Author Topic: Everyone I asked advice tells me 'No' to go for this woman...  (Read 1892 times)

Offline Birdwatching

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I have had a realisation that I like women early this year. I have been straight until I was 47 years old. I have never had a date with any women and I never known women actually. But I'm sure that I like women now.

I joined this online dating site in this August and got to know this woman. We've never met each other yet but we have been chatting almost every day for more than last 2 months and talk on the phone a couple times a week for last one month.
She is completely lesbian since she was teen. She knows tons of women. She is so intelligent and knowledgeable about anything. Her world is so much bigger than mine. She is very kind, genuine and supportive.  She also introduced me so many new world.

She has got various health issues. She was very honest to tell me about her illnesses at early stage when we started to chat and now she tells me more in detail about her life style.
she has faced up to the reality that everyone left with saying 'You're great but too shame that you have health problems and no work' when they knew her health issues.
But it didn't happen to me. Her illnesses and her depended life style don't bother me at all. She understands her clinical conditions very well and is incredibly strong and tries to be independent as much as possible. I've seen so many ill people due to my job (working at hospital) and her strength greatly attracts me as well as her kindness and intelligence. I've never felt that I want to stop having relationship with her, in fact, very opposite. I do want to get to know her better and support her as much as I can. However, she doesn't believe in what I'm saying to her and just keeps saying that I'm unusual. We are talking about meeting up as soon as possible when she feels better (she is in a lot of pain at the moment).

However, all my friends (straight and lesbians) who I talked about her say to me not to go for this woman. Because they say that I should know more women and have fun before settling down. And also they say that I should not look after ill person outside my job.

I know that I have to meet this woman in person and find out how I and we really feel each other. We are definitely meeting up soon or later. But I feel like that I've already known her a lot like her outlook from photos, way of talking from phone call, way of thinking and point of views from that we discussed a lot of things including serious matters.

I maybe naive but I greatly respect her and like her so very much. I've never met her but I do trust her and think I fell in love with her. Her illnesses are just surface things for me and she is so deep and complicated as a human being. I don't think that I will be able to meet someone who is kinder, more genuine and intelligence than her in the future.

Is there anyone who has a similar situation or had an experience like me?  It would be wonderful if I can share feelings and thoughts with other people. Thank you for reading my post and please forgive me that my English must be weird sometimes. I'm from Japan. Thanks again xxx



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« Last Edit: Oct 24, 2015, 07:56:47 AM by Birdwatching »

Offline pure evil

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Re: Everyone I asked advice tells me 'No' to go for this woman...
« Reply #1 on: Oct 18, 2015, 04:55:44 PM »
Hiya,
I don't really have any experience of on line dating, but at the end of the day it is you who will be having a relationship with this woman - not your friends. Respect and deep appreciation for another person seem pretty good starting points to me! I don't see why you wouldn't want to meet some one who you feel such a connection with. Disability exists, it doesn't make people less as people, also I don't think there is necessarily an expectation of wishing to be looked after. I would hate if other people judged me solely on how physically able I am. Good luck!

Offline nismat

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Re: Everyone I asked advice tells me 'No' to go for this woman...
« Reply #2 on: Oct 18, 2015, 06:30:20 PM »
I don't have similar experience, but I say go ahead and meet her. It sounds like you have a connection, and I think that you can get to know someone pretty well from chatting online. Some people may use it as a way to present only certain aspects of themselves, but not everyone, and you've clearly had pretty open discussions. Totally separate to any issues around her health etc (which aren't issues for you), I suppose that the only thing is to try not to put too many expectations on it too early. You can't know for sure how it will turn out when you do meet, and you don't need to rush into a huge commitment do you? Take your time, and have fun getting to know one another in person. Take it steady, and see where it leads you  :)

Offline Birdwatching

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Re: Everyone I asked advice tells me 'No' to go for this woman...
« Reply #3 on: Oct 18, 2015, 07:36:23 PM »
Hello pure evil

Thank you so much for your response and very supportive message.
'Disability exists, it doesn't make people less as people' Absolutely! This encouraged and made me feel so sure how I really like and respect her so much. Her greatness covers her illnesses up so easily and she is so beautiful for me just the way she is.

