Author Topic: Looking for a word that suits me  (Read 14105 times)

forget-me-not

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Looking for a word that suits me
« on: Jul 18, 2011, 01:14:16 AM »
My gender seems to change often.  Sometimes I feel like a man in drag.  But I like that feeling.  Other times I feel like a boi or butch.  Sometimes I do feel quite femme-y.  Other days I feel like "just me".  I won't go on, but there aren't very many gender identities I haven't felt fitted me at least for a while.  None of them feel permanent, ever, just my mood for that day/week/month/etc.

I really really don't like "gender-fluid" although no offence to those that do.  I don't like multi-gendered either, although again no offence to those that do.  It's just my feeling about them for me, not for anyone else.

I toy with poly-gendered sometimes, but it doesn't entirely feel right if you know what I mean.    I think because for me it seems to infer more than gender at the same time, although I know it doesn't have to or shouldn't rationally, but I am talking about gut feelings rather than anything rational or sensible.

Any suggestions?

Offline Charlotte Mew

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Re: Looking for a word that suits me
« Reply #1 on: Jul 18, 2011, 01:30:13 PM »
I think it is really hard to suggest for other people Forget-me-not.  Which is why I haven't answered.  There is Genderqueer but often it implies no gender rather than the experience of both strands. What do you think of that?  I might be totally wrong.   

But there is the old 'androgynous' label that lesbians, mainly in the US, used if they didn't id as butch or femme but it could include moments of either.   However I don't think it is a very satisfactory word as there is a muddle about what it means in queer contexts. 

There are not many good words.   I am personally very fond fo the word 'epicene' that means having both genders or none.  But it is a bit obscure. 

Any way part of why I didn't like to make a suggestion is I might have misunderstood what you were saying and it is always difficult to contribute on someone else's identity.

Offline Sal@mander

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Re: Looking for a word that suits me
« Reply #2 on: Jul 18, 2011, 03:41:13 PM »
I think I'd be inclined to stick with "just me", forget-me-not. It's the only one that applies on some days, and probably the only one that could still apply on every day.

Labels are only useful as a convenient short-hand to let people know things about you. Maybe you don't get to use that kind of shorthand because you have a more complex kind of gender identity than the binary people?

What I'm trying to say is that labels are great but you can't let them box you in. If there isn't a box that's wholly or at least, comfortably, applicable to you, then you needn't accept a box at all.

My thoughts, anyway.
"And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom."
(Anais Nin)

Mutley

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Re: Looking for a word that suits me
« Reply #3 on: Jul 18, 2011, 03:41:45 PM »
I feel genderqueer suits me, most of the time...though that's no help to you FMN, as you have said its not something that resonates with you.

I know most people are against labels but I'm not, having a labels equaled an ID to me and and ID was something I had never had, it was a defining moment for me.  So I can understand why you would want to have a word that fits you.  Hope someone can help more than I have  ::)


outOforder

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Re: Looking for a word that suits me
« Reply #4 on: Jul 18, 2011, 03:45:06 PM »
For me, I don't really need a word. I do feel butch and I certainly am butch I think, but most of the time, I don't think about it and am just me. I don't particularly want to be 'constrained' by a box and yet there are times when I certainly do want the box/description.

But that's just me and probably contrary and probably not very helpful....

girl-from-mars

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Re: Looking for a word that suits me
« Reply #5 on: Jul 18, 2011, 04:42:27 PM »
Ah forget-me-not, we have the same thing going on, who'd 'av thunk it ? I was born intersex, but everyone neglected to tell me this until about three years ago when I started to transition. So for the vast majority of my life I was given the man tag even though it didn't fit. Then I discovered the trans tag, which I really wasn't all to happy with either, and then I was offered the truth.

Thing is the truth, while it explains an awful lot of my personal understanding it only explains what I am not who I am. My identity isnít fluid and i think i have it figured out but itís a bit of a mouthful because no one word sums me up. I generally let people see what they want, they will anyway and if thereís someone open enough to ask then we can discuss it but generally these days i  just donít think about, or i donít worry about it, like you i have days were iím just me.

