Author Topic: Finding time for sex and intimacy in long term relationships  (Read 2644 times)

Offline nismat

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I'm looking for tips on how to create time and opportunities for sex, within the demands of everyday life and a long term relationship. We had totally got out of the habit of having sex, for a variety of reasons, and now, although we want to rekindle our sexual relationship, it's not proving that easy! Especially when we also have an 8yr old who has almost as many waking hours in the day as we do  ::) It's very different from when we first met and couldn't keep our hands off each other, and it didn't matter anyway as we had no restrictions and could pretty much do what we wanted when we wanted.

How do you go about finding time for sex, when you're past the initial sex-all-the-time stage?
My horniness levels are far exceeding the opportunities to have them met!

Offline pure evil

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Re: Finding time for sex and intimacy in long term relationships
« Reply #1 on: Mar 15, 2015, 03:00:09 PM »
I've found going on dates helpful, funny how exciting a hotel room can be  ;D

Offline nismat

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Re: Finding time for sex and intimacy in long term relationships
« Reply #2 on: Mar 15, 2015, 03:17:36 PM »
Didn't work the last time I tried that, the hotel TV (and last episode of Broadchurch) proved more enticing than me!  >:(
Although it was before we had the Big Talk, to be fair.

Offline Lust for Life

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Re: Finding time for sex and intimacy in long term relationships
« Reply #3 on: Mar 15, 2015, 03:28:15 PM »
You've already hit the nail on the head yourself Nismat, in the first line of your post (compared with the title of the thread):

It's very often a question of *creating* time rather than casually *finding* it: "hey, I just found a spare two hours that aren't spoken for" - Not in my world! :-\

So, you're on the right track already.  The hotel can be an excellent idea, just make sure you have a small talk beforehand in which you both agree that that's what you're hoping to create.  We used to hide the tv remote on arrival, from the kids, if we were staying in a family room, so that we could play a board game or something.  Maybe half-jokingly suggest this to your wife?  If the tv is on, do you find yourself drawn to it too?  It's better still if you're putting it out of your own reach as much as hers...

Offline fetishkitty

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Re: Finding time for sex and intimacy in long term relationships
« Reply #4 on: Mar 15, 2015, 03:29:00 PM »
Are you quite 'separated' in everyday life? By that i mean do you get to spend much time together or is it all work/childcare/housework?

If so, then maybe walk before you start running. You have to start seeing each other as individuals - interesting, exciting etc, rather than as parents/partners/domestic cleaners! So, reconnecting on a personal level which will hopefully lead to ripping each other's clothes off!

Did you see this that went round the internet recently? It's 36 questions to fall in love. I did it recently with my partner of 8 years, and it was a fascinating exoerience...i learnt alot, both about her and myself. Might be worth doing. :)

kitty


Offline pure evil

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Re: Finding time for sex and intimacy in long term relationships
« Reply #5 on: Mar 15, 2015, 03:50:31 PM »


Did you see this that went round the internet recently? It's 36 questions to fall in love. I did it recently with my partner of 8 years, and it was a fascinating exoerience...i learnt alot, both about her and myself. Might be worth doing. :)

kitty

I really liked the article and the questions

@ nismat, yes an agreement from BOTH of you about the intent of the date would be a start!

Offline Blythe

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Re: Finding time for sex and intimacy in long term relationships
« Reply #6 on: Mar 15, 2015, 04:12:07 PM »
When you have a child, it's very difficult.
My advice would be that you book time.  So, you arrange that the child goes for a sat afternoon to a kids party or a friend's house and say to your partner, that's a sex slot.
It may sound prescriptive but if you make the effort, get dressed up a bit, have a bottle of wine or whatever, and know that you are going to have sex, it may help build anticipation.

I have friends who hate the fact their partner says, Friday night is sex night, and I see that that is SO regimented it might offend.   But if you choose to take advantage of other times when you are child free, that might be more appealing.


I think it's important to emphasise how much of a sex turn off children in the house are.

« Last Edit: Mar 15, 2015, 04:14:40 PM by Blythe »
'Someone take Blythe's mobile phone off her before she says something silly'           kitty

Offline pure evil

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Re: Finding time for sex and intimacy in long term relationships
« Reply #7 on: Mar 15, 2015, 04:30:01 PM »
also agree with what FK said about ordinary dates, time when you can 'see' each other. In the past it's been those moments away from the day to day where an effort to spend time together reminds me of how special a person is to me.... and for instance the urge to spontaneously kiss or hug them arises. I want to feel the excitement of being with them. I have friends who have been together for 30 years who still go on regular 'sweetheart' dates.

Offline Lust for Life

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Re: Finding time for sex and intimacy in long term relationships
« Reply #8 on: Mar 15, 2015, 05:35:57 PM »
Nismat, you are really cranking up the quality of gb with these threads lately ;D

I know you want and need to increase the amount of actual "relief of horn", but on rereading your first post I've thought of something else: even when you've increased it, you will probably still be able to say your last sentence, about opportunity exceeding desire.  I think this happens in most long-term relationships, because we have to keep other real-life stuff ticking over.  In an "ideal world" I would spend 24 hours a day....No, wait, that's what I *think* I want, but it's not realistic.  I need to sleep and eat, and actually, imagine literally never leaving the house :o. Bloody marvellous for a weekend or even a week, but for the rest of your life?

