Author Topic: Internalised biphobia  (Read 5035 times)

Offline Night Nurse

  • Gingerbeer Goddess
  • *****
  • Posts: 1,972
  • Don't look at the eyes.
Re: Internalised biphobia
« Reply #30 on: Feb 11, 2014, 01:02:05 PM »
The main reason I am feeling so totally bloody confused is cos I have had two long term relationships with men, one I thought I was in love with because I loved him deeply, the other just to appease and go along with norms, etc.
The relationship with the woman was also long, intense, loving a nd solid, it ended, but the reason I'm so confused.ed now is, I 've met a woman Iv'e fallen for, that I love more than all the ones I thought I was in love with, both men and women, which has knocked me for six, cos now after falling in love for real, I am realising I wasn't in love before at all, so what the hell does that make me now!!!
Gay, bi, both? Or just a complete and utter f...up!
And what do I do about it?
Help.!

Does it matter? You don't have to label yourself if none of them really seem to fit. You can say "I'm Scouser and I've had relationships with men and women", or whatever you like...

I wouldn't give any energy at all to worrying which label is most appropriate, I really wouldn't. They're vague indicators at best. One woman's lesbian is another's bisexual, and vice versa. They work well as flags to guide us to particular places or products (that's how you found GB, right?), but as far as describing our unique selves, histories and experiences, they're a very blunt instrument.

I was thinking about this a lot recently, how biphobia hurts the queer community.
 
I guess once I had a baby I realised how invisible queer women are if they don't look the part.  Like how having a baby stops you looking gay.  Even if you have a gf, once you walk out onto the street alone with your baby you are no longer queer.  And then there's the lesbian in successful co-parenting arrangements with their children's donor.  When they go out together as a family they no longer look gay.  Then there's people like me, and other queers in relationships with transpeople.  And of course you can't forget the former lesbians who are now in relationships with bio-men.  Even if you have never experienced any prejudice for being a mother (or for dating the wrong gender), Pride events aren't exactly set up for families or non-gay-but-still-very-queer couples.  We're the forgotten members of the community. 

Once it made sense for biphobia to exist, back when the gay community was oppressed and frightened and deliberately excluded from normal society.  Now in cities where gay rights have progressed to the point where we can get married, biphobia is actually holding back and silencing members of our own community.  It's a shame. 

Yeah. I agree.

Some people think little girls should be seen and not heard, but I think...

scouser

  • Guest
Re: Internalised biphobia
« Reply #31 on: Feb 13, 2014, 09:40:31 PM »
Just noticed your response Night Nurse, sorry havn't replied sooner.
Yes, your right, I get completely what your saying, however, the feeling I should label myself has been since I have found this site, everyone seems hell bent on giving eachother labels, I don't know what it is but I feel every time I mention being with a man, or reference to it, a cooling in whom I'm telling lately.  It makes me feel I should identify with this group or that group, I realise it is easy to compartamentalise one's self in order to slot in, but I just feel I shouldn't have to, I would just like the woman I love to love me, and for us both not to have to call ourselves anything except lovers.  Is that so wrong of me, and thankyou for bothering to reply to me, it really helps when someone gives advice to someone all this 'looking in the mirror for real' is finally doing!

Offline insidebeauty

  • Gingerbeer Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 16
  • Gingerbeer.co.uk - The Lesbian Guide
Re: Internalised biphobia
« Reply #32 on: Feb 18, 2014, 05:35:16 AM »
Queenbea, your post really struck a chord with me.  Thank you.

So, I define myself as bisexual to take the stigma out of the term.  And that's what it is when you think about it, a term.  And if you care to think about it as a more than or a less than is your individual choice.  Personally, my story is that I had a short relationship with a woman in college (I am now 32).  I was brought up strictly religious, so I didn't follow through with woman for a long long time.  My whole life, I've had relationships with men, and been actually in love with three.  I only enjoyed sex with one, (my latest guy), because prior to him I thought men's giggly bits were gross and disgusting. 
Now, I just recently broke up with a girlfriend.  We were together for two months, and it felt right.  I decided after dating some guys that I really wanted to try women again.  Ultimately we were not a match, personality wise, but I was falling for her.  And I fell for her fast.  (Not scary fast, but fast by my usual men's standards.)  So, now, I'm not really sure I want to go back to men.  I'm not ruling it out totally, but I'm actively only searching for a woman partner.  Now, I am a monogamous long-term relationship type of person, that just happens to identify as a bisexual.  I don't think I could even rule out dating a trans person in the future.  It is sort of strange, because I now feel strange about my past romantic and sexual relationships with men, even though beforehand, I could have sworn I was in love with them.  But, I believe that sexuality is fluid, I guess.  Otherwise I would have no other way to describe my experience. 

I do know that I love women-romantically and sexually (totally).  I love women's bodies, and everything.  So, there's my story.  And I'm stickin' to it.  For now...  :)
girls, girls, girls...

Offline Megan

  • Gingerbeer Virgin
  • **
  • Posts: 56
  • Gingerbeer.co.uk - The Lesbian Guide
Re: Internalised biphobia
« Reply #33 on: Feb 20, 2014, 09:53:04 AM »
I can't help feeling, although I may be a biased veteran of two straight marriages and various bits in between who now identifies as lesbian, that the best thing might be to forget about finding the right label to hand round one's neck and just go with one's feelings.

