Author Topic: Femme invisibility  (Read 26411 times)

Offline Inara

  • Gingerbeer Scene Queen
  • ***
  • Posts: 162
Re: Femme invisibility
« Reply #45 on: Nov 11, 2014, 11:37:18 PM »
I live in London now.

that's very nice of you to assure me like that. I might get my courage up.

where I come from, I would be laughed at by the local lesbian community if they saw me dressed as I normally do. they would tell me to find a bloke.
You're not just a girl, you're more like the air and sea.

Offline Blythe

  • Isle of Man Debating Champion 1981
  • Gingerbeer Lifer
  • *****
  • Posts: 27,406
    • http://www.gaydargirls.co.uk/scripts/ndisplay.asp?userid=rebecca-is-out
Re: Femme invisibility
« Reply #46 on: Nov 11, 2014, 11:58:52 PM »
Blimey that's a bit Neanderthal and anti feminist !!

I think it's a bit more enlightened now, even the editor of Diva magazine has long haired and floaty clothes these days.

'Someone take Blythe's mobile phone off her before she says something silly'           kitty

Offline aliceb

  • Gingerbeer Goddess
  • *****
  • Posts: 3,952
Re: Femme invisibility
« Reply #47 on: Nov 12, 2014, 12:05:55 AM »
Blimey that's a bit Neanderthal and anti feminist !!

I think it's a bit more enlightened now, even the editor of Diva magazine has long haired and floaty clothes these days.

yes i agree on all points.

if the editor is still Jane, i notice she has changed her appearance somewhat over the years! nothing wrong with that, i rather like chameleons.

i wish i had the nerve to change my appearance radically to be honest.

scouser

  • Guest
Re: Femme invisibility
« Reply #48 on: Nov 12, 2014, 12:15:11 AM »
I have, and still can't believe what I look like each time I look in the mirror! :o

Offline aliceb

  • Gingerbeer Goddess
  • *****
  • Posts: 3,952
Re: Femme invisibility
« Reply #49 on: Nov 12, 2014, 12:19:20 AM »
gone from being blonde to brunette or similar or something much more radical?

Offline LottieBiscuit

  • Gingerbeer Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 27
  • Gingerbeer.co.uk - The Lesbian Guide
Re: Femme invisibility
« Reply #50 on: Nov 20, 2014, 04:49:54 PM »
Someone wrote something fab on this for my website recently: http://thisisbiscuit.com/lipstick-bisexuals-when-you-just-dont-look-gay-enough/

Offline olive25_55

  • Gingerbeer Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 1
  • Gingerbeer.co.uk - The Lesbian Guide
Re: Femme invisibility
« Reply #51 on: Dec 02, 2014, 08:21:28 PM »
Hey,

I'm new to this site so hi! This is a topic that really frustrates me.. if I tell someone that I am gay.. there reply is always 'but you don't look gay' ..... I'm sorry, I didn't realise there was 'a look'.. just because I look like a girl doesn't mean that I'm straight.. I'm becoming increasingly infuriated by this.. Also if I go to a gay bar, I will always get hit on by men and not women. Perhaps I don't have a gay vibe..haha. Kind of puts me off going, but where am I meant to meet people!?

Offline RedandBlue

  • Gingerbeer Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 6
  • Gingerbeer.co.uk - The Lesbian Guide
Re: Femme invisibility
« Reply #52 on: Dec 07, 2014, 03:56:30 PM »
Hi,
I'm new as well. I find this posts interesting, 'cause even though I don't think I'm particulary feminine, recently few times happened to me that when I say to someone I'm gay, they have to argue that if I've never had an experience with a man then I can't be sure I'm gay, It's like they're telling me to be open minded O_o. And I'm not talking only about straight men, but also a gay man friend of mine, even my mother as well still don't believe that I'm gay. I mean, would they ask me they same question if I say that I'm straight? I don't think so. What is so unbelievable in liking a girl rather than a man? Am I really close minded?   :-\

Lodjur

  • Guest
Re: Femme invisibility
« Reply #53 on: Dec 08, 2014, 03:52:00 PM »
You are absolutely not close minded, of course. This is a bad trick they are using on you.

I think that people who doesn't want to accept that you are gay will cling to everything they can find tho give themselves "hope" and then try to use this as "evidence" that they are right.

You look like a girl, you had a boyfriend, never had a boyfriend, whatever... is them who are not open minded, you can be lesbian and be feminine / tried heterosexual relationships / never had heterosexual relationships / anything.

And please don't try something you don't feel like trying just to prove a point to someone (even yourself).

