Remember to do things by yourself, without each other. I think when you live together its very easy to end up doing everything together.
Yes, I think this is really important. She is moving into my house, but we are designating one room as 'alone space'. It's going to be a bit hard in that she doesn't know people in my local area, so we need to work on building up her social connections up here. And I am well aware of the 'merger' dangers. I think I will need to book a few evening classes!
The everyday stuff is important. Try to work out in advance where the big differences are, so you can be realistic about where you will need to compromise.
And honestly? I am not sure if a big mismatch on the clean/tidy front will ever really work. Anyone else know better?
We are having a 'workshop' on living together soon (we do formal workshops and reviews with an agenda, tongue in cheek, to negotiate stuff). This is a helpful reminder to focus on differences, LfL.
As for clean/tidy, I am a complete slattern and she is a minimalist
I think we might need a rota!
Always have your own space, never share a pet and be prepared to compromise.
It really helps if you know yourself and your partner does too. For instance do you both have deal breakers that are compatible?
One of the biggest issues in my experience is the financial side so you need to negotiate and discuss that and come to an arrangement that is comfortable for you both. Plus you need to make sure you are both approaching it from the same place I.e. Is this building a future together or addressing practical issues. How will you share the space if one of you is moving into the others home? Is there room to make it a space that is more 'ours' than 'yours' etc. Etc. That sculpture she hates but you love, could you really cope with it being in a cupboard?
Mostly you need to talk a lot about what living together looks like for each of you. How do you envisage it working, how does your partner? How will you ensure the other has space and independence and autonomy while still ensuring your own needs are met.
It's boring and not romantic all that talking and planning but getting it sorted in your own minds before you embark on it is massively important.
And really really think about what it means if it doesn't work out. Can your relationship really withstand that? I don't know that many couples who've survived living together and then living apart but if you can talk , I mean really talk to each other then that will give you a good chance.
LFL, it can work the untidy and tidy thing, i'd like to say there needs to be compromise but as the untidy one in almost all my relationships I can tell you that I do a lot of tidying and a lot of muttering under my breath.
This is really helpful Lyco, thank you. I think we really do need to talk in depth now about what happens if living together doesn't work out. We are thinking of a six month trial period but the parameters for that will need to be very clear.
I'm also wondering if we need to think about a constructive exit strategy now. Including a pet exit strategy with visitation rights!
Childhood patterns can rear up after moving in so I would be aware of any history you both have in that area too as that can help to pre-empt any problems.
It's lovely you have met someone you want to move in with anyway, hope it goes well.
The childhood pattern stuff is challenging. I'm hoping that we are old and wise enough to know ourselves and our patterns but there are no guarantees. And thank you Musicality, I think it's lovely too. And am quite amazed, in a very good way