Author Topic: Imposter Syndrome  (Read 2130 times)

Offline KateTempest

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Imposter Syndrome
« on: Jul 11, 2015, 11:38:00 PM »
Please tell me it's not just me who has to give up and laugh at the absurdities of feeling you're not a good enough lesbian?

My situation is that, when I was a teenager, I came out to my parents, who were horrified and told me not to mention such a thing again until I was grown up, as I was far too young to know. I ended up in relationships with men, and it was fine, but periodically I ended up with women. Recently, I got out of the last relationship (and again, with my family and some friends feeling strongly that this wasn't real and was a mistake). So, I've always been told that my attraction to women was just an illusion, something I was confused about.

I realised the other day how daft this is. I've (once again) met a gorgeous, sexy woman whom I really, really like. And my instant worry was: argh, what will she do when she realises I am not a real lesbian? What will happen when I stop being attracted to her and it all turns out to be an illusion?

I am aware this is absurd, and that, y'know, I probably could use the fact I'm attracted to women as a reasonable clue as to my sexuality, but I can't shake this odd feeling that other people must know best if they say I'm confused.

Please reassure me it's not just me, and it is just the hetero-patriarchy playing games with my mind?  ;)
Not, sadly, the real KT. But I do love how she writes.

OnMyWay

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Re: Imposter Syndrome
« Reply #1 on: Jul 12, 2015, 12:47:12 AM »
It's not just you, and it is the hetero-patriarchy playing games with your mind.

For real.

Forgive me being so forward but maybe you want to re-assess some of your friendships if they are adding to this?  Often other people do not know best, and those who think they do are not necessarily good people to be around.

Offline MzB

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Re: Imposter Syndrome
« Reply #2 on: Jul 12, 2015, 12:51:33 AM »
Also, do you think you might be bisexual?

Not to dismiss the hetero-patriarchy.

OnMyWay

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Re: Imposter Syndrome
« Reply #3 on: Jul 12, 2015, 12:51:45 AM »
I know lots of lesbian women who do not feel "good enough" or "lesbian enough".  Same goes for many bisexual women too, as in not feeling "whatever enough".  I guess probably a lot of straight women have a sense of not being "something enough" - it seems to go with being a woman in a patriarchal world.

 You aren't alone in feeling that, but really?  There is no "good enough", not in that sense.  Or in other words, we are all precisely good enough.

Offline Chewwy

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Re: Imposter Syndrome
« Reply #4 on: Jul 12, 2015, 01:09:49 AM »
Aye, it's bullshit and the 21st century.  Go with the flow and what feels right for you.

Friends and family come around.  Imagine if you went with every piece of advice from your parents.

BTW, I came out late and was very relieved to do so.
Hear me RoaaAAARRRRRrrrrr.......... purrrrRRRR.

Offline KateTempest

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Re: Imposter Syndrome
« Reply #5 on: Jul 12, 2015, 12:18:17 PM »
It's not just you, and it is the hetero-patriarchy playing games with your mind.

For real.

Forgive me being so forward but maybe you want to re-assess some of your friendships if they are adding to this?  Often other people do not know best, and those who think they do are not necessarily good people to be around.

 ;D Good!

And yes ... but mostly, the friends are the well-meaning kind, not the 'giant repressed homophobe' kind.
Not, sadly, the real KT. But I do love how she writes.

Offline KateTempest

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Re: Imposter Syndrome
« Reply #6 on: Jul 12, 2015, 12:19:42 PM »
Also, do you think you might be bisexual?

Not to dismiss the hetero-patriarchy.

I am bi, ish, but have a bad habit of using terms interchangeably, because I'm thinking back to when I first came out, when I didn't know I was bi. Apologies if it offends - it's not intended as bi erasure, just figuring out where on the line I want to sit.  :)
Not, sadly, the real KT. But I do love how she writes.

Offline KateTempest

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Re: Imposter Syndrome
« Reply #7 on: Jul 12, 2015, 12:20:34 PM »
Thanks OnMyWay and Chewwy - not quoting your posts (I'm still getting the hand of this forum, sorry), but thanks for lovely support.
Not, sadly, the real KT. But I do love how she writes.

Offline tin-tin-tin

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Re: Imposter Syndrome
« Reply #8 on: Aug 02, 2015, 11:22:19 PM »
Oh absolutely. I know pretty exactly where on the line I sit- at the very  gay end.
But sometimes I feel like I am not 100% exclusive in my attractions to women- you know, men are people to, they have the bits that I dislike, but other than that- there might be somebody who tickles my attention as  a person.
Or- I might just be ovulating.
Either way- it is both inconsequential AND it made me feel like a not good enough lesbian for years. Its horrible.
I wonder if it is internalised homophobia, or biphobia, or both- but it sucks.

Offline KateTempest

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Re: Imposter Syndrome
« Reply #9 on: Aug 21, 2015, 09:54:23 PM »
I just saw your post - thanks so much for replying. It's interesting (and sooo reassuring) you say you get the same thing despite being much more polarised than I think I am.

Thanks for the reassurance.  :)
Not, sadly, the real KT. But I do love how she writes.

Slantrhyme

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Re: Imposter Syndrome
« Reply #10 on: Aug 22, 2015, 11:51:00 AM »
 I think it's just a consequence of identifying as other.   From the outside, we feel the need to be bullet proof in our identity, and on the inside because we're other, we feel the need to have a  label, some sort of tribe to ally ourselves with, because if we're not a something then what are we? .  Either way it's all pretty arbitrary. Labels are a comfort blanket, they give us a muster point and something to rally behind,and in that sense they are very useful,  but they only really  tell us what we are not.
 As for the OP, yes, it's the heteronormative patriarchy.   

Lydia

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Re: Imposter Syndrome
« Reply #11 on: Aug 29, 2015, 06:03:06 AM »
I think, hope, I understand who and what I am, or would like to be recognised as, but I feel my version of my identity/personality is not recognised by others.

The idea always being, I guess, that, according to who is judging you, their version is always superimposed onto your personality etc. There's no way round that. I am 'visible' as a lesbian, but still my identity, as perceived by others is a misrepresentation of my values, which does rankle me.

It is the idea that you sort of 'frament' when exposed to others critical eyes on you, which conflicts with any self-esteem you might have. So yes, definitely the heteronormative patriarchy distorts the realities of most people's identities. Sad facts of life..