Living together - wit, wisdom or warnings?
« Reply #29 on: Jan 06, 2016, 10:31:43 PM »
*raiseseyebrow enticingly*

well...

 :-*