I became a bit unsure because all my friends were negative about her and implied what I was going to do is not realistic...but you told me that 'I' was a person who would be having a relationship with her!
Thank you very much again for your message. I do appreciate what you told me. I'll meet her and see what will happen between us xxx


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Offline Birdwatching

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Re: Everyone I asked advice tells me 'No' to go for this woman...
« Reply #4 on: Oct 18, 2015, 07:52:57 PM »
Hello nismat

Thank you very much for your positive and wise advice. Yes, we are very open and honest each other. I told her pretty much everything and even though things I've never ever told anyone so far because of feeling too embarrassed and shame. She was very supportive and accepts the way I am. I guess that she also tells me things which she feels it's hard to talk about to others.

I won't worry about what others think about her anymore! I'll meet her and take time to get to know her better! Thank you so much again for your response xxx


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Offline Blythe

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Re: Everyone I asked advice tells me 'No' to go for this woman...
« Reply #5 on: Oct 18, 2015, 09:20:35 PM »
Hello Birdwatching,

I think you should definitely meet her.  I agree with Nismat that it's possible to get to know someone online, and you are also speaking on the phone.  Have you tried skyping?  That may be a good next step. 
I've met several women through the internet.  I got to know them over months and then met them.  I didn't have any bad experiences but I did discover that I wasn't as sexually attracted to one of them as they were to me, and they were very disappointed, but the important thing is not to promise anything.

Good luck!

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Slantrhyme

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Re: Everyone I asked advice tells me 'No' to go for this woman...
« Reply #6 on: Oct 18, 2015, 10:07:13 PM »
 I agree with all the above, and the above the above, and the above the above the above as well.

Offline Birdwatching

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Re: Everyone I asked advice tells me 'No' to go for this woman...
« Reply #7 on: Oct 18, 2015, 10:23:53 PM »
Hello Blythe

Thank you very much for your response. Meeting someone online dating was very first experience for me and I think I'm very lucky to meet her. I suggested the Skype but she wasn't keen to do for some reason...anyway, yes, I think I'm going to meet her when she's ready! Thank you again for your advice xxx

PS as I mentioned earlier, I've never been in bed with any women....this makes me a bit worry honesty ...but again we discussed it as well so hopefully it will be ok...


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Offline Birdwatching

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Re: Everyone I asked advice tells me 'No' to go for this woman...
« Reply #8 on: Oct 18, 2015, 10:26:35 PM »
Hello Slantrhyme

Thank you very much for your response. Yes, I'll meet her and see what will happen to us! Thank you xxx


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oldsoul

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Re: Everyone I asked advice tells me 'No' to go for this woman...
« Reply #9 on: Oct 24, 2015, 02:59:25 PM »
Go for it. I met a woman who had health problems years back who was also wonderfully kind tolerant and intelligent. She helped me no end and it is an experience I would not have missed. Even if it doesn't work out its part of life's rich tapestry. You already have good communication so it's worth a try.

Offline Birdwatching

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Everyone I asked advice tells me 'No' to go for this woman...
« Reply #10 on: Oct 24, 2015, 09:14:46 PM »
Hi oldsoul

Thank you so much for your response and letting me know your experience.

I appreciate both supportive opinions: go for it and think carefully. People here are so nice and genuine to give advice to people. I'm really happy to be here now!

I honestly thought about things such as her medical conditions, the way of living, etc. etc....especially after I met her in person seriously. Obviously she was different from what I expected from previous thoughts and the first meeting was not perfect for me. But I still like her so so much. I even don't know myself why she attracts me like this. I've never met someone like her in my life and she is so beautiful for me as the way she is. She is just amazing for me.

So I've decided to go for this woman! Who knows what's going to happen between her and me but I want to be with her.

Thank you again for your advice, oldsoul xx




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« Last Edit: Oct 24, 2015, 10:37:25 PM by Birdwatching »

Offline Lust for Life

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Re: Everyone I asked advice tells me 'No' to go for this woman...
« Reply #11 on: Oct 25, 2015, 02:22:05 AM »
Ah, but does she feel the same way about you? ;)

About the friends who tell you to play around before settling down: that is the modern way etc, and most people think this way. But only you know yourself, and if you don't feel the need to 'play the field' then that is entirely up to you.

I know someone who came out later in life and was told the same thing by well-meaning friends.

Luckily for me she knew her own mind. We've been together for more than 10 years now and she still tells me she has no wish to see what she missed elsewhere.

And many many many years earlier a girlfriend asked me repeatedly if I didn't regret settling down with her - it turned out she regretted settling down with me ::).

Basically, it's up to you how you live your life, and if people try to tell you how to think and what to do then really, it's none of their business.

