Author Topic: Renegotiating formerly mono relationship - possible?  (Read 3599 times)

Offline blue_eyes

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Renegotiating formerly mono relationship - possible?
« on: Mar 29, 2015, 02:35:20 PM »
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« Last Edit: Sep 12, 2015, 12:42:27 AM by blue_eyes »

Offline Blythe

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Re: Renegotiating formerly mono relationship - possible?
« Reply #1 on: Mar 29, 2015, 03:25:30 PM »
Hello Blue eyes,

Firstly, I know what you're feeling.   Absolutely sick making and gut wrenching.  The feeling of betrayal. 

Years ago I was in a very long term relationship with a man and he was unfaithful and I was floored by the overwhelming feeling of betrayal. 
However after the initial shock past, I realised that there was so much wrong with the sex in the relationship that it was almost inevitable. 

I'm not excusing your partner, but it gives you the opportunity to negotiate a new open relationship. 
If you can get over her being with a man then she has to let you have other lovers. 


Its worth a try.   

Big hug to you

X.
'Someone take Blythe's mobile phone off her before she says something silly'           kitty

Offline pure evil

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Re: Renegotiating formerly mono relationship - possible?
« Reply #2 on: Mar 29, 2015, 04:44:56 PM »
OW, that sounds a painful place to be in.  :-\

On a basic level I do think it's possible to negotiate from mono to poly, but my experience has been that this is more difficult than starting out poly to begin with. When I've been in a monogamous relationship, altering that long term structure and some of the beliefs entangled with being mono has been hard.

Blue eyes, you are coming to this with a lot of  other aspects present. Did your partner tell you they were having an affair, or did you just 'find out' some how? I think the honesty of a full disclosure from a partner and a willingness to work it through would make a lot of difference to me. I would need a commitment to that connection.

I'm something of an extreme optimist when it comes to the idea of being able to work through things, but I've been proved painfully wrong in the past. I think care, honesty, commitment, communication skills, kindness, patience and amazing boundaries are needed... a whole swag of skills that not every one has.

Good wishes to you and take care of your heart.

Offline blue_eyes

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Re: Renegotiating formerly mono relationship - possible?
« Reply #3 on: Mar 29, 2015, 05:03:05 PM »
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« Last Edit: Sep 12, 2015, 12:42:57 AM by blue_eyes »

Offline Blythe

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Re: Renegotiating formerly mono relationship - possible?
« Reply #4 on: Mar 29, 2015, 05:10:16 PM »
That's really unfair of her.  You could ONLY negotiate a poly situation if you are the primary relationship.

I don'tt want to make you feel worse, but when she says it could develop with him, do you think she may mean that she would consider having a baby with him?

« Last Edit: Mar 29, 2015, 06:59:50 PM by Blythe »
'Someone take Blythe's mobile phone off her before she says something silly'           kitty

Offline Grey

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Re: Renegotiating formerly mono relationship - possible?
« Reply #5 on: Mar 29, 2015, 05:40:46 PM »
However misguided-- your intentions for going on facebook were benign and even sweet
so don't let that be taken out of context or proportion

Whatever you do however you work this out you seriously have to look after yourself first- your safety your health your feelings your future
Which is hard to think about when you're in shock-but that needs to be your focus right now

Take good care of yourself
 



Offline blue_eyes

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Re: Renegotiating formerly mono relationship - possible?
« Reply #6 on: Mar 29, 2015, 09:02:46 PM »
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« Last Edit: Sep 12, 2015, 12:43:14 AM by blue_eyes »

Offline Blythe

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Re: Renegotiating formerly mono relationship - possible?
« Reply #7 on: Mar 29, 2015, 09:09:09 PM »
Oh dear, it's very hard for you.

I suppose you just have to talk it all out.  If you both communicate honestly, maybe there is a way through.
'Someone take Blythe's mobile phone off her before she says something silly'           kitty

Offline fetishkitty

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Re: Renegotiating formerly mono relationship - possible?
« Reply #8 on: Mar 29, 2015, 09:24:11 PM »
That's really unfair of her.  You could ONLY negotiate a poly situation if you are the primary relationship.



I don't agree. You and your partner are free to negotiate any kind of relationship structure you want. The key is that you both have to consent to your new relationship. Many many poly people do not use a hierarchical structure (primary/secondary relationships) at all. So, there's always that option.

There are a couple of good resources I would recommend:
More Than Two
And a book called 'Rewriting the Rules' by Meg John Barker. I think this book may really help both of you think about what you would like your relationship, commitment and sexual relationship to look like. Rather than being stuck on the one way 'relationship escalator' (meet, date, live together, marry, have children, grow old together, die), this book examines different options and choices you might not have considered before.

However, I would say that I have never heard of anyone who successfully shifted a relationship from mono to poly on the basis of an affair. Poly/open relationships require a high amount of trust, and an affair destroys trust.

Good luck

kitty


Offline mellie

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Re: Renegotiating formerly mono relationship - possible?
« Reply #9 on: Mar 29, 2015, 09:28:53 PM »
What a horrible situation. Can I suggest that you get some distance? Either get away for a few days or talk this through with a trusted friend? I think spending time with your partner today doing a normal activity in extraordinary painful circumstances & her having privy to the advice you're being given here is unhelpful. I think the latter may also prevent some posters here from being honest.

I think the polyamory element you've brought into this is clouding the fundamental issues of betrayal and dishonesty.

Offline blue_eyes

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Re: Renegotiating formerly mono relationship - possible?
« Reply #10 on: Mar 29, 2015, 10:04:01 PM »
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« Last Edit: Sep 12, 2015, 12:43:34 AM by blue_eyes »

Offline Blythe

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Re: Renegotiating formerly mono relationship - possible?
« Reply #11 on: Mar 29, 2015, 10:17:54 PM »
You are at the stage where you can find all sorts of kind reasons for her behaviour.

But you will also go through an angry phase where you will want to vent about what she has done, and so you do need distance as Mellie said, and also this space possibly. 
'Someone take Blythe's mobile phone off her before she says something silly'           kitty

Offline blue_eyes

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Re: Renegotiating formerly mono relationship - possible?
« Reply #12 on: Mar 29, 2015, 10:32:35 PM »
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« Last Edit: Sep 12, 2015, 12:43:59 AM by blue_eyes »

Offline MzB

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Re: Renegotiating formerly mono relationship - possible?
« Reply #13 on: Mar 29, 2015, 10:45:05 PM »
She has busted some fundamental boundaries and you probably both need to try to leave as many options open as possible, if you can. For both your sakes. How bloody painful. But if your relationship has been sexless for a long time, perhaps all this has been floating around and has just not been addressed. I guess you must ask yourself as honestly as you can what you want, and you both need to be as clear as you can about what you could realistically offer each other.

Offline mellie

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Re: Renegotiating formerly mono relationship - possible?
« Reply #14 on: Mar 30, 2015, 07:37:25 AM »
Blue eyes, you need to completely forget about exploring polyamory & other off piste relationship styles that are nothing more than, for you, tarted up lifelines to stop the woman you love leaving you.


I've been in a relationship for fifteen years with a woman who identifies as straight. She's always told me that our relationship isn't forever...

What do you think when you read the above?

From your knowledge of living in the world, do you see people in long term relationships saying this to each other?

They don't. They really, really don't.

« Last Edit: Mar 30, 2015, 10:38:16 AM by mellie »