- Messageboards

Welcome! => Say Hello! => Topic started by: VegTiz on Mar 04, 2017, 12:22:10 PM

Title: First step in coming out
Post by: VegTiz on Mar 04, 2017, 12:22:10 PM
Hi I'm glad to be here. My first step in my transition to a new life. I'm 43 and been with men all my life. I had a very bizarre childhood very religious and until I was about 25 the possibility of a life with a female lover wasn't even on my radar.
I was never interested in men but men were always very interested in me.
Looking back I sort of just fell into a heterosexual life. I got pregnant at 18 my daughter is now 24.
I'm currently engaged to a man. I have been a few times but could never take the plunge as I know deep down I'm not into men. I had counselling in my 20s and told the counsellor that I thought I was lesbian and she told me that she didn't think I was and it was all tied up with my childhood issues.
I'm sad about all those lost years. As I'm getting older it is becoming more and more obvious that I m attracted to women. I haven't ever been with a woman but recently see lesbian couples together and think that could be me. I feel so much joy at their happiness and openness. Anyway I'm here. I've got a lot to do if I choose to venture out of the Wardrobe. It's very scary and I'm really not used to feeling like this. I'm a very strong independent woman and I feel vulnerable! Hopefully you can help me along the journey. X
Title: Re: First step in coming out
Post by: Bewilderbeast on Mar 04, 2017, 02:07:29 PM

Itís precisely because you are strong and independent that youíve been able to take this step but yes itís definitely scary, weíve all been there!

Iím so sorry that your counsellor dismissed your feelings, Iím horrified that a trained professional would tell someone what they thought they were, thatís not what they are supposed to do at all. If you do consider counselling (not saying you need it btw) then you might want to consider one who specialises in coming out or is associated with an LGBT organisation.

Iíd definitely encourage you to get to know some other gay people and especially some other gay women. Hearing (or even just reading) other peopleís coming out stories is really helpful too, or it was to me. Some people like you (and like me!) come out before having any experience and others realise when they find themselves unexpectedly in a relationship. There is no right or wrong way and there is no pressure for you to tell everyone right away, change your world at the rate the feels right for you. I will say though that the freedom of not having to hide is amazing.

There are lots of coming out stories here:
But also in the Identity Matters section of section as well as dotted all over really!

Dating websites are one way to get to know other gay women (how I met my wife!) but if you want to just meet more as friends (I found this very helpful, I seemed to know lots of gay men but not gay women so much when I was coming out) then try social events and meet ups put on by various LGBT organisations and groups.

Stonewall has info on whatís on (social groups and support groups) in your area here:

If in the Northwest the LGBT Foundation has info here:

Good luck and welcome to rest of your life!

Title: Re: First step in coming out
Post by: VegTiz on Mar 04, 2017, 02:45:12 PM
Thanks so much for your reply and supportive words and practical
suggestions. It is very much appreciated. Thanks for giving me hope and some courage. I feel a bit like the scaredy cat lion from the wizard of oz!
I'm in Yorkshire. I'll do some research and see if there is anything locally I can get involved in. I need to sort my home situation out but could do with some understanding peer support first I think.
There are some inspirational stories on here thanks everyone!
Title: Re: First step in coming out
Post by: Vickilipstick on Mar 05, 2017, 02:18:09 AM
Im new here too. Not really related at all to what you have said, but years ago i went to a clairvoyant, who said to me 'maybe you like women'.
Very strange that your counsellor dismissed you being gay. Especially in an environment that you would expect acceptance!

Im not 100% sure what i am. I know i am definitely attracted to women. I am probably bi i would think.  I always have been very attracted to womens bodies and wanted to hv a physical relationship with a woman, but i hv only ever seen two women who i have fancied. That just doesnt make sense does it? I am becoming more and more disillusioned with men and find myself more and more wishing i was with a woman. I dont know any lesbians. I really wish i did, for no other reason than to just talk with them! Gay men are ten a penny! Where are all the gay women?!!!
Title: Re: First step in coming out
Post by: VegTiz on Mar 05, 2017, 11:55:44 AM
Hi thanks for your reply. Sounds a cool clairvoyant!
Yes looking back it was very strange the advice I got from the counsellor. I think it must have been related to how I look and preconceived ideas and stereotypes about what a lesbian looks like.
If I had been more sure of my sexuality back then I wouldn't have paid any notice and probably put a complaint in but you live and learn.
I think sexuality is quite fluid. I'm very much attracted to the K D Lang look. I've always had a thing about breasts for as long back as I can remember.
I've wondered about bisexuality too. I suppose the only way of really knowing is to have a sexual experience/relationship with a woman. This is tricky for me as I'm still in a relationship with a man and for all my deception about not sharing my thoughts about my sexuality I'm not into cheating.
I agree meeting other lesbians would be great just to talk stuff through. Hopefully we will both meet some people via Gingerbeer. Keep me posted how you get on. Bw
Title: Re: First step in coming out
Post by: Bewilderbeast on Mar 05, 2017, 01:32:34 PM
Try not to worry about labels, it will take a while to know.  I had relationships with men before I came out and that confused me a lot, but many many of us do!

To know you are straight, you just have to think "what do I like?" and the answer pops up. Bit like asking if you like marmite or not.

To know you are gay woman, before you can even ask that question you have to have to clear away a whole lot of learned stuff, from "gay is not normal" to "women shouldn't be interested in sex" and all manner of rubbish in between.

I assumed I was straight (mainly because one of learned things I had wrong was that I couldn't have kids if I was gay) but also because I didn't hate men and the relationships weren't totally awful.

But, what those relationships didn't have was that oomph, that desire, that connection, that thing that I can't name that just makes me know it's right for me as simply as I know I love marmite. It took me a long time to clear away the crap that was stopping me asking and responding to the question "what do I like" honestly but as I did bit by bit (and I had my first kiss with a woman etc etc) that feeling about the oomph got stronger and stronger.

Good luck ladies!

Title: Re: First step in coming out
Post by: purelybyaccident on Mar 05, 2017, 04:45:16 PM
Hello VegTiz, and welcome.

Good advice from Bewilderbeast.
Title: Re: First step in coming out
Post by: jabez on Mar 09, 2017, 07:00:16 PM
this is my first time on a forum and just trying to work out  how it all works :)
 I found these posts really interesting as I'm 47 and also grew up in the church, had somewhat unhelpful counselling advice which resulted with very mixed feelings and feel like I am only just now accepting myself and regretting all the wasted years. I don't know any gay women or where to meet them but here seems like a good start to be less lonely and build some friendships with similar minded people.