Author Topic: Advice please re 'straight' woman with feelings for 'closet' lesbian  (Read 2964 times)

Offline Belle Piper

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Hi,

Hope I'm posting this in the right place! Hoping for advice please (or maybe anyone who can relate and give me hope that I haven't totally lost a friend).

I have previously identified as 'straight' (married 16 yrs, divorced, 2 relationships with men since) but developed strong feelings over time for a friend of mine who is a closet lesbian. Have been attracted to women before but this was the first time I've ever felt basically smacked in the face by really strong feelings (I'm in love with her, not the blind kind of love if you know what I mean).

I knew there was a risk that I would lose her friendship if I told her I had feelings but I also wanted to be honest with her about my feelings having changed. We met for coffee and I was careful not to blurt it all out, we just chatted. She said she had not thought of me in that way, considered me as a friend, would not rule out being attracted to me in the future. For my part, I just left it that I had told her and the ball was in her court if she wanted to see where it could go.

Things were fine for a while. We continued going out regularly as friends, in fact were in more frequent contact and went out every weekend (just the two of us and with others too). We didn't speak of feelings at all, just carried on as we were before. She has blown lukewarm and cold over the last month or so (she was like this before I told her how I felt). More because I needed to know where I stood, I told her earlier this week that my feelings were the same. She doesn't feel that way for me. I'm totally clear on that now and though it hurts it's fine. I'm a big girl and I'll get over it.

My problem now is that she seems to have gone ice cold again. She sat with me today but barely spoke with me and later on seemed to be avoiding me. We are in the same social group so unless I leave it (which I don't particularly want to do as I have built good friendships) we will still see each other regularly.

I've obviously made her feel uncomfortable somehow (I tried so hard not to) and I can accept she sees me as a friend only and that there needs to be space. I just don't know what to do now. How can I rectify things when she won't communicate about how she would want to go forward or not with the friendship?

She's happy for me to talk things through with others in our circle as long as I don't 'out' her. I feel hurt and rejected just now but don't want to allow any negative feelings I have to affect her adversely. I'm more worried I have killed the friendship as she now seems so cold towards me.

I'd really appreciate any advice.

Thanks. :)

Offline Jenny Talia

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I can see two, possibly three, potential problems here for her.  First she's closeted, so your feelings always put her at risk of outing her.  Being closeted really isn't a safe place to me so that's probably playing on her mind. 
She has a friend who fancies her, but she doesn't fancy back, and that has the potential to be awkward, maybe she's finding it really hard to be herself around you.  The fact that you are straight quite possibly complicates it for her as you're not someone she probably ever expected to develop feelings for her. 
And a lot of people assume it must be flattering to have a friend who fancies you, but not everyone is flattered by it.  Not that we have any way of knowing if that is an issue for her, but it is likely she's just needing time to work out how to deal with it herself. 
The most you can do is just not take it personally.  You can't help your feelings for her, and she can't help her reaction.  Hopefully if you just wait it out you'll be able to retain the friendship.  Good luck x
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Offline Plus One

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Tricky one really... but the only thing you can do is stop talking to her about it.

If she is a lesbian in the closet part of her worry, apart form any she has about having a woman fancy her when she doesn't reciprocate, might be that you will somehow inadvertently out her.

In any case... if you talk about it more it will seem like you are not able to deal with the 'going nowhere' aspect of it. The more you talk about it to try to resolve it, really the worse it will be.

If you leave it, continue in your social group as normal...don't make any special effort to try to speak to her, or seek her out, or have any declarations, I would imagine she will relax again and you can go back to where you were. Attempting to 'fix' things will only backfire. Sometimes it's better to leave well alone, I would think this is one of those times.

It requires self-restraint and it's not very nice for you but it's the best chance you have I think.
I wish you luck.
 :)

Edited: (overlap with Jenny...sorry for any repetition)

Offline Belle Piper

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Hi Jenny and Plus One,

Thank you both for your words of wisdom. :)

We've had a short exchange of texts since this morning and she apologised for her coolness, she was just feeling unwell. She came to look for me later but I'd gone home. I guess I'm possibly a little bit paranoid at having damaged the friendship.

I have only ever spoken twice about how I feel for her. The first time she seemed to be hovering between considering dating and just staying friends. She apologised for being non-committal. The second time I mentioned it was only for clarification of where I stood and I have that now. I accept that we will only ever be friends and would much rather have her in my life as a friend than not at all.

You both made very good points and I'm just going to give it time and space now. That she sent me a text after this morning helps me to understand that she does value the friendship and I know it will just take time for things to settle to what they were before I said anything about how much I cared.

Thanks again for taking time to respond. I very much appreciate it.  :) x


Offline valerie

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sometimes people  just play games
            or
they are wondering about themselves,sincerely
                    or
the "straight" woman may be bisexual
????????????????????
   ???????????????????

Offline Belle Piper

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Well, I realised in not straight but not putting a label on myself right now.

Had lots of mixed messages from her since this last post but realised she was just happy about the attention and not interested in anything else. Kind of feels like she's been playing games a bit but I'm clear and scared to death the future but have got to think of myself.

I'm not sure how the friendship is going to go forward, if at all right now as I broke off contact. Felt it was unfair for her to keep me close with no intention of more. Hoping some space will help but I finally had the closure I needed.