Author Topic: Frustration.......How do you handle it?  (Read 1070 times)

Offline KJTheFemme

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Frustration.......How do you handle it?
« on: Aug 16, 2015, 12:45:38 PM »
OK, I have tried to be careful not to come across as too " desperate" and only really hinted every now and then in posts at my lack of patience, mainly because I feel somewhat embarrassed that I am struggling to find kinky connections.
Almost as if it says something about me and my lack of desirability but this morning I am overwhelmed with frustration and even tears.  :-[ :-[

So I'm asking your advice...

Its been what feels like ages and even though i have communicated with some seemingly nice people online in hopes of a match they are few and far between and I find myself getting so incredibly frustrated. To the point where masturbation is a fucking tear filled let down and hot frustrated tears just plop on my pillow.

It takes so much time finding matches, or is it just me? Im definitely feeling wobbly because of it and I know im not the most patient person in he world but this is driving me crazy!!  :-\

I don't want to come across as desperate to potentials so I keep it pretty low key in my correspondences and im very measured in my replies but inside I'm reeling. I am trying to exercise prudence.

I am speaking to one person but it feels like ages before our date and even then, I probably won't do anything because no negotiation or play has been planned. Its just a face to face meet up to see if any chemistry exists in person.

So what do you do in the absence of play partners or when you are so frustrated with waiting you could literally scream? Or could it be that I am just missing something? :-\


KJ xoxo
« Last Edit: Aug 16, 2015, 12:48:35 PM by KJTheFemme »
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Offline marzipan gnome

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Re: Frustration.......How do you handle it?
« Reply #1 on: Aug 16, 2015, 04:36:48 PM »
Kickstarter…

We have all been there or are there, where we have no one, no partner, no lover or play buddy. 

I don’t think there is any magical answer and everyone will have their way, whether it be to keep plugging away so to speak, or busy themselves with other things in their lives, or something totally different. 

A mental shift perhaps?  Clearly, you are desirable – the other person taking up the sofa right? But what we like and do reduces our pool of choice and them some, as over time we understand what and who we like and how important certain needs, wants or likes are.  That is not a bad thing.  It just reduces the likelihood of too much bad sex, dodgy play and emotional dramas.

And so you have this ‘getting to know you’ date coming up. So you’re saying someone maybe finds you a bit desirable?  ;)   Ok, so it might be further away than you would like but it is something positive to look forward to none the less.  Imagine, if you did not even have that to look forward to?   

Offline pure evil

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Re: Frustration.......How do you handle it?
« Reply #2 on: Aug 16, 2015, 05:02:09 PM »
Hello! For the sake of clarity I just want to say that what I'm going to write is MY experience - so it may not be the same for you.

When I've been feeling very frustrated/lonely or needy, focussing in on that and trying to 'solve' it hasn't worked too well - the main result has been making me very focused on 'the problem'.

Personally I've very seldom, if ever met kink play or sexual partners on line. I've made LOADS of friends, but I seem to be the sort of person who needs to get a sense of chemistry in person. That might be the most brief meeting, from there often lots of conversation has taken place on line, but I need to see, sense, smell..whatever...to really get a sense of chemistry.

Speaking of chemistry - some will disagree - but I don't always limit my play to only those I feel the sizzle of chemistry with, which has helped majorly with the 'frustration' aspect.

I've played with people who are bloody well charming and polite, who make good conversation, who treat me with respect, who seem to be well integrated into and taking part in building their kinky community, who offer skill sets or good matches for kinds of play I like. Sometimes this can feel clunky or awkward at the beginning of a scene, some times not! Many times I've realised chemistry isn't everything. Often the ability to form deeper connections has grown overtime. I've made some solid perve friendships, some good kinky friends with benefits relationships, I've played A LOT.

It might also be that I'm a bit suspicious of what I perceive as chemistry... I look back with the gift of hindsight at some connections and think 'oops, maybe that was more like the sizzle of my fragile ego being reflected back at me via approval'.  :-[ ::)

With finding people: go to events, go to parties, munches, conferences, workshops. Learn skills, having skills to offer is damn handy!! Know what you are into so you can tell other people, I'm NOT a big technical player, but I AM a dynamic player.

Do service in the community by helping to organise stuff. If the event you want is not there, then think about making it happen yourself. IF you have any desire to get out on stage *ahem* ...I have to say this will do your sex/play life no.harm.whatsoever. 

And above all else DO OTHER THINGS, there is a huge life out there .... kink (or whatever intense issue I choose to stare at on any given day) is but one aspect.

Offline KJTheFemme

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Re: Frustration.......How do you handle it?
« Reply #3 on: Aug 17, 2015, 09:57:55 AM »

Good morning,
Thank you both for responding. God yesterday was a rubbish day. Looking back on my post I was indeed feeling sorry for myself.  I've got some much needed sleep and even though everything I wrote still holds true I am in a better place to read and reply today.