Offline Birdwatching

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Everyone I asked advice tells me 'No' to go for this woman...
« Reply #12 on: Oct 25, 2015, 03:54:56 AM »
Hi Lust for Life

No...she doesn't. She is positive about me but she doesn't feel for me at all like I do for her. She is very cautious and realistic. But I want to be with her so much. I want to do something for her so much. And surely this will be my happiness. I just can't imagine my life without her. She is such a meaning for me now. It's ego, isn't it....

But I do understand I will have to prepare when things doesn't turn out like I want. Finally if she says that she cannot feel like I feel, then at that time I'll give up her....

I'm very glad to hear that you and your partner have been building up such a beautiful relationship! That's what I want it happen with this woman. Hope your relationship with your partner will be even greater in the future

Yes. I don't need to know and don't want to play with any other women before settling down. I know about myself.

Your advice encouraged me a lot! Thank you so so much, Lust for Life xxx



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« Last Edit: Oct 25, 2015, 04:27:23 AM by Birdwatching »

Offline Lust for Life

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Re: Everyone I asked advice tells me 'No' to go for this woman...
« Reply #13 on: Oct 25, 2015, 08:35:48 AM »
Hi Birdwatching,

I am going to give you some advice but of course it's up to you what you do with it ;D

Part of your last post suggests you want to look after her. That is of course normal when you love someone. But have you checked that there is a balance? In what ways do you want her to look after you? And in what ways does she want to look after you? A partnership is ideally equal, though it's not always balanced out in the same way for everyone.

What I am trying to say is, similar to some of the things your friends say, but with more nuance: if you want to be her private nurse, that's unusual in a healthy relationship. This might be the reason your love is rejecting you. Talk to her about what she is looking for in a relationship, and be realistic about whether or not you can offer that.

The world is full of wonderful people, but they don't all fit with each other in a best fit. If this doesn't work out, try to work out what was wonderful and what didn't work. Then you will be closer to working out what kind of relationship will work in the future with someone else. That seems harsh but it's not meant that way. Someone I loved very much in the past helped me to raise my standards about what I wanted in a relationship and I will always be grateful for that. I don't miss her, even though I was crazy about her at the time.

So, even if this doesn't become the relationship of your dreams, you might be able to look back on it with fondness and gratitude for what it has brought you. Whichever way, it can improve your life.

Good luck!

Offline Birdwatching

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Everyone I asked advice tells me 'No' to go for this woman...
« Reply #14 on: Oct 25, 2015, 11:05:37 AM »
Hello again Lust for Life

Firstly I really want to say thank you to you for that you gave me such a sincere and honest advice. I was filled with tears.

I think that she will hate me if the reason of that I want to be with her is looking after her physically. And I too hate to think that I feel sympathy with her and I don't feel so at all. Illnesses are just superficial matters of her. I don't know whether you believe it or not, but her health problems are not big issues at all for me. She knows and copes with them so so well and there is nothing I can do for her about it.

It's very hard to explain but I fell in love with her sense of humanity which gives me strength, kindness, thoughtfulness and beautiful sense of being. Her each word is full of wisdom as a deep and complicated human being. Her greatness teaches me to become wiser, be free from fixed narrow mind and simply be kind to others and yourself. Yes, she maybe eccentric (lol) and stubborn in some ways (!!!) but for me they are extraordinarily beautiful nature and I've never met anyone who has such awesome and rich sense of being. I love her just as the way she is.

We now know that we are so different from each other and so unusual compared to others. But we both want to have someone who is special for you. I believe this attracted us to have met and now we are going to grow some relationships.

I think that she looks and will look after me in the way of helping me improve my attitude towards life. She is so supportive mentally. And hopefully I can look after her in the way of showing and giving deep trust towards her which will ease her broken heart. Of course I do think we can look after each other in the way of practicality. She knows so many things and I call her 'human google' (lol). She can look after me in the way of intelligence: giving so much information about everything. I, although it is classic, love cooking and baking so I can look after her tummy (lol).

We have talked about 'balance' which is needed for everything to work well, including human relationships.

But yes, I do understand what you told me. If my feelings at last don't reach her heart and our relationship doesn't grow as I wanted, then all will still become treasure of my life!

Thank you so much again for your advice. It gave me a great opportunity to think why I like her so much and how I want our relationship to go.....

PS please forgive me if I didn't make any sense. I blame on my rubbish brain cause of the morning after night duty



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« Last Edit: Oct 27, 2015, 09:17:06 AM by Birdwatching »