I'm kind of taking this to extremes for the sake of discussion, but you see what I mean?  A lot of that feeling horny is delightful anticipation and I've learned to enjoy that as something in its own right.  The crucial thing is that your needs are met often enough that it's still realistic to call it anticipation rather than living in a dream world  ;). What's also nice is if you can get away from the elephant in the room stage to being able to give each other a look or touch at those no-can-do times which feels on both sides like an "oh, if only" rather than "why are you hassling me now, surely you can see it's not possible >:("
« Last Edit: Mar 15, 2015, 05:37:29 PM by Lust for Life »

Offline nismat

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Re: Finding time for sex and intimacy in long term relationships
« Reply #9 on: Mar 15, 2015, 05:39:46 PM »
I know it is going to be about creating time; I think that the weekend play dates are definitely the way to go! We've genuinely been so hectically busy (especially me, more so than usual) in the last couple of weeks, that we have had to cancel proposed plans for sex time. Which might sound like ducking out, but you can't really not prepare for job interviews, son's birthday, etc. or turn down long-arranged prior commitments.

It's true that we do live very separated lives, with our differing responsibilities and commitments. I'm quite often busy/out in the evenings either before or as soon as my wife gets home. And television is definitely a winding-down draw, for her at least. I'll watch it if it's on, but rarely switch it on myself. I'm far more drawn by the lure of the iPad and GB/FB etc. So we could/should come up with an agreement about turning off screens, for some nights at least.

And there is rather an imbalance between us, although at least it's clear that sex is back on her mental agenda, which it clearly hasn't been for a long time. Having turned the taps back on, so to speak, I'm feeling ridiculously up for it, and could probably have sex at the drop of a hat, planned or otherwise. We do rather need to be in the same place however!

I/we do feel decidedly inhibited by our son's nearbyness though. We've never had to negotiate around that before (yes, it's been that long), so it is a real added complication.
Just this morning I was having a little "alone" time, being granted a lie-in for Mother's Day, when he came bounding upstairs for a cuddle and got into bed with me. And I then had to explain why I had no pyjama bottoms on... Eep!  :-[ ;D

Offline fetishkitty

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Re: Finding time for sex and intimacy in long term relationships
« Reply #10 on: Mar 15, 2015, 05:53:10 PM »
One of the reasons I am poly is that I *usually* have a higher sex drive than my partner. And whilst I don't believe you can replace one person with another (ie. Having sex with person A doesn't reduce my desire for person B), having mulitple partners does mean that I'm not climbing the walls because I'm not getting enough.

kitty

Offline nismat

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Re: Finding time for sex and intimacy in long term relationships
« Reply #11 on: Mar 15, 2015, 05:54:21 PM »
^ our posts crosses rather LfL
... on rereading your first post I've thought of something else: even when you've increased it, you will probably still be able to say your last sentence, about opportunity exceeding desire. 

What's also nice is ... being able to give each other a look or touch at those no-can-do times which feels on both sides like an "oh, if only" rather than "why are you hassling me now, surely you can see it's not possible >:("

I'm sure that the first bit will be true! And yes, the anticipation is something to enjoy in its own right.

And the "if only" moments are happening. Just not the follow-up!  ::) I'm probably expecting too much right now, given our schedules.

There are other complicating factors to it all though, in that I would say that my overall desires/needs have changed (your more Dungeon-y stuff). And that I'm not sure that she can fulfil them. Not had a chance to have those conversations yet, that's for when we have re-established a firmer footing I think. That'll be another thread!  ;D

I certainly want a lot more than I've got, that's for sure  ::)

Offline nismat

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Re: Finding time for sex and intimacy in long term relationships
« Reply #12 on: Mar 15, 2015, 06:04:50 PM »
One of the reasons I am poly is that I *usually* have a higher sex drive than my partner. And whilst I don't believe you can replace one person with another (ie. Having sex with person A doesn't reduce my desire for person B), having mulitple partners does mean that I'm not climbing the walls because I'm not getting enough.

kitty

Now this very much ties in with my last post and this in particular

There are other complicating factors to it all though, in that I would say that my overall desires/needs have changed (your more Dungeon-y stuff). And that I'm not sure that she can fulfil them. Not had a chance to have those conversations yet, that's for when we have re-established a firmer footing I think. That'll be another thread!  ;D

I certainly want a lot more than I've got, that's for sure  ::)
[/b]
Yeah. It's starting to feel possibly a lot more applicable to me than I ever imagined it might. I did nearly suggest something of this nature when I brought up the Are We Ever Going To Have Sex Again topic. But bottled it. It would have felt a bit cruel given that she'd just said that she did want to!
In the course of our many conversations she did restate something that she has stated a few times previously, over the years, that it would basically be OK for me to have a fling "as long as she never knew anything about it". Which doesn't sit terribly well with me, even if it is kind of tempting to use it as an excuse to explore other possibilities. I'd rather have honesty, although I do understand that she's saying it would be more hurtful for her to know than not know.

Harrumph, complicated indeed.

Offline Lust for Life

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Re: Finding time for sex and intimacy in long term relationships
« Reply #13 on: Mar 15, 2015, 06:08:20 PM »
Don't give up hope there either, Nismat, you haven't asked her yet.  A few weeks ago you hadn't broached the subject of sex at all, and now look at you ;)

Seriously, do not fall into the trap of thinking that she will say no, when you haven't discussed it.  Obviously, sharing your fears that she will think you are being weird/asking the impossible is fine, and will hopefully ensure a caring response even if it is a no, but the worst thing you can do, imo, is not ask her at all, and assume she would never say yes.  After all, it's not like there's a clear-cut boundary between vanilla and kink, is there?  If you open the discussion in terms of trying new things, that's not the same as, say, you turning round and saying, "by the way, I've booked us into a dungeon room and I'll be expecting us to try out all the equipment, within the allotted 2 hours, and if you don't like the idea I'm off".

Offline nismat

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Re: Finding time for sex and intimacy in long term relationships
« Reply #14 on: Mar 15, 2015, 06:11:21 PM »
Proper lolz!  ;D

Yeah, I need to slow my brain down perhaps. It's just that having subsumed my libido for so long it's all bursting to come out!