Author Topic: Painful sex?  (Read 3395 times)

toniee

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Painful sex?
« on: Mar 21, 2015, 05:37:57 PM »
I'm putting this out to the experienced women out there, of whatever sexualities. Just read a blog which has pricked my curiosity and I wish to share this to see what others think on this topic.

To begin with I must specify that I am not greatly experienced in sexual practices, so really have very little knowledge on this. What the blogger 'revealed' was that a lot of women have 'painful sex' and that that is part of the deal. It's accepted as being part of sexual contact, which is how I have always viewed things.

According to this female blogger, it is  definitely possible to have painless sex and, as someone with very little experience, I find this difficult to believe as, when I experimented when young, that was my experience. Pain. Logic tells me that, if two things, whatever they may be, are rubbing together, they are naturally going to cause friction. Surely? So I am wondering whether this blogger is creating a bit of fiction and myths about the actual reality of sex? Can anyone enlighten me on this subject??? A bit puzzled by these comments. Where are the sexperts..

Offline fetishkitty

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Re: Painful sex?
« Reply #1 on: Mar 21, 2015, 05:53:52 PM »
This might be better in the Vault section, as it would allow people to be a bit more frank, but I wanted to say that yes, absolutely, sex can be a totally pain free experience.

For one thing, there is a LOT more to sex than vaginal penetration (which is what I assume you mean by sex, from some of the things you have said). Lesbian sexuality especially encompasses a whole range of activities that need never be 'painful'.

If you do want to experience penetration without pain then as a lesbian you have hit the jackpot! We are not limited to using what biology gave us...we can change the size and shape of what we use to provide penetration...that's even if we forget that we have fingers and hands...

Finally, your point about friction: this is why God invented lube. Experiment with what works for you. Some people prefer water-based, some silicone-based. Most brands offer trial sizes so you can try before you buy. Check out www.lovehoney.co.uk for a good selection.

Honestly, sex only has to be painful if you want it to be (and yes, some people do). I will also say that I found it very painful the first few times, but that with experience that stopped.

Good luck, and really, don't settle for painful sex. You really don't have to.

kitty

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Re: Painful sex?
« Reply #2 on: Mar 21, 2015, 06:30:10 PM »
Hello Toniee,

Fetish Kitty covered everything I was going to say in reply to your post.

I'm sure every woman has experienced painful sex, especially when we were younger and less experienced.  I remember the first couple of times I had penetration sex, I thought afterwards that it was really disappointing and upsetting as it hurt so much.   
However after copious amounts of practice, I solved the pain problem.  It wasn't lube that was my problem, it was men.

Most of the pain does come from lack of lubrication, whoever you are having sex with.
Most women have to get really excited before they produce loads of their own so lots of people use lube.  They really do. 

I recommend that you get some and have a go with it by yourself. 

In a tiny amount of cases, women have vaginas that may be shallow.  I knew a woman that did and so she had to adjust the size of the items she used, whatever the problem, there is a resolution.

Happy practising!

'Someone take Blythe's mobile phone off her before she says something silly'           kitty

flora poste

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Re: Painful sex?
« Reply #3 on: Mar 21, 2015, 06:35:58 PM »
Oh goodness yes, the only pain in my s3x life is the pain I want to feel. There is no way I'd accept sex that I did not enjoy or that hurt me - that's not what it's about. I also don't believe just lying back and thinking of England is very respectful to one's s3x partner. Enthusiasm or nothing, as far as I'm concerned.

I remember the first few times I was penetrated vaginally (I hope all these words are sfw?) were extremely painful but that didn't last long. But if s3x hurts you I don't advise you ignore it - your body is sending a clear message. You might get really hurt, if not physically then psychologically. Stop, and maybe try something different.

I think also that you are overlooking arousal and desire, which has many physiological effects - one of which might be an increase in the natural lubrication, sensitivity, and, hmm, stretchiness, of your v@gina. If you're turned on and you are being touched by somebody you are attracted to, it's far more likely to feel good; you may also find that you are suddenly keen to do things that might not have appealed to you in the cold light of day.

What was this blog? I'm curious to know what the context was.

And good luck. There are lots of ways to have a delightful erotic life.

Offline Musette

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Re: Painful sex?
« Reply #4 on: Mar 21, 2015, 09:43:19 PM »
Pretty much what the other have said.

Sex should not hurt unless you want it to.

I reckon the main causes of painful penetrative sex are lack of lubrication (your own or artificially provided, either is just as good); tension (if those vaginal muscles are tense it's going to be really hard work to get anything in there); and, rarely, some other physical cause.

Experiment on yourself and find out what works for you.
Get your partner (if you have one) to take things really slowly and use lots of lube.
Relax relax relax (even if this means consciously relaxing the muscles - you might need to practise contracting and relaxing them).

Also, remember that sex doesn't have to include penetration.
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toniee

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Re: Painful sex?
« Reply #5 on: Mar 22, 2015, 12:43:43 AM »
Thanks for your replies. Actually as a lesbian who had a choice in my own sexual experience when young, (so many women of whatever sexuality having had to endure sexual violence wheny young) I've never actually had nor wanted penetrative sex with a man(or woman), so that was part of the curiosity I had to that article. I'm a bit of a technophobe, so don't know how to upload the article onto this site, but it can be found on Eveydayfeminism.com if anyone would care to upload that. It's called - 'Why don't we talk about painful sex?'.