Yes!

Offline Night Nurse

  • Gingerbeer Goddess
  • *****
  • Posts: 1,972
  • Don't look at the eyes.
Re: Internalised biphobia
« Reply #34 on: Feb 25, 2014, 03:48:47 PM »
Just noticed your response Night Nurse, sorry havn't replied sooner.
Yes, your right, I get completely what your saying, however, the feeling I should label myself has been since I have found this site, everyone seems hell bent on giving eachother labels, I don't know what it is but I feel every time I mention being with a man, or reference to it, a cooling in whom I'm telling lately.  It makes me feel I should identify with this group or that group, I realise it is easy to compartamentalise one's self in order to slot in, but I just feel I shouldn't have to, I would just like the woman I love to love me, and for us both not to have to call ourselves anything except lovers.  Is that so wrong of me, and thankyou for bothering to reply to me, it really helps when someone gives advice to someone all this 'looking in the mirror for real' is finally doing!

You're welcome.

Ok, try this on: it's interesting, isn't it, that someone like you who has had the huge strength it takes to shrug off mainstream society's insistence that you should/must/ought to be heterosexual, still feels she needs a label to belong to this new community? After all, when you were assumed to be straight, nobody wanted to know what kind of heterosexual you were, did they?

I know it's a pressure; I know it exists. But, y'know, you can be join in the lesbian labelling culture (or tacitly support it by bewailing that you don't know what label suits you, as if it matters) or you can resist it. You sound like a resister to me, Scouser. Stand tall!  :)
Some people think little girls should be seen and not heard, but I think...

Offline Frugalmeister

  • Gingerbeer Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 49
  • I'm a llama!
Re: Internalised biphobia
« Reply #35 on: Feb 28, 2014, 12:27:32 AM »
Only just some across this thread.....

Having identified as lesbian since I was nineteen, I found myself becoming more attracted to men as I entered my forties and wanting to explore that attraction. Needing to explore it, in fact. Having been in a relationship with a man for two years now and very comfortable with my sexuality, I've never quite made friends with the label 'bisexual'. It just doesn't seem to 'fit' somehow. So I don't label myself. Although 'Queer' still seems to 'fit' as well as it always did.... ;D

Though, when I was gay, I was a Dyke and proud of it. So, very happy to be labelled there  :-\

I imagine when I'm out with my partner, we are automatically assumed to be a 'straight' couple. But I don't identify as straight....

Sadly, when I identified as gay, I was rather anti-bisexuals. I can't believe it now, pure ignorance and prejudice. Rather ashamed of how I felt back then. It stemmed from being pretty anti-men, so as well as not wanting to be around them myself, I didn't want to be around anyone who liked being around them either.   Good grief  ::)   

Offline Jenny Talia

  • I was born the same year that homosexuality was removed as a disorder from the DSM
  • GB Testers
  • Gingerbeer Lifer
  • *****
  • Posts: 20,770
  • No, that's just perfectly normal paranoia...
    • Planet London
Re: Internalised biphobia
« Reply #36 on: Jul 06, 2014, 08:21:38 PM »
This popped up on my newsfeed today.
You may be wondering what a map of the trade winds of the North Atlantic is doing on page 134 of a book entitled Is Sex Necessary? In our opinion a map of the trade winds is equally useful in understanding women as a cross section of the female anatomy -James Thurber

Nothing risqué, nothing gained

Offline Jaques

  • Gingerbeer Goddess
  • *****
  • Posts: 636
  • Gingerbeer.co.uk - The Lesbian Guide
Re: Internalised biphobia
« Reply #37 on: Jul 07, 2014, 06:02:43 AM »

I also feel very uncomfortable talking about finding men attractive eg. in  straight social settings where I am not out. Sometimes I do find a guy attractive but would never admit it  to anyone, when I would have no problem admitting that I find a woman attractive.

So here it goes, my very own cognitive dissonance!

Do you have any yourself?

..................there are many women who now define themselves as lesbian who have had sexual relationships with men as i have, i was married 3 x and have 2 sons - i have gone through a whole series of changes throughout my life; born with a female body, from a young age attracted to females but unable to understand or accept that and later in life reliased i felt that attraction to women as a male - so after many years of feeling uncomfortable, i changed my appearance - now that has become less important  because my own identification with gender and sexual preference is no longer a key element in my life.

Offline nismat

  • Gingerbeer Devotee
  • *****
  • Posts: 10,176
Re: Internalised biphobia
« Reply #38 on: Jul 21, 2014, 10:02:22 AM »
This popped up on my newsfeed today.

I've only just sen your link JT, but it was an excellent read. Definitely a number of stories that resonated with me!
So much of bisexuality is hidden. And also "defined" (at least by others' perceptions) by who you are in a relationship with currently. Often, so little validity is given to past relationships, or indeed to attractions outside your relationship. It's as if people don't trust you to know your own self, you must be "confused".

onmyway

  • Guest
Re: Internalised biphobia
« Reply #39 on: Jul 29, 2014, 02:23:58 PM »
So sad that so many women are still being defined (by others) according to who they are in a relationship with...