Author Topic: Renegotiating formerly mono relationship - possible?  (Read 3663 times)

Offline outoforder

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Re: Renegotiating formerly mono relationship - possible?
« Reply #30 on: Mar 30, 2015, 10:29:09 PM »

Offline Blythe

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Re: Renegotiating formerly mono relationship - possible?
« Reply #31 on: Mar 30, 2015, 10:35:26 PM »

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Offline Jenny Talia

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Re: Renegotiating formerly mono relationship - possible?
« Reply #32 on: Mar 30, 2015, 11:30:24 PM »
Wow, you're in love and it is awful to read.

Especially since the rest of us seem completely unable to see what you see.  She's straight and in a relationship with a woman.  Obviously it's not unusual, a lot of us have seen lesbian/ straight couplings before.  You're clearly pushing some of her buttons, only now you've realised that you're not able to be everything she wants anymore. 
15 years is a long time, you have both done well.  A lot of relationships which are more evenly matched (gay/gay, or het/het) would have ended long before the two of you, only now it seems like her affair has brought all of your issues out of the closet. 
Personally I can't see how you are going to move on from here.  She's already told you she's straight, she never saw you as a 'forever' partner, and now she sees potential in this man.  It really looks like it's over.  I know it sucks.  When my ex-wife ended our relationship I was devastated.  I even hung around for a while hoping she would change her mind as she told me she still loved me.  But eventually I thought about what I wanted, and what I didn't want was a relationship with someone who wasn't fully able to commit.  Someone who could walk out on our marriage and yet still expect to hang onto my love by dangling a carrot in front of my face. 
It's tough, but it sounds like you two have a good, solid foundation in order to remain as friends.  Just not long term partners any more. 
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Offline blue_eyes

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Re: Renegotiating formerly mono relationship - possible?
« Reply #33 on: Mar 30, 2015, 11:51:30 PM »
« Last Edit: Sep 12, 2015, 12:47:08 AM by blue_eyes »

Offline Another Dyke :/

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Re: Renegotiating formerly mono relationship - possible?
« Reply #34 on: Mar 31, 2015, 11:45:40 PM »
..we all [/u]wish you luck in the journey ahead, blue eyes.. - that we thinking of you.. will get better..don't wish them bad, wish them nothing
something that helped me was..i wished them well over the you..i knew could not compete with a man. Wishing them well, is HARD, but if you do it once, sincerely! it is like a closure helps you Heal. You would not want someone to hate and wish your new relationship bad, people move helped me.
Soon after i'd done that..i started 'noticing' other women. I feel honest and fair.
Ofcourse i'm still a scruffy..but, that may change soon - I went to a Talk this evening and I feel inspired, it was about Work.
i'm sat in the RFH Central London, dreaming of girls, thinking of the rest of my evening..wishing I had someone new, too! I long for someone. Life is hard, but it is also as !hard as you let it be. Let the change in your circumstances happen, it will bring different thinking..
World stay connected to me! Focus on your life, blue you forget her! Limit your day TWO mins moping, make sure you move on, put in that effort!!
btw..i don't know how but did not mean to underline so much of it. Boo-HOO!  ??? ::)

« Last Edit: Mar 31, 2015, 11:50:26 PM by Completely Pink :) »
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Offline tin-tin-tin

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Re: Renegotiating formerly mono relationship - possible?
« Reply #35 on: Apr 05, 2015, 02:57:51 PM »
A bit late to the thread.
I've read somewhere that sometimes people who are careful to not be hurtful, end up hurting others the most.
Don't be afraid to hurt each other through breaking up.

I don't think opening the relationship up makes any sense.

Poly relationships are ALSO based on commitment, but she has made it clear from the start that she does not want to commit to you, I don't see how a poly relationship could work here.
The way I see it would end up would be: Open relationship->you negotiate, negotiate, and eventually to balance shifts to the guy becoming her primary partner-> he starts to demand that they close their relationship to you. End of story.

15 years is a long time to spend in a relationship which was always destined for a break up- I think the time has come to do it, the longer you wait, the more self-esteem you lose, the more dependent on the relationship you'll become, the more difficult it will be to leave, whilst at the same time the relationship will become worse.

At the very least take some time off- spend some time on your own or with your friends, take a break- put thinking about the relationship on hold for few days, get some distance and perspective from the relationship and her.

You deserve a relationship where you are appreciated as a sexual being & not just as a 'beautiful person'.

Offline scouser

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Re: Renegotiating formerly mono relationship - possible?
« Reply #36 on: Apr 05, 2015, 05:12:05 PM »
Just seen this, in some ways it mirrors, albeit from an opposite spectrum, my own situation in reverse order! That probably doesn't make much sense, but I'll try and give some advice, clarity.
The others are all right in their way about your situation, but I doubt it is easy hearing it right now, you probably are just wishing someone would say it doesn't matter, it's not iether of your faults, talk it through and everything will be o.k. She will leave him after discovering her mistake, fall madly in love with you, and want to be a full-time, sexually active lesbian partner with you, I would love to be the one to give you this hope, but sorry, I can't, I think much of what Slanty said is fairly acurate.
Poly won't work, she's kept you as a safety net, found a fella, and now, unfortunately, your surplus to requirements.
The fact you havn't been having a sexual, passionate, active relationship should have always had you questioning your relationship, personally, it would have constantly made me feel insecure.
But sex isn't everything, and some people manage to maintain a relationship this way. However, she made it clear, it wasn't forever, and maintained she wasn't a lesbian, so, perhaps you burried those facts in your subconscious, hoping she would change.
Move on, let her go, and don't have her back, if, or whenever the fling with this guy ends, because there will be others, inevitably! You sound lovely, find yourself someone who is committed, loves and appreciates you, and will not cheat, because however you spread it, she did cheat, and that, is not something a very strong, passionate caring relationship would come back from easilly, never mind a semi-strong one, the friendship you shared, was maybe, really, just that, not a relationship. :-\ Good luck, hugs, best wishes and possitive thoughts sent! :)
One day I'll laugh about this!😑