The thing is, I did experiment for a while with fiorepkay, with a partner when young, and confess that I DID find this painful, stimulation of the clitirus(spelling?). As I think I recall from that article, each time afterwards, it was very difficult to walk properly without feeling discomfort, as I did during foreplay. So I am just wondering if this is one of the things women(and of course gay men) lie about, for whatever reason that might be?

I'm not actually sexually active myself, with others. I've never really been that excited by the physical act.it's emotional excitement and fulfilment that I have mostly sought. So coming across this article, and knowing what I experienced back in my youth, and also having spoken to other women, straight or lesbian, it just got me thinking. Just like the article suggests. Are women actually lying about the truth of sex?

Groke

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Re: Painful sex?
« Reply #6 on: Mar 22, 2015, 12:46:43 AM »
Sex isn't painful. :-\ I suspect you just weren't turned on enough.

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Re: Painful sex?
« Reply #7 on: Mar 22, 2015, 12:50:52 AM »
There is such a thing as being oversensitive, leasing to pain. It can come and go.

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Re: Painful sex?
« Reply #8 on: Mar 22, 2015, 12:55:44 AM »
The only time sex has ever been painful for me was having sex with a man the first time -  I think that is pretty normal.

After that, with women, only when I wasn't turned on enough, or when I wanted it to be.

I don't think 'painful' is a default experience for women either with other women or men... there are physical issues that make it so for some, like vaginismus, but if you are turned on, and lubricated enough, there should not be pain.

The whole genital area is sensitive so if you aren't turned on pretty much anything has the possibility of being painful...  :-\

flora poste

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Re: Painful sex?
« Reply #9 on: Mar 22, 2015, 08:46:28 AM »
This is the article: http://everydayfeminism.com/2015/03/lets-talk-about-painful-sex/

I think it makes some really good points. That we compare the sex we are having to the sex we are told we should be having - which can mean a) that we expect a particular experience to hurt as this is the social narrative around it (eg losing penetrative virginity: this is where the 'not being able to walk properly' quote comes from, it's an example of potentially hyperbolic teen-speak, or a young girl trying to own what she has been taught to expect from her first time: pain*) and b) that we will not speak up or seek solutions when sex that is socially portrayed as pleasurable is actually painful for us.

It's not saying that most sex is painful and that all women are lying about it. It's saying that we should be able to speak about and own our authentic experiences, stop worrying about what we are told is good/bad, and pursue our own real pleasure.

Which, toniee, might be a good takeaway message for you.

Sex shouldn't hurt. I'm wondering, based on your most recent post, if you are perhaps just not that into sex? I don't mean that as a negative thing at all: some people just aren't. If you seek an emotional connection above all else, and left to your own devices don't want or need sex, then perhaps you shouldn't force yourself to have it? There are lots of asexual people who have fulfilling relationships without doing anything they don't want/aren't interested in. I'm not going to diagnose you, I've no idea whether you're asexual. But it's worth considering the fact that if you don't fancy sex you don't have to have it.

OTOH, if you do think that something is missing from your life, I'm sure there are loads of resources out there that might help you re-approach sex and discover - perhaps gradually - what works for you.



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Offline sally33

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Re: Painful sex?
« Reply #10 on: Mar 22, 2015, 09:30:59 AM »
Toniee - you mention that friction from two things rubbing together during sex is obviously going to cause pain - the solution to this is lube. The expectation that your body will just naturally produce enough lubricant to prevent such friction is a myth. Sometimes, due to various reasons, regardless of how turned on you are, your natural vaginal secretions may not be enough and that will lead to discomfort or pain. Lube (as others have said) will prevent this.

 
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Re: Painful sex?
« Reply #11 on: Mar 22, 2015, 09:49:52 AM »
Sex can be painful for a lot of reasons. Not all lube/excitement related.

Sex was painful for me for a while.  It was cysts and tumours on the ovaries and a badly positioned ovary causing deep pain.  That was removed and the problem should have been solved.  However, my mind equated sex with pain and so sex was painful. It took a long tine to get over it and penetration is still not my favourite thing. Sometimes, not always, I can be hugely turned on... Until its suggested.

Vaginismus is a very real problem and can have an actual physical cause or something as simple as being told sex would be painful and expecting it and sometimes all the lube in the world - natural or otherwise doesn't help. 
« Last Edit: Mar 22, 2015, 09:59:58 AM by Sorted »

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Re: Painful sex?
« Reply #12 on: Mar 22, 2015, 10:41:08 AM »
Oooo cysts... I had those in my early 20s.... bl000dy painful, I'd forgotten!

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Re: Painful sex?
« Reply #13 on: Mar 22, 2015, 10:45:27 AM »
Yes indeed, there is always the possibility of an underlying problem that needs sorting out.

Also, as someone else said, the whole genital area, and the clitoris especially, can be extremely sensitive and even more so when aroused. Sex is not painful for me at all but even so every so often a slight rub the wrong way can make me wince momentarily.

But toniee, just to reiterate, sex shouldn't be painful and if it is then there are steps you can take to try and stop it being painful.
GB is not lying to you :)
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a wise and helpful soul, Musette  ;D

dukovearl

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Re: Painful sex?
« Reply #14 on: Mar 22, 2015, 11:51:59 AM »
I personally have never really found vigorous or deep penetration at all comfortable, no matter how aroused, so I tell people and they don't do it, the rest is all lovely. I have slept with someone who found direct clitoral stimulation painful, she told me, I didn't do it and the rest was all lovely. We are all different and it's not necessarily a sign that something is wrong, or a lack of arousal/lubrication if we don't like certain things. Self-knowledge and communication are really the keys to better sex, I think.


(Do we need to ask for this to be moved for non-work-safeness?)