@mg- Thank you. Your ability to look on the bright side always makes me smile.  :-*
I definitely need a mental shift, kink is not by any means my main focus but when ones life is dominated by vanilla responsibilities it can feel overwhelming not having a release/ outlet. I'm not one for routine "hobbies" I get bored easily. As for the other person on the sofa, well my sofa has more space on it these days, I will fill you in when I see you soon.

I am excited about my date coming up, it is promising. I do need more patience I know but if I tell you how long it's been since I've had sex you'd probably fall off your chair  :o.  I guess seeing all my lovely buddies telling wonderful tales of all the excitement and adventures they are having as much as I am excited for them I think I also get a bit glum at times.

You are absolutely right about our needs, wants and desires having the potential to reduce the chances of emotional drama and bad sex but I guess it can also reduce potential suitors. But I'm too old and experieced to change my preferences and mutual chemistry/ desire is one of those things. I've always been very selective according to my friends so I guess I just have to chill out until I find it and accept it may not be in abundance and learn to just be OK with that.

@ PE- Thank you too for sharing your experience. Your perspective is interesting, again I think if I could enjoy things without the need for "chemistry" as I know it then more doors would open but I guess it is what it is. I have no desire to " suck it and see" when it comes  to my body and being intimate especially as a submissive, may be as a Dominant my thinking would be different, or maybe not, who knows but I'm uncompromising on that aspect.

Whenever I have felt chemistry my instinct and choices have been good ones and with sound individuals whom I have really got along with, its when I haven't had the presence of chemistry/attraction and gone for it anyway I've come a cropper.

Your experience/suggestion of getting out and about is a great one. Its not a luxury I personally am afforded and often things are at a time when its impossible to attend even though I want to, being a full time mum and homemaker and educator, so when I hop online ( more accessible) or socialise ( which isn't often) its my only opportunity to try and find matches and connect with my friends, new and old, in the community in real time.

Also as I am only interested in certain sexual orientations so going to mixed events ( of which there are plenty) is not an option I would even entertain, so the best medium for me is[\i] online in the absence of abundant events where I can meet others in the LGBTQ community. So online it may appear to be a/my focus but it really is only 5% ( if that) of my life.

And whilst I'm only able to sit online talking about it most others I know are out there doing it or prepping for it so of course it seems that way.  I have no desire to be on a stage ( haha!) And volunteering is a good suggestion but again not really taking into account my personal circumstances, although, others may well benefit from that. :)

I sincerely appreciate your views and insights as well as taking the time to share with me your experiences. I knew here would be the best place to air my frustration and get feedback. :-*

KJ xoxo
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lil_moomin

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Re: Frustration.......How do you handle it?
« Reply #4 on: Aug 25, 2015, 11:51:44 AM »
I've only just read this. You're lovely xxx. I think sometimes it's just circumstantial? I know you don't get out to a lot of stuff... I know it's difficult. I think it would HELP! (as has been said in this thread! :) ) but I appreciate from what you've said you feel stuck. Tbh, I can understand not going to mixed events. My recent experience of them has been ultra crappy (I can feel free to say this here). Crap!

I have no advice, apart from enjoy your date  :D

Honestly, I think it's because what you're looking for is very, very specific.

Or there are other factors when you actually find it - for example, distance - I think you and a certain someone would be great together  but when you find someone like that, odds are they're not going to be on your doorstep, sadly.

xx

Offline KJTheFemme

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Re: Frustration.......How do you handle it?
« Reply #5 on: Aug 25, 2015, 12:59:17 PM »
Hey you!

Is what I'm looking for really very specific? I honestly thought a confident, intelligent butch Domme open or poly wouldn't be so hard to find. Or maybe I've made it sound too specific in someway. ???

However, I do think that my lack of motivation to partake in public play and playing with certain types of individuals does have it's drawbacks but those are ones im willing to live with. I am definitely looking forward to Berlin next year and recently looked at WISH events, going to research more as that sounds like I place I may just enjoy for a week  :D. And taking onboard what PE said, I think I might volunteer as a helper should I decide the event is for me. That way I don't have to play but I can meet others and get familiar with the community and different types of play/ dynamics without feeling self conscious or anxious.

I too am looking forward to my date...Friday!!! Arrgghh! But its just lunch and nothing is happening but talking.
As for that other person, no, I'm not so sure we'd be a good fit. I think they'd also agree.

Thanks for stopping by, its always nice to hear others views and I really appreciate outside perspectives on my situation based on what I have shared and alternatives to that.

KJ xoxo
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lil_moomin

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Re: Frustration.......How do you handle it?
« Reply #6 on: Aug 25, 2015, 06:01:27 PM »
Awww... I guess it's just cos I think you and the other person are so nice - but you're right that it may not be a good match... I guess I just meant that it's unfortunate that WHEN you do find a good match they might not be right on your doorstep. As I know  :'(.

I thought you had a height thingy that was specific! But I could be wrong - easily.

I don't play in public. So you're not alone in that :).

Oooh Friday isn't far away!

I think the volunteering thing is a really good idea.

:)