Just meís fine, the way i see it if youíre happy with you, why have a tag?

Offline Sal@mander

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Re: Looking for a word that suits me
« Reply #6 on: Jul 18, 2011, 06:14:09 PM »
I use queer femme a lot of the time. These days I realise I am a stone femme too, in so many senses of the word "stone". I just don't tell a lot of people what kind of femme I feel I am. I described myself on a dating profile as femme when I was looking for male partners - and not one of the guys I dated had the foggiest what it meant, or even thought it important enough to ask me about it. Pah!

*glances aside before spitting delicately to express her contempt*

Yeah, so basically I just use femme because that baffles the straights (hurrah!) and usually communicates OK for the most part to the LGBTQQI community and in particular the butches and trans men I tend to feel most physically drawn to. (The latter are the main reason I describe myself as bisexual, too.)



"And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom."
(Anais Nin)

drama umbrella

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Re: Looking for a word that suits me
« Reply #7 on: Jul 18, 2011, 06:22:36 PM »
 are looking for a short hand to find those alike and possibly some understanding (possibly?)

hard to get, if you are. But there can be some basic head nods of "I get you" that's sometimes nice.

I have several genders, they are all feminine, save one that's a feminine masculine - which is a big part of me. It's hard to explaining it to people cause they 1) think you are full of shit 2) think you are queer naval gazing 3) mock you cause they don't have the same feelings so you must be self absorbed and have too much time to think about yourself.

it's all very supportive.

I just call all my genders femme. even the feminine-male one (the huge drag queen part). even the cigar chewing, truck driving one is very feminine.

it's like several genders all driving different bicycles. however, mine don't get in the way of each other's. I know some people's conflict. I know my wife's do. Yeah, I get a bit of body dysphoria but I don't think that's to do with my gender stuff, although it's gender-ized.

I have yet to run into a word for it other than polygenderd (that doesn't quite describe me but perhaps it might make more sense to you) or bigenderd. At home some of my friends who are first nations called themselves two-spirit to describe embodying two different genders (my wife likes that one the best, but she won't use it as she thinks it would be appropriation and it is, but perhaps it's in the right direction).

Even though I'm femme, I'm still "me". it's a descriptor of all those genders in me and it's political statement of strength and feminism for me. So if you are looking for alignment with self in shorthand... it's not easy. nothing covers everything. I didn't really find my ID, it kinda found me. It could be that one day you'll be reading and it will fall into your lap and you'll go "omg. that's it. that's my experience, that person know's what I'm talking about." and if that does happen, it's fucking nice.

use any word you want. it's you. use a compound word. use a handful. It won't matter if you have to explain yourself all the time, you probably do anyway lol.
 :-*

girl-from-mars

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Re: Looking for a word that suits me
« Reply #8 on: Jul 18, 2011, 06:39:53 PM »
use any word you want. [snip]

I'll have marzipan as mine :) ..... I'm marzipan i am ~:))

drama umbrella

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Re: Looking for a word that suits me
« Reply #9 on: Jul 18, 2011, 06:57:04 PM »
 :D

forget-me-not

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Re: Looking for a word that suits me
« Reply #10 on: Jul 19, 2011, 11:26:39 AM »
thanks to all for your thoughtful and thought-provoking replies.  don't want to kill the thread, just wanted to chip in and say i am following it and am finding it helpful.

genderqueer definitely applies to me and is a word i use with pride.  it seems a little non-specific though, perhaps i am wrong, but i think of it as meaning anyone who doesn't fit in to the binary in any way.  i am happy to link in with all others in this category, i just sometimes long for a word that's just for me and my kind.  very irrational, i know, and hardly the most important issue in the world today, but...  for some reason it does bother me.  perhaps working out why is the thing to do.  i don't know.