The worst problem that I see in you right now is that you are doubting yourself because of opinions from someone you feel is reliable (a real gay and a friend, a parent), but when it comes to your identity and feelings and what you like... sorry but there is only one reliable source on that: you.  :)

Offline RedandBlue

  • Gingerbeer Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 6
  • Gingerbeer.co.uk - The Lesbian Guide
Re: Femme invisibility
« Reply #54 on: Dec 08, 2014, 09:34:02 PM »
Thank you Lodjur. You're right I'm doubting my self and I should rely less on what other people think,  but anyway I wouldn't do anything that I don't feel like doing, so don't worry. :)
The thing that makes me mad is that nobody would suggest to open up my mind if I say I'm straight. That is a bit frustrating.

ellis

  • Guest
Re: Femme invisibility
« Reply #55 on: Dec 15, 2014, 01:32:25 PM »
I think femme is it's own gender for some of us and also sometimes it's very private/secret/nobody else's business.

But none of our gender and sexuality is anybody else's business & we don't owe any explanations, even to ourselves.  Perhaps.

imperfectcupcake

  • Guest
Re: Femme invisibility
« Reply #56 on: Dec 15, 2014, 10:30:24 PM »
I think femme is it's own gender for some of us and also sometimes it's very private/secret/nobody else's business.

But none of our gender and sexuality is anybody else's business & we don't owe any explanations, even to ourselves.  Perhaps.

For me it is a gender. As well as woman. To me they are seperate genders. And I have two. That ride together on a tandem bike. Some people's genders get tangled in each other and cause bike crashes. Luckily, mine get on.

However, I'm now in a place where identifying as a femme and a lesbian kind of mean something slightly different than it did where I was in the UK and I hesitate to call myself either. Things have changed a lot and even terminology has moved on and morphed.

I still have the same two genders, but one just gets a different name. Kind of like calling something a corgette and a zucchini. Still the same thing.

Except I've just had to make up my own terms. That way, people ask me what I mean now, instead of assuming. I find the assuming happens so much now I get excluded because of assumptions. Everyone thinks their personal dictionary is common form. It does annoy.


Offline pure evil

  • Gingerbeer Goddess
  • *****
  • Posts: 4,600
  • Joyful Misandrist
Re: Femme invisibility
« Reply #57 on: Dec 15, 2014, 11:24:38 PM »
I find the assuming happens so much now I get excluded because of assumptions.

*twitch*  :-*

Offline horse

  • Gingerbeer Goddess
  • *****
  • Posts: 2,142
  • Gingerbeer.co.uk - The Lesbian Guide
Re: Femme invisibility
« Reply #58 on: Dec 16, 2014, 12:35:20 AM »
Now that Facebook has 71 genders I can be incompatible with everyone if I so choose

Bizoute

  • Guest
Re: Femme invisibility
« Reply #59 on: Dec 16, 2014, 10:11:02 AM »
I think femme is it's own gender for some of us and also sometimes it's very private/secret/nobody else's business.

But none of our gender and sexuality is anybody else's business & we don't owe any explanations, even to ourselves.  Perhaps.

Musca!  :D

Anyway, the femme thing. I think it's interesting the "sometimes very private" comment you make on it. Because in my own head, I'm a femme, but it's really not a word I often say aloud in relation to myself. I mean...I have a few good queer friends who are all femme-identified too. But I don't remember really speaking to them much about it. One of my closest friends is a transguy, and occasionally he'll make a comment to me about my femme identity/style (etc.) and I really appreciate that he gets it, this whole fluid/defined identity. 

Occasionally, in conversation people will comment how feminine I am. (I don't know why. It just sometimes comes up). And actually, 'feminine' is a word I find a bit tricky. I occasionally use it, but I find it quite loaded - maybe because I've spent too much time around people very heavily into masculine/feminine binaries (which by this point, I just react to. I find binaries constrictive and basically a pain, when gender's potentially so interesting and expansive).

It's a bit of a weird one for me if I'm being told how 'feminine' I am, because I often suspect what's being commented on is that I'm gentle, speak softly, almost exclusively live in skirts and dresses. But I kind of struggle with the idea that there's much being read into that because in my mind it's mostly costume. And when I'm told how 'feminine' I am, I often have a sneaky feeling I'm being mis-perceived, when I'm quite fierce deep down, however many unicorns I may have strung in my hair on a given day. I assume whatever the basic essence is of me, soul, whatever word one uses, that it's androgynous, genderless. But beyond that, I feel I can more easily own the word 'femme' than 'feminine', because I see them as two quite different things and the former is a lot more powerful to me than the latter.