i also am aware that for some people, particularly some older people and some people from other countries/cultures the word queer has baggage and can even be triggering to hear.  so although i have identified as queer for many years i am increasing seeking some other word to represent myself.

most of the time i am happy being "just me" and a lot of the time i don't care about not having a category or a label.  but sometimes i do.  i feel lost at sea, sometimes, floating about like a plastic bag in the wind, and it feels like a label could just anchor me somehow, attach me to others like me, give me a framework/ground me.  explain me to others, also, like a shorthand that would satisfy them and me without having to go into too much detail.

its all a bit hard to express, to put into words, right now, so i am sorry if i'm not making much sense.  it confuses me too!  it shouldn't matter, there is no rational reason why it matters, yet it does.  sometimes.

Mutley

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Re: Looking for a word that suits me
« Reply #11 on: Jul 19, 2011, 11:44:00 AM »

most of the time i am happy being "just me" and a lot of the time i don't care about not having a category or a label. but sometimes i do.  i feel lost at sea, sometimes, floating about like a plastic bag in the wind, and it feels like a label could just anchor me somehow, attach me to others like me, give me a framework/ground me.  explain me to others, also, like a shorthand that would satisfy them and me without having to go into too much detail.

its all a bit hard to express, to put into words, right now, so i am sorry if i'm not making much sense.  it confuses me too!  it shouldn't matter, there is no rational reason why it matters, yet it does.  sometimes.

That perfectly sums up how I felt/feel about IDing as butch, it puts me somewhere.  I cant explain it either but it feels right and it was an enlightening moment when it dawned on me.

Though if we are going down the confecionary route, can I be honeycomb  ;)

Offline Samtastic

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Re: Looking for a word that suits me
« Reply #12 on: Jul 19, 2011, 08:14:50 PM »
My 10p worth:
There may not be a simple answer or an easy definition, and that may not be a bad thing. :)
I've found that there are definitely a number of facets of my own gender expression/experience, some of them perhaps seemingly contradictary. Or perhaps thats the way I've felt about them anyway. The way I've learned to (begin to) accept myself is that each of those different parts of me have their own strengths and are best suited to certain situations and also need to be satisfied in different ways. And no matter how much I want to be one or another for the sake of clarity there's no escaping that those various aspects do exist.
Some days I don't even feel trans(whatever that feels like?), and other days I embrace the label, but I rarely really feel that it adequately describes me.


girl-from-mars

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Re: Looking for a word that suits me
« Reply #13 on: Jul 19, 2011, 08:32:57 PM »
Hey F-m-N

My need to have illusive word is all about role models, well not so much that but something like it. Sometimes i crave to meet someone else like me, i feel alone sometimes, ironically, talking about how alone i get at times i feel the most isolated.

I believe that we're a tribal species and i sometimes need that tribe but i can't find it because how do you find something that you don't know the name of. How do i measure me? Beyond the basic human functioning how am i doing as an intersex person who has a hard time some days? Who do i turn to when i want to dicuss my transition? who do I talk to when i want understanding about feeling physically robbed as a child.

Although i was intersex, i've said before i lived as a boy and man even though i knew it didn't fit and tried really hard to endure knowing the damage that the fallout would cause from coming out. I have a problem even using the word Lesbian in self refference because i have a problem using woman or the female gender in self refference, in the same way that i had a problem using man and i know that i was born be neither. I'm ion transition and will have GRS but i'm not transexual or transgendered. I just feel like a lot of things don't fit.

I don't know what i'm trying to say other than that label that we all protest about being given or having, it's important sometimes. hope you find yours Forget me Not.


Hope that doesn't kill the thread, sorry it just came out


Offline tofu

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Re: Looking for a word that suits me
« Reply #14 on: Jul 19, 2011, 09:07:16 PM »
it didn't kill the thread g-f-m...i think its exactly the right kind of post for this thread and thank you for being so frank
life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans...